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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my 5 year old hates me?

13 replies

Pinkoyster795 · 06/09/2018 19:58

So basically since summer has started I have been really struggling with ds who is 5. The crux of it is: He. Just. Won’t. Listen.

I know this is normal-ish behaviour for a child of his age but it is driving me bananas-whatever I ask him to do he will do the complete opposite. He gets into a lot of trouble at school (mostly for talking), and whenever his teacher sends a note home saying he hasn’t been listening, it is so incredibly upsetting. He’s a bright, articulate, imaginative 5 year old but I’m at my wit’s end.

The other thing he does a lot is make things up, and if I ask him why he wasn’t listening he will always blame another child and say it was their fault for ‘distracting’ him. He gets exasperated when I tell him off about his behaviour and says ‘I knew I wouldn’t behave today’, almost giving up and like he expects nothing more of himself. I get very upset with him, and usual actions are: taking away a favourite toy for a week 2) Cancelling playmates. Today, only the second day of school and already he’s been in trouble for ‘over-boisterous’ playing with 2 other boys. I’m afraid I cried when I read the note as struggling massively with his behaviour.

I’m tired of nagging him (clearly doesn’t work). Any ideas? I’ve ordered the book ‘how to talk so children will listen..’. Till it arrives, anything I can do???

Tia xx

OP posts:

QuickNC123 · 06/09/2018 20:05

Over boisterous? How is boisterous even measured? How did it manage to escalate to over?

Isn’t it the teachers job to command their attention in school?

Two sides to every story...

stargirl1701 · 06/09/2018 20:05

Love bombing. Is he an only? If so, it'll be easy. Harder if you have to juggle DC.

How much 1-to-1 does he get with you every day? And how much 1-to-1 time with his Dad?

Original poster

Pinkoyster795 · 06/09/2018 20:12

he’s got an older sibling, who is the polar opposite and listens like a charm. I just find I am always shouting about listening, and then I start to nag 😓.

I’m a sahm so with him all the time. Dh gets home at 6, so we spend a few hours together before bed 8pm.

OP posts:

KurriKurri · 06/09/2018 20:30

I'd say firstly that it is hard for 5 yr olds to curb their boisterousness - it doesn;t sound as if his play is malicious, just ill judged.

Could he do with more physical exercise, he sounds like a child with lots of energy who needs to run it off somehow - sitting concentrating at school all day is quite a big ask for an energetic young child.

It sounds as if he has trouble concentrating, and is easily distracted - this might be indicative of some underlying problem with his learning. or it might be that the learning environment of the classroom is hard for him - is there a lot going on, some children find it very hard to focus, It may well be that other kids are distracting him - some children are good at distracting others without being distracted themselves.

I'd say work on his listening skills, Play lots of games with him that require listening - my grandmother went to market is one that;s quite good, you can also get kind of bingo games where you play a CD and the child has to identify of the sound they hear corresponds with the picture on their bingo board. Try listening to audiobooks with him. When you want him to do something, make sure he's looking at you and paying attention, and get him to repeat back what you have said so you know he has taken it in.
Oraise him for 'good listening ears' whne he's clearly trying hard.
It is sad that he thinks he is ging to fail in his behaviour and has given up. i think talking to the teacher and working out a way where he can be motivated to succeed is the way forward. He may have to try m much harder than others for a small achievement in listening and concentration, these are hard skills for some children - that achievement should be encouraged and congratulated, rather than always dwelling on the times he has failed.

He's only five - he's a very little boy. lots of what you describe is very normal for his age. Of course he doesn;t hate you - you are his Mummy, what children want more than anything is to please their parents, they thrive on praise, set him up to succeed,,
It's not personal, he's struggling with listening and concentration - if he was struggling with motor skills, or something else you wouldn't be thinking he hated you. he's struggling in all his environments - that shows he is having a problem with certain skills, he isn't just 'being naughty' at home and not listening to you. It's a wider reaching problem he needs support with.

KurriKurri · 06/09/2018 20:32

Google games and books to help children with concentration and listening - you'll get lots of ideas.

This is the type of game I was trying to describe

here

Original poster

Pinkoyster795 · 06/09/2018 20:36

kurrikurri What amazing ideas, thank you so much. And thanks also for the reassurance, bought a little tear to my eye xx

OP posts:

cactusplant · 06/09/2018 20:39

Hahahahahaha
No he's normal
And a boy
Give yourself a break he will be ok

KurriKurri · 06/09/2018 20:39

It's hard when you are in the middle of it all and despairing he really sounds like a super little guy

KurriKurri · 06/09/2018 20:41

Oh and the obvious one I forgot to mention - just in case - has he had his hearing tested ?

Original poster

Pinkoyster795 · 06/09/2018 20:43

Hearing and eyes all checked (teacher suggested it last year). Sorry to drip feed but he has hypermobility, no real issues with school work but he’s very fidgety even when sitting (wobbles a bit-teacher kept saying he was like a rubber chicken during carpet time)..

OP posts:

KurriKurri · 06/09/2018 20:52

Is he comfortable where he has to sit at school (sometimes they have to sit on a mat or similar at times) if he's at all uncomfortable he'll find it hard to concentrate, can he hold pencils and crayons OK or does it make his fingers sore?
You could maybe try asking him how he'd like to sit during carpet time - maybe he'd like to be on a chair, or have a cushion or bean bag or something?
I can tell you for reassurance that he will certainly not be the only child in the class fidgeting about at carpet time - you have to keep them well engaged in the story or discussion or they'll very quickly get ants in the pants ! ( I used to get my fidgeters to sit up the front and give them an 'important' job like page turner or something - just little thing to try and keep them focused, some children are not naturals at sitting still - but they blossom in other areas)

Original poster

Pinkoyster795 · 06/09/2018 20:59

kurrikurriYou sound like an amazing teacher!

Unfortunately the teacher he had last year was very strict on discipline, and was adamant that he was ‘playing up’ rather than any movement issues. I’m afraid I’m very placid and took her admonishments at face value!

He can grip a pen fine. Writes very well. His only issues are running (slightly knock-kneed), and can’t go down stairs properly (goes down one at a time)

OP posts:

KurriKurri · 06/09/2018 21:08

Thank you - long since retired, so drawing on what is left of my memory !
He'll do fine - in lots of countries he wouldn;t even be at school yet - we start them very young here and they have to learn a lot of skills - at five they are very much a work in progress, but there is nothing in what you have said that makes me think your boy is unkind or malicious to others or deliberately naughty - so he's doing pretty well.

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