Office tea making etiquette (kind of lighthearted kind of not)

[doglov3r]

I work in the office/reception of a family run business. 9 other girls in the office, I'm the only full time one the rest are all part time or shift work. Quite a small space so all within the same office and a shared kitchen area. One of the girls is the DIL of the business owners (they don't actually like her but tolerate her as there are children involved but that's another story)

Always had a bit of a strained relationship with her as she has made it clear she doesn't really like me. She talks to me like crap and passes everything onto me so I end up doing most of her work while she takes the credit, and she also makes sure I get the blame if anything is ever wrong.

Now to my aibu. She frequently demands that I make her a hot drink, even when I'm busy/with a customer/not making one myself. I have begun sticking up for myself and refusing to give in to her demands. In retaliation she has started making herself and every other person in the office a drink and leaving me out. She will ask all of them whether they want a drink and what they want and will exclude me every time and leave me to make my own. She brings them all down on a tray and announces to everyone that their drinks are ready.

Aside from the obvious bullying in the work place (which is being monitored and dealt with) aibu to think that you just don't do this and that if you've nominated yourself as the tea maker then you should do it for everyone and not leave some people out and do others!?

First of all, YABU for calling the women that you work with 'girls'. It's so patronising.

Second of all, of course YANBU about the tea, but you knew that, right?

@2cats how is that patronising? I am the oldest and I am only 23 so yes, we are girls.

Are you all the same 'grade' with 1 overall boss, or is it more structured? Can you talk to anyone in the office about it?

I am the oldest and I am only 23 so yes, we are girls.

You are a woman, are all the men referred to as boys?

I work in a similar office make up. 9 other people, girls women whatever 🙄.

We would not behave like this. She is isolating you. If I were witness to this kind of behaviour as one of your colleagues I'd have to speak up.

Classic MN responses here girl
This would do my head in, she is being completely U. It would be different if you had been making one for everyone and left her out.
Tea rounds are a pain though, everyone should just make their own as and when IMO.

@Ifailed

I am the oldest and I am only 23 so yes, we are girls.

You are a woman, are all the men referred to as boys?

I play football on a Monday night with the boys. Most of us are over 40. It's not patronising.

@ifailed I can choose to refer to myself however I want to, and so do the others who also call themselves girls. And yes, the 'boys' also refer to themselves as boys/lads/whatever they wish

I'm 46 and still refer to myself as a girl!

Yes she's being unreasonable and definitely acting like a schoolgirl, not a grown woman.

I see why the family don’t like her. Just ignore and get on with your job, when you fancy a cup of tea, ask if anyone else would like one too, then go and make tea for yourself and anyone else that wants one (bitchy DIL included for the sake of keeping the peace). If she asks you to make her one, reply with ‘no thank you, I don’t fancy tea right now’ and a smile. Stop doing her work too, tell her you’re too busy and that she should take it up with whoever is in charge if she’s struggling. And personally I’d look for another job, somewhere where a rude incompetent employee is kept on just because she has procreated with the owner’s son is not somewhere I would want to work.

Stop doing her work for her! You really need to knock that on the head, OP. She's completely taking advantage of you there.

What a lovely merailing of the thread only one response in.

Your co-worker is a twat but look at it this way, she sounds like a lazy person and by being petty she's making Way more work for herself. I'd laugh at how sad she is.

Op your colleague is a twat but I've no advise on that just wanted to say that The term 'girls' is just a normal colloquialism isn't it? As is the term 'boys'
Hardly patronising. I'm in my 50's though and I'm not the sort of person that gets wound up about these minor ridiculous things 😏

I once worked in a workplace where a colleague had a history of picking an employee he didn't like, making their work life hell and bullying them out of the company. When he set his sights on me, one of the first moves was to exclude me from tea rounds. When it eventually came to a head, the company offered me a settlement to leave rather than get rid of the toxic, incompetent bully/general manager's drinking buddy. I could have pursued constructive dismissal, workplace harassment, gender and age discrimination but I didn't have good records of the history between us. If I were you I'd keep a log of any encounters with her - disagreements, when she gets you to do her work (and the credit/blame business) etc - in case she ever decides she wants you gone and starts trying to tarnish your reputation in the company.

Do grown ups actually behave like this?

Completely ignore her.

Yadnbu (and frankly I say call yourself what the hell you like!)

in my industry it's a massive no no to tell someone else to make you tea and coffee even if your a senior manager , or even a CEO (generally people will offer if the person is busy but to ask someone massively not ok) it's seens as patronising and arrogant

I agree with pp, don't do work she has passed and call her out (politely and professionally obviously) when she takes credit

I find nice and smiley but with a steel spine gets you everywhere..never be rude and don't lose your temper but be as intransible in your boundaries as possible

Note everything...nasty nuggets like this can get traction unless you have evidence backing you up

I do love it when people pick on one tiny thing in a thread and ignore the actual point.

I’d very publicly say ‘Did you forget to make one for me?’ next time. If she bitches about you not doing it when she’s asked just say ‘Well of course I’ll make you a drink if I’m doing on for everyone, but surely you don’t expect me to stop what I’m doing every time you fancy a cuppa’.

Ffs, piss off with telling people what to call themselves. I'm shortly going on a girls weekend away-we're all around 40.
OP just ignore her & make sure to include her on your tea round.

See, if you don't wish to be called a 'girl' 2cats then you have a perfect right to tell that to anyone who dubs you 'girl'; other adults get to decide for themselves and we really don't need you or anyone else to jump in on our behalf for your perceived micro-aggression.

Thank goodness where I work we just get up and get our own drinks as and when we want them. OP, on the face of it YANBU and I would certainly resist being expected to drop everything instantly (including customers - really?) to make drinks. That is, off course, assuming you do take a regular turn at making drinks for everyone (including the bossy coworker) and aren't the one that never does it or finds excuses to get out of it.

I didn't start referring to myself as a woman until I was 32 and a mother.

How is the bullying being monitored? Is this part of it? Will you get a fair hearing if she is family?

I wonder if people use the eye roll emoji imagining it makes their point more valid?

Anyway calling grown women girls, especially in a professional context, is demeaning and undermines them and their authority. It's just sexist claptrap and is a world away from a 'girls night out' or a 'girls weekend', which are scenarios in which its expected and encouraged that the women will let their hair down and behave differently.

Call yourself whatever you want of course.