To just want to tell someone.

[Peanut379]

I’ve created a new account to post this as it’s quite sensitive. I used to use mumsnet quite a bit but this is my first time posting in a while.

I’ve been separated from my ex for about 2 years. We’d been together for 7, have 2 kids together so I still have to talk to him and see him a few times a week. We had a horrible break up, but I’m not entirely sure it’s relevant to this story, so I can come back to it if you’re interested.

Anyway, I’ve moved on, have a wonderful guy, great life, generally extremely happy!

I’ve told my new guy this, and a friend, but I can’t really tell anyone else in real life so I thought this might make me feel better. It still weighs on my mind sometimes and if anyone has suggestions on how I can get closure on this situation, I’d really welcome them.

So, the catylist to our separation was his behaviour when he drank. We would go to his parents about once a month, with his siblings, and he would drink to excess. Like, hammering back pints, whilst also being a bit of a lightweight. He would become rude, belligerent, loud, annoying and a total liability. He’d be sick almost every time and be totally useless the next day, in bed until the afternoon. On these occasions, I’d normally go to bed at about midnight, and he’d be up a few hours later, stinking of drink. Almost every time he’d wake me up and come onto me. Mostly I’d tell him that I was actually asleep and not tonight. When I did that he would sulk so badly and argue. He’d try and make me feel guilty about it and say that I never wanted to have sex with him (we had a fairly good sex life apart from that, about once a week). It was awful and I used to absolutely dread him drinking.

About 2 and a half years ago, the same thing happened. This time I gave in because I didn’t want to have to deal with the sulking. It made me feel disgusting. I remember how obviously turned off my body language was, I couldn’t even touch him. I won’t go into detail, but he has so rough with me I had to ask him to stop. It was rough treatment not through malice, but just misjudgement from him being so smashed. Cue the sulking from him. I felt so utterly humiliated and shocked.
The next day, I realised I was bleeding. When I told him, he didn’t even say sorry. I couldn’t believe it.

I didn’t bring it up with him again until about a year later, when he questioned why I broke up our marriage. He said he was ashamed, but never actually said sorry.

I feel so upset that I have to hold onto this. Everyone thinks he’s such a decent guy, and I’m not saying he’s not got his good qualities, but all of his friends and family just think that I ended our marriage out of the blue and he plays the victim.

That was very long so I apologise. I just want to be able to let it go.

I'm so sorry you've been through this. Have you spoken to a counsellor about it? It's so annoying, they have no idea what he has done so I can see why you shouldn't have to keep it to yourself

Thank you.
I haven’t, I didn’t even bring it up when we were in relationship counselling after we split up as I was embarrassed about it and didn’t want to upset him (how pathetic is that!).

People minimise situations / avoid telling people about them for all sorts of reasons: embarrassment, shame, worry about not being believed, a desire to protect those involved (whether that be an ex, family, mutual friends) so not having mentioned it is not pathetic at all - you poor thing. What an awful thing to have gone through.

@Peanut379 do you think that seeing another counsellor and/or confiding in someone close to you - whom you would expect to respond sensitively and supportively - might help you?

Sorry-I've just re-read your OP and you've said you can't tell anyone else in IRL, might you be able to speak to the one friend whom you've told? & keep posting on here if it helps. Really do feel for you.

His friends and family may think he's wonderful but they know he acts like a knob when he drinks. I have a friend who's the same - i secretly wonder why her dh puts up with her when she binge drinks.

So maybe these people do have some idea why you ended it but their loyalty is to him and they won't tell you what they really think.

I echo advice to see a professional. He violated you. I'm sure he does have redeeming qualities, but he's also done bad things. Life would be so much easier if we could clear seperate heroes and villains, right? But it's messy and grey.

It sounds like you have (deservedly) moved on in many ways. I think you just need the chance to tell your full story to someone who can help you come to terms with it.

It sounds like your Ex has his own demons. But thankfully they aren't yours to deal with anymore. Exorcise your own and to hell with any of his family or friends believe to be true. He knows what he did, you know it too. The difference is you've realised you need help to move on.

I do not think from what other have said that he is a decent guy. He is abusive when drunk, that is not decent. What advice would you give a dear friend, your daughter? Listen to yourself, be kind to yourself, you do not deserve to carry the negativity here. Taking about it is the first step to healing, you have started to talk here, well done.

I am so sorry to hear this OP.

I used to work for an NHS rape & sexual assault centre, and what you've described doesn't sound safe or appropriate. I am so sorry you were treated like this.

He doesn't sound like a good guy and you deserve better, and I'm pleased you're happier.

I personally would advise some trauma specific counselling - you can contact your local Rape Crisis to find out about this, or there is region specific counselling, with local charities or providers. You could ask for a GP referral for IAPT or NHS provision - this however isn't usually trauma informed and may not be that helpful.

As others have said, talking is the first step which you have done. Be proud of that

Thank you so much for all of your kind words and helpful advice.

That is very true, and I do try and tell myself that he and I know what happened and that’s all that really matters. I just feel like I put up with it for so long and he just can forget about it without any consequences.

Really I’d just like to forget about it, rise above it and forgive him, but that’s easier said than done.

I’m so sorry OP, that is awful. Your partner is meant to love you and treat you with respect and kindness, it was terrible what he did.

I also agree with PP that a counsellor or a therapist might be a good way to help you work through these feelings. A professional doesn’t know you, doesn’t judge you, doesn’t have any preheld notions or bias about you - all things close friends and family might have subconsciously - so you can take freely and openly. Sometimes even saying the words out loud is freeing.

I had therapy for a different issue which I had never discussed out loud, it was amazing how just getting the words out helped me clear my thoughts and understand it better. I learnt things I never knew about myself and it helped me immeasurably - and the therapist being an unknown person was very important.

I hope you manage to get closure and work through it

I'm sorry you went through this OP. It wasn't right and it's something you are understandably struggling with, but I think it's a really positive thing that you ended the relationship and didn't leave yourself vulnerable to that behaviour from him again after he'd crossed a very big line. You can't change what happened or make him feel or say sorry for he did, which sounds like one of the main issues you have with it all, but you showed amazing strength and stuff what anyone else thinks of him.