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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think public proposals are an awful thing to do?

55 replies

abacucat · 06/09/2018 16:33

Unless you 100% know that the person really does want to marry you. Otherwise it is very unfair as it makes it very difficult for the other person to say no.

OP posts:

RoomOfRequirement · 06/09/2018 17:32

Also apparently incapable of spelling. *Publicly

happymummy12345 · 06/09/2018 17:34

I would absolutely of hated it if my dh had done that. I feel that it should be a private thing between the couple, with no one else there.
My dh could not of done better, there was no public display, no fancy meal or presents, no dressing up. We had been chilling with music on, I was in my indoor clothes (tracksuit bottoms and t shirt with my comfy slipper boots on), hair up in my usual ponytail. We were chatting and listening to music. And then there was no long speech, just simply "will you marry me"? Exactly how I wanted it to be.

NineNine · 06/09/2018 17:37

I remember seeing a lengthy american video, a huge set up, where there was a massive proposal, followed by the woman being taken through a whole series of ridiculous situations, with hundreds of paid musicians/dancers etc., having a wedding dress being plonked over her head, over the clothes she was wearing, and basically being dragged through to an actual wedding, without pausing for breath. It was horrific!

redexpat · 06/09/2018 17:38

That video clip!

SneakyGremlins · 06/09/2018 17:38

You don't know what people have talked about in private beforehand so labelling every single person who does it as controlling (women too I'd hope) is a bit OTT.

toffee1000 · 06/09/2018 17:43

This sounds like a nightmare.

www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3129123/Is-best-proposal-Man-pops-question-sweetheart-making-hilarious-music-clip-starring-future-father-law-premieres-packed-cinema-good-job-says-yes.html

I also don’t think it’s (necessarily) controlling, just awful and cringey.

Original poster

abacucat · 06/09/2018 17:44

sneaky Which is why I said unless they knew their partner was going to say yes. If the couple have basically discussed getting married beforehand, and the public proposal is for fun, then fine. But if you haven't already basically agreed to marry, then yes I think it is an awful thing to do.

OP posts:

chillpizza · 06/09/2018 17:48

Mine we where sat in bed watching tv and he was like sooooo do you want to get married? Yeah ok. Then we went onto h sam and ordered the ring I wouldn’t of liked a huge public thing.

choli · 06/09/2018 17:48

Attention seeking and childish. Surely mature adults discuss marriage, ensure that their goals and values for marriage and children align, and make a mutual decision to get married (or not)!

Proposals, whether public or private, do not belong in the 21st century, where both members of a couple should be equal, rather than one waiting for the other to propose.

Creeper8 · 06/09/2018 17:49

Just me that would love this then? 😂

CheeseAndOnionIceCream · 06/09/2018 17:53

I've always been a bit about public marriage proposals. I mean,unless you're 100% certain that it's what the proposee (is there such a word?! ) then I think it's a bit unfair on them,as they would feel pressurised into saying 'yes'. I have sometimes wondered whether afterwards,when the couple are alone together,that they turn round and say 'Actually,I'm having second thoughts'.

thenightsky · 06/09/2018 17:54

I've only seen this happen once in real life. It was at a presentation evening and it was a leap year. Friend of mine had been waiting for her useless twat of a DP to propose for ages. She waited until the very end of the presentations then took the microphone and asked him 'will you marry me?'. The bastard said no and turned his back on her. We were all mortified for her. Daft thing is, if she'd asked any of us first if we thought this might be a good idea, we'd have all screamed NOOOO!

InezGraves · 06/09/2018 17:54

I saw one on tv a few years ago during a sporting event. The presenters were in on the surprise and did a big build-up for the audience. The girlfriend eventually appeared, looked horrified when her boyfriend got down on one knee and made his declaration, said a resounding “No!” and walked off. Everyone went very quiet. It was embarrassing to watch.

I think I've seen this on Youtube -- it was American, and one of the team mascots (a squirrel or chipmunk?) put his giant furry hands over his face in horror as the unfortunate woman made her exit, if it's the one I'm thinking of?

I have to say I've always assumed that the proposer suspects the answer would be 'no' if asked in private, so is essentially trying to use public embarrassment and peer pressure as a way of forcing a yes. I think it's absolutely awful.

