Aibu to consider whether it's possible to take out restraining order

[MiniTheMinx]

I'm sat here hiding in the kitchen......again. except this doesn't always work because my loopy father can access the garden and try to get in.

I
For background, he's 87 and last year received a diagnosis of dementia. He lives next door. I love him but I'm a bit scared by him. He's always been a bit temperamental, but essentially kind, generous and helpful. He's a social busy body who is used to being involved in groups and being with people. I'm an introvert who can only cope with my job if I have time alone.

In the last year it's been hell. I can't get social services to understand my concerns. He's leaving his doors open, walking about outside at all hours, drinking every day, giving strangers money, he's getting lost, falling, ringing 999 regularly, starting fires, and I fear for his safety.

But the bit I can't cope with, I have been home for the holidays. He bangs loudly at the door up to 15 times a day. He tries to let himself in. If I answer it seems to encourage it, if I don't he returns and bangs in the door approximately every hour. I can't go into the garden without him pouncing, I can't go out or return without him coming straight out of his house and standing in front of my door.

I can't cope with this feeling of being under siege. Am I being unreasonable? I feel so guilty for not just coping with him.

I can’t see them putting a restraining order on him as he doesn’t sound like he’s mentally capable of understanding it and abiding by it due to his dementia. Or have I misunderstood? I’d be looking to move or to move him to supported accommodation.

I don't see how a restraining order will help as he needs the capacity to understand and it doesn't sound like he has that. He needs social services involvement but I don't know how you get that if they are refusing to engage sorry.

I don't see what good a restraining order would do as he wouldn't understand it. Is your intention for him to be arrested and charged with harassment? He's ill, not a criminal, so I can't see the police prosecuting him.
Could you put him into residential care where he would be properly looked after?

Move house!

He has dementia which is an illness, not nice to call him loopy.

Who stays with him? Do you have other family? If he is at risk you may need to look into residential care for him. Do you want social services to help you find care?

I don't think it would be kind or reasonable of me. He would be very hurt and not abide by it. It's just me venting I guess.

Social work made an assessment and he now has carers for 30 minutes in the morning. They are fab and so nice to him. He's also nearly totally blind and deaf. He's getting worse. The problem is that he's physically very very fit. I've seen him run recently! He often disappears and I'm having to manage all the various individual charities, church busy bodies, volunteers and his girlfriend who is ripping him off. Social work said they would visit again but never have. He doesn't have a social worker.

He nearly set fire to himself in the garden. I could scream. It seems that because of my background (in social work) and live next door that some how I'm expected to just cope. My DCs feel under siege too. They actively try to avoid him.

A restraining order will be useless, as he has dementia so simply will not understand it and won't comply with it.

It sounds as though he needs residential care. You need to get back onto social services, and keep on at them. You need to raise it with them as a safeguarding concern, as he is starting fires, falling and giving money away to strangers. Adult S/S are desperately overstretched and underfunded, so you WILL have to be persistent. If they know you live next door they will try to leave the burden of care with you. You must insist that you cannot/will not be responsible for him.

Does he own his own home? If so, it might have to be used to fund residential care for him. It doesn't sound safe for him to live alone, on many levels.

A restraining order wouldn't be granted because he doesn't have the capacity to understand it.

If I'm honest, it sounds like he needs to be in a specialist dementia unit

I don't have siblings. No family support.
Loopy......sorry I'm not being cruel. I don't mean this to be taken as my deriding him. He would describe himself in much the same way. He has.

I have the family solicitor involved, they have power of attorney.

I can't move. I couldn't. He'd be upset. I'd feel guilty.

I have pushed for residential last time he was taken to hospital. I was told he could cope at home. He has savings but by no means enough to pay all residential fees.

Can you not consider a private residential home for dementia. If he owns his house selling it should cover any fees.

From your description he clearly needs considerably more care than 30 minutes a morning. Get in touch with adult social care again and tell them what you’ve put here.
If he’s not able to care for himself and is being taken advantage of by strangers etc then he probably does need to be in a residential home but if he doesn’t agree to that and you don’t have power of attorney then that’s going to prove tricky

Personally, I would be speaking with the solicitor with the view of putting him into a private care home. If he has his own home, this can be used to off set the cost.

He has an illness, not loopy and I am sure this is not a nice situation for you but I doubt dementia is a walk in the park either. No one is winning here 💐

I don’t think he’d even understand a restraining order. Also let’s face it you couldn't really give your father with dementia a restraining order? Your just venting. His just an ill man the poor fella

I can’t believe someone suggested moving house now that’s cold. Fuck your dad, leave him to deal with his dementia alone and just move house.

What about a home help a couple of times a week for company? Would saving help pay for this? 30minutes in the morning is not enough

Keep pushing social services? It’s a disgrace the way elderly vulnerable people are treated.

Ultimately though it does sound like he isn’t safe to live alone, what the solution to that is I don’t know.

I think I need to speak to solicitor next week. I'm worried about his physical welfare. But the other major issue which I feel needs addressing for my father is his emotional and mental health. Despite wandering around, having friends, going to day centre, going to church (he's Jewish, no synagogue and got drawn in) having carers, a lady friend (who takes money and gifts constantly) being friends with all our neighbours he's still lonely, lost, bored and feels alone all the time. He just can't occupy himself enough to not feel lonely.

He imagines things, has filled in gaps in memory with fantasy, he rewrites history, and he has even had hallucinations. He sprayed himself in flea killer because he said he had bites. He hasn't. He said he could see fleas. He has no bites, I have no bites and no pets. He sees his family appearing on walls, and all sorts of other stuff which scares him.

I will try gp (who has refused to speak to me) and solicitor on Monday.

Thank you people for listening. My friends think I'm lucky to have had such great patents. I've no siblings and feel quite guilty for not coping.

You need to get back to SS and keep saying this is a safeguarding issue.
He is a risk to himself and others and is being financially abused by the gf.
Tell them you will hold them responsible if anything should happen.
Get the name of the person you speak to then follow up in writing.
Then contact your MP.
Have you got POA in place?
If not I am afraid you can't do much else.