AIBU/WWYD about my angry next door neighbour?

[Onaplain]

I'm including a diagram because I know what you people want. And there is backstory, but I'll try to keep it brief.

Moved in 2 years or so ago.
NDN was always reclusive and quiet and never spoke if we passed each other in the alleyway that our two front doors open onto.
When we moved in, it was me, my then DP and my DD(now 12).
ExP and I split up last year. My house, so DD and I are still there.

Since ExP left there have been various incidents where I've been outside in my garden and heard NDN swearing at me from behind the fairly high fence that separates our gardens. Things like 'you stupid fat cunt', 'why don't you just fuck off?', and other variations on that theme.
Once I took a phone call sitting on the steps outside my front door, talking quietly. There's not a lot of privacy in my house due to layout and I needed to have the conversation but didn't want it heard by a little pitcher. While I was on the phone NDN came and stood at his front door, opposite mine, and stared at me through the frosted glass and let off another volley of full on swearing. To be fair, I took his point at the time, if not his approach, it was the evening, though not late and maybe it was annoying to hear my chattering, though I wasn't loud, if anything I was quiet, bearing in mind that I was trying to avoid being overheard. But it seemed OTT.

Since then, I've tried to avoid him as much as possible, but I catch him occasionally glaring into my kitchen window, the only part of the house he can see into. I've seen him curtain twitch when we come and go during the day sometimes too.

I also once heard him swear about 'that cunt setting off his outside light', which we do if we come home in the dark, as it's outside his front door, it's a narrow alley and there's no way we can avoid the motion sensor.

But last evening there was a bit of an escalation. I went to put rubbish in one of my bins. As it was empty and they were bottles, it did make a small noise. His back door was open and I heard him yell 'Fuck off'. Admittedly I exclaimed 'What?', but more like a startled reaction than anything else. He stuck his head round the door and glared at me, looked like he was about to say something, but I carried on putting my bin out and by the time I turned round he'd gone in. I went in, went to my kitchen, at which point he appeared in his back doorway and glared and glared at me with the angriest look I've ever seen. I turned my back on him and carried on cooking. When I looked again he'd gone.

He is elderly, and tiny, and I'm not at all physically intimidated by him. But it is unpleasant, and I genuinely am not sure what I have done to deserve this level of vitriol. It is unpleasant to live next door to. He has never said anything to my DD, it seems to be me who has given him the rage. I am almost certain, from other behaviours there is something mental health related there. I know, I know a lot of you are going to tell me to log it with the police, and I am preemptively taking that advice on board, and mulling it over, but I don't know, he's not a physical threat, and I'd rather calmly deescalate it if I can.

Sorry this won’t h op but I think all you can do is ignore him. He sounds like someone with problems - perhaps the start of dementia.

Does any family visit you could speak to?

Does he swear at your daughter? If so maybe a phone call to the neighbourhood police to log a concern about his b gaviour and welfare.

Maybe you ought to respond? If he didn't do it when you had a man living with you, he would have been worried that there would be a comeback, but now you're alone he thinks you can't defend your self. If you've got a 12 yo DD living with you, she could be really scared.

He may well have mental health issues or he could just be nasty, does he ever have visitors, family that you could speak to. I wouldn't make any phone calls on the steps, can you go upstairs or into the back garden instead. Is the motion sensor his, if so maybe he could have it moved further along if it bothers him, the idea of it is to light up, does he not know this! With him glaring at you and swearing, that is intimidation and you shouldnt have to put up with it, can you record it on your phone, you should log it with the local police because people are unpredictable. Is there someone you could take with you to speak to him face to face, ask him why he swears at you, stares at you and generally behaves like this, tell him it has to stop otherwise you will have to make a formal complaint. Do you both own the properties privately? For the time being I'd put up nets or blinds at the kitchen window so he can't see in, I know its a PITA but you don't want him peeping at you. Just because he is old it doesn't mean its ok.

