To suspect she’s torpedo’d our friendship?

[MagnaDoodle]

I have an odd relationship with my sister in law. All is civil but she’s a very competitive and jealous person. She does not like to see me (or our other sister in law) and families do well at anything. She also copies me in everything I do. I do something nice with my kids, she does the same thing the next day. I do something to the house she does the same. You get the idea. It’s annoying but I don’t let it get to me and generally we rub along fine. I only really see her at my in laws anyway.

So she has a friend, let’s call her K, who’s she’s known for a few years. I had met K once or twice through my sister in law. Always found her nice, easy to get on with. We have a lot in common but again didn’t see much of her.

Then K started working with me and we developed a pretty good friendship. Had lunch together, we chatted on WhatsApp a lot. We never really discussed SIL. I was quite careful about what I said. It got back to me that SIL really didn’t like my friendship with K but I just ignored it.

Anyway I noticed one day on Facebook that K and SIL had gone out after work (SIL has put loads of selfies etc up on Facebook coz she’s 12 apparently). She doesn’t usually bother with Facebook so I presume this was to make sure I knew they were out together, although obviously I could be wrong. Anyway I didn’t think much of it.

But since then I’ve noticed that K has cooled towards me a lot. She’s not been nasty or ignored me or anything. Just stopped making any effort. I haven’t even SIL.

I suspect SIL has somehow torpedo’d my friendship with K. The timing is too much of a coincidence. I don’t want to ask K about it because I don’t want to seem like I’m too bothered, if that makes sense? But I don’t have much self confidence and I’d never tel anyone this in real life but I feel quite hurt by the whole thing.

Just wondering if anyone had experienced this sort of thing.

Hmmm, is there anything sil could have said & blown out of proportion? Any skeletons that she would have been happy to let slip?

I'd broach it with K in a casual way. 'So you & sil went to Z-was it nice? I bet she told you all about that time I took loads of coke & slept with a porn star, didn't she?' You should be able to gauge what her response is.

Stay normal but if she's pulling back then let her. It will probably pan out ok in the end. Try not to dwell on it

Keeping quiet is surely letting sil win?

I’m a boring person. I have not many skeletons. SIL is not someone I confide in anyway.

Yes it feels that way April but I’m not one to chase anyone. Knowing what k is like I’m not sure she would say anyway. I think she would just deny there was an issue.

Her loss.

She’s probably been ‘influenced’ by the sounds of it, but I wouldn’t let that put me off. Keep at the friendship for now and definitely don’t badmouth the sil. Hopefully the friend will see you’re a good person and start making the effort again.

I think if you were both genuinely friends it’s OK to be bothered and ok to express that you miss that friendship. Saying something like “I notice you’re a bit quieter than normal, I hope everything is OK. I value your friendship” would be fine.

Carry on as normal. You can do interesting stuff and put it up on FB - tbh I'd find it quite fun waiting to see if Sil carries on copying. Have you been to the cinema? Are you planning a holiday? Bought some new boots? K might even be intrigued...

If I is so easily influenced hen the friendship isn’t worth it. Your sil sounds like a very difficult person, and you have handled her perfectly, friendly but distant.

Remember I is her friend - there must be a character flaw there!!

Who know what sil said, and who cares, leave them to it. It was probably best not to have a friend in common anyway. More opportunity for sil to create drama.

It sounds like you just don’t really like your SIL at all. Who cares if she does the same activities as you? Maybe she just thinks it looks fun? It’s also a bit self obsessed to go through her FB and assume her selfies are somehow all about you. Maybe K, who is your SILS mate first and foremost picked up on your negative feelings towards her and decided to distance herself from you as loyalty to her friend.

😂😂

That's a really odd interpretation Cheddars

Not really. Just your common garden AIBU bridge dweller. That one was a fail though. Far too obvious.

Anyway thank you for the responses so far. Some things to think about

Hi OP,

Leave it be. Your SIL doesn't sound like someone you want having more interactions with you. Leave her to her friend and cut this off. Your life will be calmer and happier for it.,

Less hassle. Happier you.

You could paint your house with rainbow coloured stripes, wait till
Your sil copies, then paint “ ha, fooled you”.
The excitement of it would make you forget the torpedoing.

I don’t agree with you so I’m a troll? And thanks for all posters that agree that your opinion is correct, I assume?

Obviously don't know your situation, just to say that this has definitely happened a lot in my family, instigated by a narcissistic aunt. I've had a situation where I was having a good conversation with someone, left the room for a few minutes and found them hardly being able to look me in the eye - aunt there the age time. Not sure what my point is, just wanting to let you know this stuff happens and isn't all in your head x

I’d make a snide but heavily disguised remark to K to let her know you’re disappointed she fell so easily for your SILs manipulative BS. Something completely off key about you always knowing you’d have to keep her at arms length and not let her know about your ingenious builder who gets you huge trade discounts because SIL is a bit of a stalker and K is not the first who fell for it. Poor love.

I had this with school mums. Talked to and went out with one mum and our children, after speaking to one mum, noticed another mum go and talk to her earnestly for a while, and I don’t know, I just thought, she’s not going to be friendly any more, and I was right. I’ve no idea what they’ve imagined between themselves. ( the second mum is good frineds with yet another mum who dropped me, for who knows what reason as I thought she was a character but nice friend )

I am a SAHM, ( I worked full time for years) nice house, husband works, kids do well at school, and I don’t spread gossip about people.

Try to ignore it and get on with your life. Your sister in law likes a drama, I never could understand why bitchy women bother, and I never will.
I cannot understand why they would like to make someone else feel upset or miserable. It’s beyond my comprehension really.

Carry on at work as normal, and see how your friend pans out, but I would ask if anything is bothering her, as you enjoyed lunches, chatting etc.

Put things on fb and then when she does it say... 'ooh we didn't go in the end, better plan came up'.

Sorry, I agree with cheddar The words you have used to describe your SIL are jealous, competitive, doesn't want to me do well and copying. And that is the first paragraph.

Then you accuse her putting her night out with the mutual friend, (the friend SHE introduced you to) on Facebook just to spite you. Come on.

You did handle the situation well by not discussing SIL with 'K' but maybe 'K' awkward. Perhaps 'K' has other things going on in her life and her aloofness is nothing to do with you and your SIL. Why not ask her, mention that she seems quieter than usual ask if everything is OK. Perhaps invite her out for and a drink to have a catch up.

So what? I don’t like her. I don’t have to like her. I have to get along with her which I do. She doesn’t like me either. It happens 🤷🏻‍♀️

You don’t sound “low on confidence”. The bitchy laughing faces in reply to my message, then the troll accusations and the “so what”. You started this thread to bitch about your SIL. I’m guessing you persued a friendship with K purely to piss of your SIL.

Cheddarsmedders I really don’t understand how you’ve read a very simple OP and blown it out of all proportion. Anyone would find it odd that a friend cooled on you, after a night out with someone you have good reason to think would say unsavoury things about you. Yes, the op might be overthinking it based on her ill feelings, however your replies have been oddly aggressive and you’re adding your own narrative rather than answering the information given.

Op, you have two choices. Either leave it be or subtly try and sound it out. If you do the latter though, don’t mention your SiL. On the off chance it is her stirring, your friend might just get fed up of the he said/she said and drop the both of you.

There was absolutely nothing aggressive about my first post. I simply pointed out that the OPs obvious dislike of her SIL had maybe caused K to distance. OP then replied with a bitchy emoticon and accused me of being a troll. This response shows that the OP is the one blowing things out of proportion.

Shitty thing to happen, but like a PP has said if she’s so easily swayed by SIL she’s not worth having as a friend anyway.