hoarding?

[spiderrico]

Not the normal type of hoarding mind.

When I was I in my first marriage I was saving up for a new bit of tooling for my workshop (employed, make items for sale on side). This was expensive, so I decided to start saving by stashing 10-20 pounds a week. This i did from my money not family money, as we had a joint account but also retained our own accounts for the little bit that was left over.

I went without for a couple of years, almost got to my target amount, then my partner had an affair. Lots of drama ensued but we limped on, trying to survive for another two years. Now my wife didn't know of my fund and after the affair I decided go keep going with it, really going without now to save more, but being careful to keep it within bounds of normal spending, so I scraped up to about 25-30 a week.

Relationship ended, no DC thankfully, divorce and the split left me with not too much. Luckily for me, I had an untraceable 3.5k in my back pocket, which let me rent a room, get back on my feet, reestablish etc.

Anyway, I am into another relationship now, creeping towards marriage and I am thinking of starting a 'just in case' fund again, which I could realistically fund with about 25 pounds a week without it looking excessive on statements. Is it wrong to do this? I love my new partner, want to marry but I have been burnt before and know that the little bit I had saved my bacon.

Please no 'all money is family money' diatribe. Its not how I do it or my partner wants to do it. Vast majority goes into joint account, but the remaining few hundred after house/bills/food/any DC remains with the person. I shudder to think how much worse it would have been if we had both had everything in one joint account.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with having some of your own money that you do what you choose with. I wouldn’t keep it secret though because there’s no room for secrets in a relationship imo.
Me and DH split bills and living costs 50/50 then whatever is left over is ours to do what we like with. As long as you’re not forcing your partner to struggle financially to save your nest egg it’s not a problem.

I think you need to be honest with your partner. On principle I would have no objection to my partner having a savings fund they wanted to keep for themselves separately but I would definitely object to them ferreting money away behind my back in case we broke up. I also don't think it's legal in the event of a divorce to have secret bank accounts (I'm not an expert though - happy to be corrected). If you have equal but separate spending money as most couples with separate accounts do then of course it should come out of your spending money not joint money.

This was in physical cash form, so no account to declare and no paperwork. As it was a real trickle over the years my statements just looked like it was weekly expenditure - I stopped drinking coffees/buying expensive food at work, that's how it was funded.

What you are doing is totally fine and (in the nicest way) none of your partners business. This is your private money, allocated to you after a fair split of household expenses - you can do with it what you damn well like.

It might be a little impolite to state baldly to your partner "this money is in case we split up" so probably don't frame it like that. You don't HAVE to tell him/her anything - in fact, I would advise you not to. All adults are allowed privacy and anyone who says "No secrets OF ANY KIND can exist in a happy marriage" are weird, controlling zealots.

I did this in my first marriage at my mothers suggestion and have done it again. It feels comforting, to have it.

Glad I'm not the only one! Like I said, originally it wasn't the plan for it to be a divorce fund but uunffortunately events turned it that way.

As an example for everyone 25 x 52 is 1300. Times that by 6 (rough length of previous marriage) and its 7800. Cab anyone who has been through divorce say hand on heart that if they had this at the time in cash form and untraceable they would a) declare it on their form and b) feel bad about accruing it?

How long have you been with your current partner?
You don't have to marry every woman you come across.
Why do you want to get married again?

A few years, after a couple of years single to realign. I am still quite trusting in marriage as an institution, I am older now and I hope a better judge of character, and I love her and am old enough to see it as a abiding, long term love unlike my 20s self.

Despite this, my last wife was not a bad person in many ways, but had obvious judgement issues. I did not spot this, like so many until it all came to a head and was too late to turn around.

I am no hypocrite, if my partner did this then that is absolutely her business.

I don't plan on doing it forever, I will probably push it up to 10k over the first 4-5 years then stop. That is ample as an unofficial cushion.

It is also compact enough to be placed into a lockable box and kept away from home!

Warning. I did this. Still do, it’s my habit, DP calls me a squirrel. But... I got burgled. Burglars took stash a bit never found stash b or c. I was lucky. Open a savings account and drop it in every 6 months or so. I didn’t even really know how much I’d lost because of the nature of my squirreling. Maybe £500?

Its not hoarding. Everyone should have independence, even from their nearest and dearest. No one should be destitute, either within a relationship or after a separation.
Independence is not just financial, its mental and emotional independence as well.

Everyone, male or female, needs a 'running away' fund that is your sole preserve.

Well I am shocked! I expected to be crucified for not being trusting and for withholding a secret moneypot during my divorce, seems people are thinking along the same lines as me.

I am going to do this, I may let it grow in pereptuality or cap it at a certain amount, not sure yet. If left to grow at that rate it could be in house/flat deposit territory after 10 years or so which would be handy if all went wrong after such a long time.

The only issue I see with it is having a sudden cash injection post divorce into an account.

It's a good habit, OP. Maybe more people should do it. As to "all money is family money" it is often most suitable to those who earn less than the partner, or stay at home. Hope it works for them but I personally - working or not - would not assume the same logic.

I don't blame you in principle OP. I just think it's a bit sad that, despite claiming to trust in marriage, you are so clearly preparing for failure.

Entirely sensible as long as it comes out of what you and your partner have agreed as your own 'spending money' - because in that case it makes no difference to your partner if you save it or spend it on sweets.

Though should there be any kind of emergency that needs money quickly, it would be a bit harsh not to use it if not using it means eg your child or partner suffer.

I trust in my driving abilities, yet I have insurance in case of failure. I trust in my working practices, yet I wear safety googles in case of failure. Both of them I am the only human factor that could fail.

There is a difference between blind faith and faith with prudence.