To expect STBXH to buy stuff over and above CMS?

[ScoobyCan]

Just that. Kids (2 under 10) need new trainers for school. STBXH has got them this weekend. I've texted to ask him (he lives in town) to take them shoe shopping.

He has told me in no uncertain terms that it is up to me to take them on MY weekend, that he pays for them (via CMS - which he didn't pay over the summer hols....) and that I've been neglectful in my parenting by failing to provide suitable footwear.

The school trainers have sat with their (clean) PE kit all summer - obviously a mistake on my part not to check but they've grown out of them. First week back and I've been asked by school to replace (I was mortified - I should have checked).

AIBU to expect that something like shoe shopping just falls under the guise of "normal parent type stuff" and we shouldn't have to go to Mediation to sort this shit out? Bear in mind the Mediator had to tell him to provide basic toiletries for when they stay EOW rather than rely on me to provide everything....

Why didn't he pay cms over summer holidays, is he in arrears? Of course it's not unreasonable to ask he buy them shoes, unfortunately he is not legally obliged to. Tbh if he needs to be told that he has to supply basic toiletries you are probably not going to get very far asking for trainers. It's unfair and rather shitty.

Under the circumstances (separated parents) I think there should be a rule that determines whose responsibility it is.

What rule are you trying to enforce? That whoever happens to have the children when a need arises should pay to address that need, regardless of the cost?

That seems like a poor rule, rewards a parent for being unobservant.

On the big ticket items (and I include trainers) it’s fair to spilt the cost. Would he consider that?

Mine doesn't. He pays just very slightly over the CMS dictated amount. Consequently, I pay for most things they need, including uniform, clothes, school books, etc.

You’ve got no chance with an idiot like that. Mine doesn’t either. He’s even had his petrol taken off his Cms! They are selfish pricks

Mine pays CMS and pays for their phone contracts. Other than that, it’s all on me.

I did ask him once, during school uniform season, if he could take them shopping for PE trainers as if had to buy all 3 pairs of school shoes, new uniforms, School branded PE kits etc. He said sure, he’d take them and I could pay him back the money! I pointed out that I was perfectly capable of spending half an hour in Sports Direct, it was the money i needed help with. Bear in mind he’s on £55k a year and I’m on minimum wage and tax credits.

Sadly some blokes do seem to think that if they’re paying the bare minimum ordered by the CMS then you should just be grateful and suck it up. Arseholes.

Thanks for your replies. He stopped paying a mutually agreed amount back in April as I got a part time job, so I ended up having to go via CMS. The administration time taken meant he didn't pay first instalment until Sept, so things have been somewhat tight.

Now he is obliged to pay £400 pcm so things should ease up. I just thought I would ask him to get the shoes as they are with him this weekend.

I guess I should continue to have no expectations as then I cannot be disappointed. It's just so bloody dull and could be made so much easier if he wasn't such a prick.

Why didn’t he pay for them over the summer holidays?

Legally he doesn’t have to pay any more, as long as he pays maintenance for ALL weeks as per the calculator. However morally, I’m with you, and would pay for stuff over and above if they needed it. It’s not like you’re asking him for more money, but thsings they actually need.

My ex is like this... I asked him to buy the kids new school shoes. He pays less than he should for the dc, rents a 5 bed house all on his own and continues to compete in expensive motorsports. But refused as he ‘couldn’t afford it’ ffs!

I now don’t ask him for anything and try to not let the injustice of it all piss me off too much

See I’m on the other side of it.

Me and Dh have four children living at home (blended family) he pays maintenance for the one child that lives with his mum which is based on his salary another of his children live with us. She wants more money for additional items yet we are hugely struggling with the children I have at home and money because their bloody father doesn’t pay! The CMS confirmed that one payment should cover all and no it doesn’t seem fair but they also don’t take into consideration your outgoings.

The CMS confirmed that one payment should cover all. Tell that to the poor buggers who get £5 a week! The CMS amount does not take into consideration how much it costs to actually raise a child, so no, it shouldn’t “cover all”. It is a token gesture in some cases and as you say, has no bearing on what you can actually afford at either end of the payment as it does not recognise how much the recipient earns, how much extra the other parent contributes in other ways etc and the fact that the cut offs are so far apart (52-104 nights being paid at the same rate for example) and the fact that it covers overnight stays, which technically may not even involve feeding the child or providing toiletries as the OP said) there’s no way it can be accurate or be intended to ‘cover’ anything specific.

My mortgage has been cut by half since I split from XH, so while my costs to house the DCs have gone down, his payment stays the same. Similarly if I don’t get such a good rate next time and by mortgage payment doubles, his money doesn’t go as far.

Myrelationship I get the sweet total of Fuck All a week and have custody of one of my dh’s kids. So surely in that respect she has one we have the other it should cancel each other out. But it doesn’t so he pays what he should for his dc but that payment has to cover all as it isn’t taking into consideration the huge amount of outlay we have for my children who get no support. It should be means tested case by case but it won’t be.

Essentially he is giving for one child to take from his other. That’s not fair either.