So. Please don't judge.
Me and BF broke up when I was 4 1/2 mths pregnant. It was horrible. Name calling, slut shaming, social exclusion and down right evil emotional harassment soon followed. Pretending we weren't ended, trying to bust into the birthroom when he was told specifically not to go there and wait outside the ward (my entire family was told the same thing FYI).
Anyway. After DB was born he did everything to get out of signing the BC until I had to register blank or cop a fine. So, to be clear, this guy is not on BC. He started spreading talk about how I was screwing other guys and had told him I didn't know who DB's father was. Every time I tried to get him on BC to try and get CS going the harassment went through the roof bad.
When confronted he always denied it was his fault and that I should just "prove myself". So I did. Definitely DB dad. Still refusing to go on BC because in his words "you're nothing but a gold digger". Pls remember this is male has paid $0 for my son's upbringing. He wouldn't even take time off work after he was born, after swearing he would. Didn't show up for Christmas or Easter or DB 1st birthday.
Anyway. My DB is now no longer a screaming monster miniature and has become more interesting as his personality has started growing outside of "feed me, change me, burp me, cuddle me, wrap me up but don't you dare move".
BD has suddenly become increasingly interested in him. He wants to parade him around at parties and social gatherings and is like "look at DB he's such an awesome happy boy and he's mine". He wants me to travel 1600km round trip to his mother because "she has a right to see her GS regularly" (no he didn't offer to cover 1/2 the $$) He wants to spend more time with DB, because "he knows his rights".
In therory I am not against this. If it is regular, consistent and above all safe for my DB. BD wants to see him when he can fit him in around his work and social duties as he sees fit because he has a full time job, I don't and he thinks that I have plenty of time and that I'm being a control freak and trying to hurt him by denying him access.
He has not been able to see DB regularly for more than three weeks in a row. He doesn't have a house or a flat just a company sponsored caravan that is falling apart and filthy. He doesn't supply food for DB on visits, or nappies because "I don't get to see him enough" that he should have to provide. The last time BD was left with DB, me being absent, his mother was visiting and they took DB to the pool without asking first, they didn't even tell where they were going. Just wondered off and dunked him in the pool because it was a hot day and they thought he should learn to swim soon.
He doesn't think about DB first. It's always "oh yeah I've got to go and do this for a mate/boss/person I'll just see him next day or day before at this time". Or "Let's go do this with the little baby because it would be fun for me" or "hey I want to see him at 6pm cause I can fit him in" even though he knows that I'm getting DB ready for bed.
The agreement was half of the day off he has every week. That way BD has time to wake up, do chores, see DB and then relax for half a day. The problem is he doesn't stick to it. He wants an hour or two every other day and it's really irregular. I'm finishing the renovations on my house, studying for a new job, keeping house for my dad, and running DB where he's got to go when he needs to, not to mention keeping DB occupied clean and fed. Then there's the housework. And the garden that needs to be put in. So every time he throws a spanner into the schedule it throws the entire week out.
It's as annoying AF for me but I really worry what the randomness will do to my DB as he's becoming more aware of this kind of thing. I missed one babycare session (we live remote so all the bubbas have babycare with mummas to socialise them three days a week in the mornings) and he was cranky for the rest of the week. He recognises people now and if he doesn't get time with them when he expects it he gets out of sorts.
I know that DB needs to have a connection to BD because kids need to know their history and have a connection to the relations but should it be like this? Is it ok because he has a paying job and I don't? Am I letting my underlying feelings for BD get in the way of my DB needs? Is it ok for this much randomness in DB life? Am I being a judgmental control freak, a spiteful leech? Does anyone out there get what I'm asking?
AIBU to ask that BD is consistent and regular about visits? Like the same morning on the same day every week? Am I really asking too much that BD does this? I just need to know if this kind of reaction is normal because I don't know anymore. So pls, I'm going out of my mind trying to figure it out, pls pls tell me. Is this common? Am I asking too much? Does every ex act like this or is this one the outlier?