Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

For feeling resentful towards my unsupportive parents?

15 replies

tatooedmumofone · 06/09/2018 10:27

We are having some pretty serious renovations to our downstairs and haven't had a kitchen for six weeks now. Myself, my four month old baby and dog have been lucky enough to stay with friends and my husband's family for a lot of this time, but now we're back home living out our bedroom (which is perfectly fine). Throughout this (stressful) time my own mum and dad haven't asked how we're coping and haven't invited us over for a cup of tea, for lunch/dinner or even just to do our washing whilst we get ourselves straight. I don't ask much of them but if it was the other way round I would have made these small gestures as they mean a lot (myself and my husband have put them up in between their own moves). Am I right to feel a bit resentful towards them?

They were very unsupportive and unhelpful throughout my pregnancy too, so this isn't one-off behaviour.

OP posts:

livefornaps · 06/09/2018 10:37

Ah well - maybe they are more concerned for a potential sibling of yours who is visibly struggling? I dunno. Sometimes support does not extend to those who seem like they are coping OK. If you are able to get work done to your house you were obviously able to stash some cash. In the end ... Your parents are just fellow adults , not endlessly benevolent beings. You are clearly in a stable relationship, with a kid, and you're getting on fine on your own. In their way, I am sure they are happy for you (or at least not losing sleep at night out of sheer worry for you). If you were floundering, maybe it would be different.

Give them a break They must have been at least okay-ish parents if you turned out alright. So they are a bit shortsighted. It's not the end of the world. Everyone gets to a point where they just can't be arsed putting everyone before themselves at some point. Just leave them in peace. They're probably just tucking into a waitrose meal-for-two, necking a bottle of wine and watching "bodyguard" on the box.

livefornaps · 06/09/2018 10:40

Plus - no one finds our leaves anywhere remotely as interesting as we do - even when we're pregnant. I am baffled as to what possible extra "support" you had in mind. Fanning you and peeling you grapes? Just get on with it.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 06/09/2018 10:44

No YANBU for feeling unsupported. But sometimes families are just shit at being nice to each other.

Mine wouldn't be able to hold out any offer of help either. But as I am now in my 50s I am used to it and don't expect (or offer) anything any more!

Fishface77 · 06/09/2018 10:45

Wow! Livefornaps must be one of your parents!
They don’t sound very nice op.
Treat others as they treat you op. It’s something I’ve started doing in my life and it’s made me happier.

reallystressed · 06/09/2018 10:45

tatooed yep I hear you op pil are the same. And my friends parents are similar - it’s selfish in the respect they gladly except help when needed but do not reciprocate.

Sometimes it’s just down to being thoughtful or even giving a fuck

I have an 23 year dd and myself and dh are still there for her, helping if she needs. Which I know we will always do.

Yeah it’s shit

CorneliusCrackers · 06/09/2018 10:46

It’s shit OP - the mumsnet opinion generally seems to be ‘how dare you have an expectation of another adult’ even though showing interest and offering support is a basic part of being a parent, even when your children are adults.

You can’t make them care, but perhaps stop doing so much for them?

itinkthereforeima · 06/09/2018 10:46

Sounds like a one-sided relationship between you and your parents. If they're that apathetic, then you might need to stop making such big efforts for them and treat them the same way as they treat you. Have they always been this way, and have you always been the one to try to please them?

Nikephorus · 06/09/2018 10:47

No YANBU for feeling unsupported. But sometimes families are just shit at being nice to each other.
This ^^. It would have nice of them to care but maybe they have their reasons or maybe it just doesn't occur to them. Sucks though. You'd think your own parents could give a toss.
Maybe they think if they make any sort of offer / show concern you'll ask to stay with them?

tattooedmumofone · 06/09/2018 10:48

I was starting to wonder whether Livefornaps is my mother in disguise

livefornaps · 06/09/2018 10:49

Hey! I don't mean to be horrible. Just trying to offer perspective. If you are kind enough to put up your parents between moves,: for example, well that is lovely. You are also young enough to have the energy to get the house ready, prepare extra meals, etc. Your parents are probably knocking on a bit and maybe the days of extending that type of hospitality are over - simply because they can't be arsed anymore if it is not an emergency.

I dunno, maybe they were always tightwads though.

tattooedmumofone · 06/09/2018 10:58

My parents have been through some hardships in the last five years and i’ve been there to support them emotionally. When they ended up temporarily homeless and we took them in for close to a year and asked them for nothing. They’re my parents and I wanted to do that for them. I guess I thought they’d help us whilst our lives are topsy turvy (albeit we are choosing to renovate and are extremely lucky to be in a position to do so).

The relationship has always been okay but a the last three years they have been pretty selfish and nasty towards me. I consider myself a fair person and all I want is a little respect and love - gestures cost nothing. Thank you for the messages… making me feel more sane!

seventhgonickname · 06/09/2018 12:39

If I were you I wouldn't expect my parents to suddenly treat me like a helpless chd.I would ask to use the Washing
machine and know I would be welcome.I might also ask if I could stay for a few weeks and again know I would be welcome.I wouldn't wail about them not offering help when I haven't asked.
As for enquiring after your pregnancy,no news is good news and with the best will in the world other people's pregnancy are no that interesting.

Bluelady · 06/09/2018 12:42

I get it, OP. If I were you I'd feel exactly the same. You're not asking much.

Winchester89 · 06/09/2018 12:43

I think it depends on your family dynamic and that you can't just 'expect' things from people based on what you would do as everyone is different.
To be honest if I was in your position, I have the kind of relationship with my parents where I would just ask to use the washing machine and invite myself round for tea (which I do now without lack of kitchen haha)

Poodles1980 · 06/09/2018 12:43

Did you ask them for a hand? I would ask my mum and dad for help if I needed it, other than that they would assume we are grand and getting on with it. My mum will drop everything if I ask her for something but is independent enough not to want me hanging round her gaff

Flip