Net or blinds at your kitchen window for a start. I'd hate anyone being able to see in & it's prob fuelling his obsession the more he sees you - as his handy & v obvious scapegoat . He wants a reaction. Don't give one or it will escalate. I have same. I just do bins etc when she's out. It's not difficult to avoid a neighbour really. Get a fake cctv, might make him think/tone it down. (Amazon £5: you can hang the round ones on a nail, no DIY & batteries Inc).

I also thought dementia, especially if he was previously very quiet. Or perhaps he’s always been a jerk but he kept quiet when who had a man living with you...

Does he ever have family to visit? Could you approach them and explain what he’s doing and say you’re worried it could be the onset of dementia? Otherwise, I would log it with the police (non emergency obviously) and get their advice.

When you say elderly op,how old do you mean?is it possible he has mental health problems?
Do you know if he has any family or a local authority support network?
Is he,his home kept clean and tidy?does he get his own shopping?
I'm just trying to put a picture together of this man really so be able to try to help.
It could be he is just a grumpy,angry neighbour,best ignored,or someone who has some issues which could maybe be addressed and that in turn might help the situation.
Horrible for you though.

Just ignore him, you're not doing anything wrong by walking to your own front door and setting his light off or putting rubbish in the bin. He's only harming himself, getting his blood pressure raised over nothing.

Sounds like he's testing how far he can go. I guess you didn't respond because you were surprised and or shocked, but it's time to take action before he escalates.
I would start confronting him each time, if you feel up to it.
Perhaps be prepared to calmly state you do not like his language, and if he has a problem to discuss like a grown up.
I'd be prepared to report to the appropriate authorities for anti social/ intimidation. Keep a diary of events. Can you put a security camera up?
How does your daughter feel?
Good luck.

Maybe he thinks you can’t hear him. He sounds like there are issues. Older people do often find noise more annoying and some become people become grumpy as they age. I would shout fuck off right back at him and tell him I would report him.

I would also put up blinds or nets at your window. If he stares through the window, instantly close the blinds so he can't see you.
It sounds to me as if he knows what he is doing hence why he didn't act this way when a man was living there.
I would try and avoid him, speak to any visitors he has and try and carry on.

So sorry for you, op. Women should not have to cope with abuse from anyone, no matter how old or ill. I tend to be very non confrontational but it sounds like this is impacting your ability to enjoy your home.
Perhaps you must start letting him know you will not be verbally assaulted when you are outside. Of course, if you think your safety or your child’s safety is at risk then stronger measures are called for.

It doesn't matter if he's elderly or has MH problems, you have the right to live in your home free of harassment or intimidation. Funny how he refrained from harassing you when your ex was there.

I would have a relative come over and confront him calmly together. Tell him that if the swearing and staring does not stop you will have no choice but to contact the police or social care.

If you ignore it you risk him becoming further emboldened and upping the harrassment.

Please log it. We had problems and I contacted the council so a record was made and just added to as difficulties arose. Clearly said I didn't want any action taken at that time but wanted a record in case of escalation. The council were very helpful.

I would put some of that opaque glass cover ver your kitchen window so you still get light in but he can't see in.

He sounds very angry. Often as people get older, if they live alone and have no family, they can become very set in their ways, inflexible and intolerant and their world can become very narrow.Any disruption to it can become really hard for them to deal with. It's because they don't really need to take anyone else into account so they find change or intrusion into their world hard to accept. This sounds like your neighbour and with additional mental health issues.

I think, if you are at all concerned he could worsen in his treatment of you, you should tell the police. I would be very surprised if you can do anything to de-escalate his behaviours unfortunately.

I'm particularly concerned that this has only started to happen since you split up with your ex. To me, that (along with some of the language you've heard) suggests this is driven by misogyny and there is no way for you to deescalate it. Also, if his behaviour is driven to some extent by dementia or similar, it is likely to get worse over time and may well transfer to your daughter as she gets older. It's best to have it on the authorities' radar from the start.