Whisky2014 · 06/09/2018 18:04

Nah I don't agree with this. I think there is a pressure on men to do a big proposal. As soon as you get engaged EVERYONE asks how it happened expecting a bug romantic fairy tale story.
I told my fiance from the get go that if it came to us being engaged I'd not like a public proposal but I think he'd have done it publicly if i hadnt have said that.
I don't think it's controlling, just foolish.
And if the person on the receiving end feels too pressured to say no then that's concerning in itself. I'm shocked at pp's who just went along with it...

Hopoindown31 · 06/09/2018 18:26

I think it entirely depends on the couple. If the man doesn't know his partner well enough to know if she'll appreciate it he shouldn't be proposing in that way.

ReanimatedSGB · 06/09/2018 18:43

I think there are some people who would find it endearing and hugely romantic if their partner made a big deal of The Proposal. (FFS there are enough women on here who start miserable, handwringing Why Won't He Propose threads, often with clear longings for a big set piece. Though the answer is invariably that the man doesn't want to marry her...) But there are certainly some men who use proposing as a bit of a weapon - the public proposal (like that ghastly Olympics one) which is really about reminding her that her life should revolve around him and that nothing is as important as keeping (and pleasing) Her Man. And the ones who actually don't want to marry the woman they are with but have found that a proposal is basically an effective dog-treat - they can get months, if not years, of making a woman jump through hoops by hinting that the proposal is imminent, or entertain themselves by telling her that they had been about to propose but she 'ruined it' by answering back or not letting the man have his own way over something. The really awful, controlling men can up their game by making the actual proposal and then spending the next chunk of time refusing to plan the wedding...

pumpkinspicetime · 06/09/2018 18:46

I saw an old episode of friends while at a nail salon recently where Pheobe and Mike had this as the theme of the episode. They ended up with a more private event after several public disasters.

DisneyMillie · 06/09/2018 18:51

My dh proposed to me in front of the Eiffel Tower with my dd there - it was lovely and a great memory - he didn’t do it showily (not on one knee or anything) and knew I’d say yes.

Racecardriver · 06/09/2018 18:52

I think proposals in public are fine so long as they are discreet. A la couple out at favourite restaurant. Person 1 'will you marry me', person 2 'yes/no.'

Public proposals on the other hand are not OK. They are quite naff and can also be controlling. A public proposal is any proposal where others are aware of what is going on. So thinks like stopping events, loud announcements, kneeling, involving others in any other way etc.

KNain · 06/09/2018 18:59

God yes.

There was a story on our local paper's Facebook a little while ago - someone had got one of those planes with a banner saying "Xxx, will you marry me?" to fly around the town. The local paper had picked up on it were asking on social media if anyone knew the couple so they could do a story on them.

Was mega awkward when loads of friends of the couple tagged them in the comments and the man had to reply to say she'd said no, then there was a bit of a spat in the comments section between the two of them and their respective friends.

Lilyhatesjaz · 06/09/2018 19:04

My DH proposal to me in public at a formal dinner. It was a complete surprise we had only been going out 4 months. He is not controlling or an exhibitionist and it was pre social media. I think he was just over come by the occasion. I said yes at the time but would certainly not have married him if I hadn't wanted to. 20 plus years later we are still happy together.

SerenDippitty · 06/09/2018 19:29

Yes a discreet proposal in public is not the same as a staged public proposal where other people are in on it.

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 06/09/2018 19:34

DH proposed in our living room, and then we went out for a Chinese buffet to celebrate. He did say later he'd considered delaying the proposal till we got to the restaurant, but realised it probably wasn't sensible to get between me and all-you-can-eat Chinese

FlaviaAlbia · 06/09/2018 19:47

DH briefly considered proposing by putting the ring on the spot in Newgrange where the light hits, the guide had made him kneel down so the woman behind could see and the ring was in his pocket.

He knew I'd have said yes since we'd decided to get married and picked a ring together but thankfully he thought better of it I'd have been so embarrassed, there was a load of other tourists there.

OutPinked · 06/09/2018 19:50

YANBU but I’m absolutely loving the people that have said yes purely to avoid awkwardness . Massive assumption but it’s a very British thing to do.

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