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AIBU?

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Original poster

WWYD Told kids their grandfather was dead.

16 replies

DroningOn · 04/09/2018 18:24

My father is a complete waster, he's been absent from my life for more than 30 years. My parents were never married and he left home when my DBro and I were pre school, there was limited contact thereafter but we've not seen him since I was 8.

He has a history of drug and alcohol abuse and had a history of domestic violence towards my DM. To avoid the difficulties of discussing this with my two DCs it's become the accepted truth that he died when I was young.

He's now trying to make contact again via an old friend he's still in touch with and I don't know what to do, especially since the old friend knows where we live and could pass on my address.

I'd be more than happy for him just vanish again but I'm waiting for the time when it all comes to a head and my kids find out I we've lied to them all these years.

OP posts:
MissionItsPossible · 04/09/2018 18:27

I would confess the truth to them but explain why you told the lie in the first place. Without knowing the full story, they might feel anger towards you that you “robbed” them a relationship with their grandfather, especially if he is now clean(?) and it could be spun by him that you cruelly cut him out of your life and he was the innocent victim.

BottleBeach · 04/09/2018 18:29

How old are your children?

Original poster
DroningOn · 04/09/2018 19:02

They're 11 and 14. Yes that's the worry as I believe he is now on the straight and narrow and very remorseful (apparently!)

OP posts:
Starlight345 · 04/09/2018 19:06

At 11 and 14 I would explain before they hear another version

Littlechocola · 04/09/2018 19:08

I would explain

CherryPavlova · 04/09/2018 19:09

Truth is always the best strategy.

FlipnTwist · 04/09/2018 19:12

why would you lie to them about something this big? It's really disrespectful, they are goining to worry what else you have lied about.

CloudCaptain · 04/09/2018 19:12

I would explain but make no effort to gild the truth. They're old enough to know how he was.
I also would not contact him either. Unless you really want to. Wait to see whether he turns up.

ForalltheSaints · 04/09/2018 19:21

He may be your biological father but he sounds no dad to you, so you cut him out of your life. I agree with CloudCaptain's suggestion.

Original poster
DroningOn · 04/09/2018 19:22

FlipnTwist I lied because when my young children started asking about my father I didn't want to tell them how I remembered him being blind drunk at my 6th birthday, or how he hit their grandmother and made her cry or how he used to steal from his own children's Christmas money to feed his drug habit or how he cared so little about his own children that he hadn't made any effort to see them for years......

OP posts:
Xiaoxiong · 04/09/2018 19:26

I was a similar age when I realised that my maternal grandfather was still alive. My parents had never said one way or another, so I just assumed he was dead. I asked my mother about it and she told me to forget it, but my DDad explained that he had behaved badly to my mother quite a few times and she wasn't speaking to him anymore, but didn't like to talk about it. It was quite a good lesson in boundaries and going LC/NC with a narc parent - that just because it's your parent doesn't mean they have to be a part of your life if they are monstrous. I would explain it to your kids that way, that family members aren't allowed free rein to be horrible to each other and that you have kept your father out of your life until now as a result of his own actions.

They may be curious about him - I was, just because it seemed incredible that someone could be that bad. But my DDad just said he had some good qualities but generally was a sad person who lashed out at people, and bullied and upset my mother and other family members over many things for years. That was enough to keep me from wanting to ever get in touch with him or resenting that we had no relationship.

Original poster
DroningOn · 04/09/2018 19:31

Xiaoxiong. Thanks, I've been so worried about being the bad guy I've probably not given my children the credit they deserve in terms of their maturity and understanding of it all.

OP posts:
Frustratedandalone · 04/09/2018 19:44

As far as my Duaghters know and will know. My husbands father is dead. He is an alcoholic who stole my MILs inheritance and pissed it up the wall.
Made her life a hell and my husbands. We have nothing to do with him, nor does my MIL. And god willing he won’t be around much longer anyway.
He’s a scumbag who when found out I was due to give birth to dd2 through a mutual acquaintance, he broke into my MILs house and trashed the place because she hadn’t told him.
Thankfully she’s now moved away and is closer to us. Even if he cleaned up his act I’d never let my girls near him. Vile vile man.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/09/2018 20:15

I would think very very long and hard before you allow your father back into your life. Especially because you wouldn't be the only one affected if it all goes tits up, which based on your father's track record, is the likely end result. Your father does deserve ANYTHING from you.

Original poster
DroningOn · 04/09/2018 20:16

Aquamarine1029 thanks

OP posts:
Norma27 · 04/09/2018 22:41

I thought my grandad was dead until I bumped into him one day when I was 18 and he told me who he was. I had always heard what a bastard he was so understood why I was lied to as mum didn't want anything to do with him. I don't think I saw him again, but did go to his funeral in my mid twenties for some reason.

I would probably tell them the truth, but say that you don't want him to see them if that is what you feel is best.
Good luck in whatever you decide xx

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