I had similar when DH died. My neighbour began subjecting me to the same kind of misogynistic abuse you're getting OP. For a while the whole thing made me too nervous to even set foot in my own garden. He only backed off once I was feeling stronger and told him I would no longer stand for his fuckwittery. He now crosses the road to avoid bumping into me.

These types of men seem to get their kicks from targeting vulnerable women.

Thanks all. It's helpful to talk this through.

To address some specifics, sorry for lack of namechecking....

From what I understand from another neighbour his sister lives across the road and maybe her extended family too (it's a small town into which I am an interloper). I've never really spoken to her, I'm at work most of the day and fairly busy otherwise, so I'm not often about to get to know people. I suppose I could approach her, but apparently he often ignores her occasional knocks on his door, so I'm not sure how effective she would be. Plus, she's, I would say, older than him and I don't want to put stress onto her. I get the impression (again from the two sets of neighbours I'm on vaguely chatty terms with) 'everyone' knows he is difficult, but it's worth considering.

He's probably late 60s, early 70s, but an old version of that if that makes sense. My parents are a similar age, but much younger seeming. He seems very old school.

His house is looked after, but always dark and 'shut up feeling' if that makes sense but that's part of the mental health issues I think are present. It's all done in a very rote way.

The dementia thing has occured to me.

I am in a newish relationship, since the beginning of this year, and my boyfriend (what an odd term for people in their 40s and 50s!) has suggested he could have a non-inflammatory conversation with him. He would be very calm and reasonable, probably more so than me, that's one of the reasons I've not responded before. I was in an abusive relationship for many years and it means I struggle to remain calm in confrontational situations with aggressive men, I go the other way and I'm all too aware of that. I don't think NDN would realise there's a man on the scene, as we're being very discreet and see each other somewhat irregularly due to childcare issues on both sides, and when we do we generally spend time at his house rather than mine.

I agree wholeheartedly about the misogyny. I didn't detail every insult, but there's a lot of 'whore', 'slag', 'bitch' type words in there too.

I have blinds on my kitchen window, which are always half closed, but I don't like to close them completely as the back half of my house is incredibly dark, but that is a sensible suggestion. I suppose I do resent a bit feeling like I'm under siege in my own home and have been resisting the worst of that.

I do worry about it happening to my DD, but I've casually asked and he's never said a word to her. She thinks of him as the slightly odd man next door, but doesn't worry about him at all, so I'm sure he's never said anything. She's not the kind of kid to hold back if something is upsetting her, so I'm certain he's not done anything in her earshot. Partially reassuring, but also partially worrying as it suggests he's fairly in control, and it is a very directed sort of anger.

If it's too dark with blinds get voile nets or half window film & paler decor. Id make your new partner very visible too when NDN's outside. I'd be wary of escalating with a 'discussion' : because dementia can mean logic & reason come & go & it could 'up' the obsession.

I am replying to this because your experience closely resembles a situation my wife and myself have had to deal with.

1. No one should have to tolerate what you have described.
2. Your NDN's behaviour is threatening and sounds as if it is escalating. It is, on the face of it, harassment within the meaning of the 1997 Act.
3. Your NDN may well have MH issues. Whilst sympathy is appropriate that is not your problem to deal with. My wife called the police when our NDN entered our property uninvited while I was out. Their response was immediate and brought to a close unpleasant behaviour that had been going on for a decade. In that time we had tried friendliness, tolerance, and understanding - all to no avail. All it did was ramp up NDN's unpleasant behaviour. Being threatened from the other side of the kitchen window was the final straw. I advise that you write down your experience and make comprehensive notes of each and every incident. Avoid the temptation to respond in kind.
   Above all act to protect you and yours. In our case this situation did not resolve itself.

You can get privacy film to put up at the window, you can see out but no one can see in, not that you should have to. He is not old, he might just stop when he realises you have a new partner, I'd make sure he found out and saw him and if it carries on you should report it.