Are we still friends

[Noneofmybeeswax]

I know, this is a little bit playground but I'd like other people's thoughts on this...
I've been best friends with a girl for more than 15 years (since uni days) we were Bridesmaids for one another, used to go on holidays together, etc. I know people grow up and move apart and I don't expect the same relationship we had years ago now we both have families and live a couple of hundred miles apart.
I had hoped that despite this we were still good friends.
For a few years the only time we've spoken was during our commuting time but last year she's been on mat leave and won't answer the phone to me. The reason we spoke in commuting time was she doesn't like to interrupt her evenings which are family time but during the year off she wouldn't answer no matter what time of day or evening i tried. I understand life with a baby and a toddler is hard but i would have expected one of 6 calls in a month to be answerable, even if it's just to say "can i call you back when it's quieter?"
We did meet up earlier in the year and I asked for her landline number as I struggled to get her on the mobile and she politely avoided giving it out. She will occasionally respond to messages but they're superficial.
I've invited them over to stay several times but recently they find reasons not to either at short or long notice. We have never been invited to their house since having our kids (5 years now).
I get that life is busy and I'm sure I'm a crap friend - I've got a horse, twins and a job to balance but I really thought we meant enough to each other to pick up the phone occasionally while sat at home watching the telly.

No. She doesn't want to be your friend any more, for whatever reason. Give up, and focus on nicer friends.

I’d stop bothering. You’re not a priority for her or she’d make time.

But I don't really have many other friends. Especially ones who've been around for years.

I'm saying this with kindness, you are not her best friend.
She may be yours, but it is not the same for her.
She has given you as many signals as she can, without coming right out to say 'frig off already'.
I'm sorry, I can tell from your op this will hurt.

I think you need to make some new friends. How old are your twins? If they’re young you’ll probably get to know a lot of people through baby groups. Or you could start a new hobby?

Some people just aren't able to give the emotional commitment to the gruntwork of friendship when things are busy or stressful for them, while others desperately need their friends. I am the former -- I just withdraw when things are difficult, and find the most superficial kind of communication very difficult. I had a very bad time after my son was born for various reasons and didn't see or talk to anyone, but my closest friends unobtrusively let me know they were still there, usually via email, and didn't resent it when I didn't answer.

I would genuinely have found six phonecalls a month borderline harassment, OP. Which is not to say that this is the case for your friend, but maybe the way in which you communicate needs to alter? Before ending things, could you have a calm conversation about what kind and frequency of communication she would like?

I would concentrate on making new friends, it becomes draining when one person makes all the effort and the other doesn't bother. It's not going to do your self esteem any good to keep chasing her, stay quiet for a few weeks,months whatever it takes and see if she can be bothered to make the first move for a change. If she doesn't it's time to accept the friendship meant more to you than it did to her, you will make new friends. I know it's sad and not what you want to hear, but it will get easier. Big hugs 💕

She is your friend, but she is no longer a particularly close friend. This just happens sometimes and it hurts but it's just life...

This is due to distance, other priorities, different interests or social circles. However, it could be something as simple as she finds you need more than she can give at the moment.

When I first had my son, my head just filled with him and his needs, the domestic load became more and my social circle altered. I lost or had less contact with friends who were high need or dramatic and were outside this toddler bubble I created. Partly, because I had no news or chat beyond domesticity and was already exhausted.

Your friend will emerge from the intensity of the early years and you may regain some closeness ( but probably not). In the meantime, try to make some new aquaintances, widen your social circle and be open to new potential friendships.

Hugs for you xx

Thank you all for the replies. I had recognised we are no longer best friends but I guess the time has come to realise that perhaps we aren't friends at all. I am, unsurprisingly, heartbroken by this. I left my own babies first birthday early to be there for her on the night before her wedding day, i guess I thought that level of friendship would always bond us.
I am sorry to the person who felt my calls were borderline harassment, this translated to one call a week at different times/days to see if I could "catch" her when it was a good time. I guess you all think wanting to speak once in a year makes me needy. I didn't think I was high drama or needy but obviously this level of feedback - and her own blatant blocking of me says I'm not a nice person to hang out with. We used to be so close, the idea that she doesn't even feel the need to tell me she no longer wishes to speak to me hurts.

A friendship is two way.

If you weren't making the effort then it would have petered out anyway as .... to be blunt.... she doesn't want to see or speak to you.

