AIBU to ask for more?

[Hyperbolesoul]

I share my 11yo DD with ex partner. We are on very good terms, she adores her df and his wife, and he has always contributed both financially and practically.

However- she is getting older, and would like more time with him, and the daily costs of raising her are creeping up. I wondered if its time to ask him to increase both maintenance payments and actual visits. To clarify, maintenance has been the same since we split, so no increase in 10 years.
He and his wife work full time, no other kids.
Seriously tho- I really don't want to step out of turn, he is a fantastic father and we have zero issues, but I won't lie- money is stretched!
Any advice?

Can't you just ask him if he would be able to contribute more? Perhaps give a ballpark figure for the increased cost?

I wouldn't mention increased access at the same time - sounds a bit like blackmail! (ie give me more maintenance and we can discuss you seeing more of dd)

You can ask but if hes paying more then the cm minimum he does not have to give you anymore.

Also be aware if he has more contact the cm minimum also goes dpwn as in its also calculated on number of night he has the children

Oh no- she sees him as and whenever! No, she would like more time there but as both work full time, there would be some issues making it happen.

You are totally doing the right thing with not confusing access with money! As a mediator it shits me when people dangle more time as a carrot when looking for extra cash. Regarding the money there are two options, you could sit down and have a "expenses are increasing how she is older" chat, or you could choose to ask him to pay for specific things, like "she now wants to dance twice a week, it's not something I can stretch to in fact once is a struggle with everything else, could you look at taking over responsibility for dance classes" (or whatever). If she stays with him more he will be taking on a bit more cost with day to day expenses, but that may not be much help depending on how much extra you think you need. In any case well done for keeping things so amicable.

I definitely don't see any problem with saying your DC would like to spend abit more time with them if possible.
Maybe with regards to maintenance payments if you don't feel comfortable with asking for more money directly you could ask for contributions to the big things like school uniform/new winter coats/shoes.

It sounds like you have a good relationship though I don't think it's unreasonable to ask for an increase considering you haven't had one in 10 years

worridmum
We don't deal with CM at all, never have.
It's always been open and voluntarily arranged by choice. She sees him several times a week, but not for long periods due to work.
For her to see him more would mean asking him to juggle work- I'm not sure if its bold of me to ask.

I really don't want to step out of turn, he is a fantastic father and we have zero issues, but I won't lie- money is stretched!

I think that's a perfect way to put it to him, to he honest. It's entirely focused on the practical issue - she wants to do things which are costing more - but isn't critical of him in any way. Like a pp's suggestion of asking him to take responsibility for some specific things or activities; that makes the whole thing more tangible for him as well (e.g. DD now goes to this club which costs this much - could you pay for it as I pay for another?).

How much does he earn and contribute at the moment? How long is she with her dad at the moment? What are the increased costs?

Depending on the answers to those questions perhaps your ex could be responsible for paying for some extra things directly. (For example he could be in charge of clothes shopping with DD or new shoes or DD's clubs).

Does he have her overnight?
Have you worked out what he should be paying you?
If you know approx what he earns you can have a look HERE
I'd check that before tackling about more money.

Well- I asked him there to have a chat with his wife about times/days off etc and if he can help with odds and sods (winter gear, classes etc)
And of course, he is totally fine with it.... he agreed that she is defo growing likes weed and eating like a bottomless pit at their house too!
The visits will be tricky- but he is going to pick dd up from school today and have a chat with her. She will be delighted

hellsbellsmelons

Yup checked it- he is only slightly under, by about £20 which we where ballparking.

Love all this advice. I feel more confident to just chat to him, without feeling that I'm putting him under pressure with work, and he has no issues helping with anything she needs.

That’s a great result if only all ex partners could communicate as well.

Hope you get it sorted. Do you think he will have had a pay rise in the last ten years? Seems likely.

I'm glad he is willing step up.
So good to see an Ex like this on here.
Just let him know when you need things.
Have an honest discussion about money and how tight it is for you right now.
He sounds like he will listen and pay his share.

Well, good news

He is looking into meeting with HR at work to discuss weekend flexibility and we have decided that regarding extra help with money will be left up to him and our DD (if she has a need, she can approach him for help, things like clothes, outings etc)

I think I just needed help with her life 'admin for want of a better phrase. Great dad tho he is, I am still always the one she asks so it will be nice for her to ask him sometimes instead of me!

Lovely to hear things have worked out well 😊

Its great that things have worked out well.
I am not sure I’d be so grateful re the money though if he’s actually paying under cms!! That’s a bare minimum and won’t begin to support clubs and school clothes etc.