Give up now and find other interests. Don't try and hold onto this as the friendship has already gone

OP - int he nicest possible way (and i really odn't want to be unkind or bitchy, or kick someone who's already down) the last 3 sentences of your post ARE needy and dramatic.

This is life - friendships change - they falter, renew, cease or start fresh - part of being an adult is realising that and accepting that's just the way it is. You can of course be sad about it, but your last 3 sentences are self-pitying, martyrish and immature!

I doubt very much your friend "no longer wishes to speak to you" - she is just busy and you are not her priority. I suspect when she gets 20 minutes to herself she wants peace, not a great long phone call!

From the sounds of it her life has moved on - she has new and different priorities and friendships, so you've grown apart - it happens to all of us.

I'd suggest you work on developing new interests and widening your own social circle - perhaps send her a message saying you really miss her and would love to catch up sometime, but you understand if her life has moved on?

Make new friends. Fill your life with new experience. People move on. Don't put yourself out for people and expect anything in return. It's often not forthcoming. You deserve better.

Maybe the 5 minutes she gets to herself, she doesn't want to talk to anyone, never mind return a call. She probably still considers you a friend, just not a priority right now and I can totally understand, with two young DC. She could be up in the night, have a cranky new born, I totally withdraw from friendships when busy with DC and under pressure the last thing I want is social interaction.

Maybe back off for awhile, I have friends I do not see for months and it is great when we meet, I have a friend who wants and expects much more, I find that friendship hard.

"Commuting time" = I assume early in the morning when she may be catching up on sleep after night feeds! No wonder she won't give you her landline. At least with her mobile she can chose to turn it off or leave it downstairs.

I suspect you wouldn't want her calling you at work when it is inconvenient to you so why should it be at your convenience. I get the evening family time thing too.

I suspect she does want to be your friend but perhaps not at your convenience!

Your experience of raising children is clearly very different. I think she probably does still want to be friends but doesn’t have the energy or time to give more of herself to your friendship.
We all go through different stages that are easier or harder. Maybe you have more help than her/easier children/supportive oh. Don’t take it personally. Leave the door open, no need for a dramatic parting. Just let her get back in touch and reset your expectations.
I care for my friends very much but I have zero time and energy. It is not about them, it is about me

OP, I don't think Inez was trying to make you feel bad. I read her post and identified with it so much.

I had a really tough time before Christmas, I was completely overwhelmed. But relaying that to all my friends just isn't me. I like to share the good times, the funnier stresses and minor dramas, but hashing things over for hours and hours just isn't my style.

Especially with the distance that is now between you on top of family changes, she just might not have headspace for that. It's not a rejection of you, but of how you fit into her life.

I know it sucks - I've been there. But this is a near inevitable part of life, especially with people so mobile these days.

Hi OP

Friendship is usually a two way thing and they'd be calling or texting you too (assuming there's no crisis etc as withdrawing then might be a coping strategy). My long distance friends and I often miss each other's calls for a few weeks but it's not long before there's a text back/from me to say sorry got a lot on etc and then we meet or eventually chat and it's all good.

I think this friendship has maybe come to an end or at least is now more of an acquaintance level?

I am sorry to the person who felt my calls were borderline harassment, this translated to one call a week at different times/days to see if I could "catch" her when it was a good time. I guess you all think wanting to speak once in a year makes me needy. I didn't think I was high drama or needy but obviously this level of feedback - and her own blatant blocking of me says I'm not a nice person to hang out with.

I certainly didn't mean to make you feel bad, OP, and I certainly never suggested YOUR calls to YOUR friend were borderline harassment I can't know what she thinks. I said that I personally would have found six phonecalls in a month far too much when I was in a bad place after my son was born, and wouldn't have felt able to to be upfront and psychologically together enough to say 'Things are hard I'll be in touch when I can, but it may not be for some time' and then had to deal with someone responding emotionally to what might have felt like rejection.

Re you 'not being a nice person to hang out with' -- this is not necessarily what your friend thinks at all. It's not about you, quite possibly. I was as fond of my friends as ever, and grateful for their faithful periodic emails to which I seldom replied (and those friendships have survived, I should add), I simply wasn't able for the emotional and practical demands of relationships at the time. I didn't want to talk. I didn't want to meet. Someone phoning me and wanting to talk would have felt like an extra thing to juggle when I was just about surviving.

Obviously, your friend's situation may not be mine, but that's what it felt like for me.