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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask DH for 45% of his income towards bills?

55 replies

ArnoldBee · 04/09/2018 08:58

I've worked out that DH earns 45% of what I earn. Therefore would it be logical to ask him to put 45% of his income towards the household bills or what would you do?

OP posts:

LinkyPlease · 04/09/2018 09:14

I agree with some PP that what you propose feels unfair for a family, though I'd say its fine for a couple with no children.

What you currently have is very unfair too.

I reckon the best way is all money into one account which all bills, food, childcare etc comes out of, and you both get an equal amount of personal spending money out of the joint account too.

Maybe if he chooses to work part time and doesn't do any childcare in this time but spends time on his hobbies etc then you'd have an argument that he should have less personal spending money than you, but if you both work similar hours and do similar childcare then it feels very unfair and not right to me that you have vastly more hobby money than him, or vice versa

mrsm43s · 04/09/2018 09:15

At the moment I pay all the bills with a small contribution from him towards the food. This includes paying me paying for everything for DSD except maintenance.

That doesn't seem fair.

You can either split the bills (including food) 45/145 and 100/145 as previously said, or split the bills so that you both have the same amount of spending money left after bills.

You need to discuss it together and come up with an agreement as to which is the best way to go.

Generally, having the same amount of disposable spends each, after all bills are paid seems the fairest to me, presuming both adults are working (or providing childcare) for roughly the same amount of hours each week. The only time I'd say this doesn't work, is when one adult is choosing to be underemployed, even though they are in a position to take on more hours (i.e not for childcare/household reasons)

longwayoff · 04/09/2018 09:15

Oh god. Happily I dont live with either of you.

BadLad · 04/09/2018 09:16

How serious is your relationship?

She calls him DH, so I assume they're married.

What would you do?

Depends on your incomes. If you're both high income, then just 50-50. If money is tighter, then you pay two thirds to his third. But DW and I like our financial independence - we don't pool our money - so we are probably not the norm,

missbattenburg · 04/09/2018 09:18

As others have said 45% is not a fair split, imo. It means he is likely to be paying proportionally more towards the bills than you are.

Working out his % of the total household income will give you the % he should pay.

e.g. You earn £100k a year and he earns £45k. That means he earns 45% of what you do.

The total household income is £145k.

He earns £45k/£145k = 31% of the total household income.

You earn £100k/£145k = 69%.

He pays 31% of the bills. You pay 69% of them.

Original poster

ArnoldBee · 04/09/2018 09:21

I got into.this situation due to him having 2 mental breakdowns so I had to get on with it. 3 years later i would like to re-evaluate things so I can actually afford some new clothes which I don't think is too much to ask. DH also has a heart condition which means he can't go to work regularly as he's often in hospital.

OP posts:

KM99 · 04/09/2018 09:23

My OH and I worked out our average total monthly outgoings - food, bills, mortgage, holidays, DS costs etc. We then contribute towards that whatever % of total income we bring into the house, rest is for us to individually save/spend.

So for example I bring in 70% of the total income in our house, so I contribute 70% of total running costs to the joint account.

We do talk a few times a year about our current savings, adding to DS ISA etc.

TeenTimesTwo · 04/09/2018 09:25

Him contributing - YANBU.
But as others have said clearly already, your maths is wrong. missbattenburg has explained it clearly.

The other way would be to total up income - expenditure, and share it evenly between the two of you, so you both have the same discretionary spends.

Aus84 · 04/09/2018 09:26

If you are trying to make things fair and equal - you both put 100% into an account, pay all bills and then split/share the rest.

Original poster

ArnoldBee · 04/09/2018 09:28

DSD lives with her mum but we have a joint DS. The house is in my name and I pay for it. DH has issues dealing with his money but won't let me sort it for him or even together. He's been like this for 8 years so I don't think it's going to change!

OP posts:

trojanpony · 04/09/2018 09:32

I've worked out that DH earns 45% of what I earn. Therefore would it be logical to ask him to put 45% of his income towards the household bills or what would you do?

Just to check the maths (salaries are made up)
In this example does your DP earn £45k and you earn £55k.
Or does he earns 45k and you earn 100k?

It also depends on the actual salary amounts as this has a large affect on disposable income on low salary but now much on higher salaries

StatisticallyChallenged · 04/09/2018 09:34

Your current approach seems really unfair on you.

I'd suggest you have a few choices - taking in to account his income being unstable.

Work out income from each month once you've both been paid. Work out total bills to come off, including food, maintenance, all regular costs. Deduct from total income. Divide remaining by 2
Work out total income and total bills as above. Divide bills in proportion to income earned that month - so if he's earned £1k to your £2k, you pay 2/3 of the bills and he pays 1/3. You each keep your own leftovers.
because he's so resistant, you work out a more acceptable fixed monthly contribution from him with the agreement that it can be adjusted if he's been off sick.

Xenia · 04/09/2018 09:44

SC's comments seem fair.
I was starting off to write by saying 45% is about half so why not just split everything other than the step child by half but if he doesn't pay half of childcare bills for any child and your father helps with that presumably for no pay that does not sound too fair. On the other hand he's ill - in sickness and in health etc and you are married.

seventhgonickname · 04/09/2018 09:47

Yanbu.You dh should be paying for his share if the bills.This us life,if you left him he would have to manage.Having mental health issues does not mean he gets everything his way.

C8H10N4O2 · 04/09/2018 09:51

Oh god. Happily I dont live with either of you.

Do you live with someone with mental health problems?

OP: In general my advice to married couples is split the income so that each partner has equal share of leisure time and equal share of "spending money".

However when one partner becomes ill, especially if its a condition which impairs judgement on money issues all bets are off and you may just have to take control of all financial decisions and give him some rules to follow. This may actually help him too. It sounds ridiculous but a partner with significant MH issues plus physical health problems may well find it less stressful in the long run if you do this.

Its hard on you though.

ReanimatedSGB · 04/09/2018 09:53

So you are basically supporting this man and getting very little in return? Do you want to stay in the marriage? 'Mental health issues' are not a free pass for him to do whatever he likes at your expense.

If you think you and DC would be better off without him, start making plans in that direction (and don't let anyone whine and moan and guilt-trip you about it being your 'duty' to stick with him no matter what.)

Rosemary46 · 04/09/2018 09:54

Make sure you know the legal position regarding your house. Just because it’s in Your name and you pay for it doesn’t necessarily mean you own it and would keep if I’d you split up.

MrsStrowman · 04/09/2018 10:00

I earn more than DH, but we both earn a decent wage, we both put the same amount in the bills account, and we both put a set amount (me quite a bit more than him) into separate savings accounts that we use for joint things, we are both left with the same amount of 'spends' each month, we pay for our own mobiles and car insurance/fuel out of our personal amounts, as well as any clothes or other personal purchases. What we do with our spends is entirely up to us, no judgement as bills and savings are already taken care of, and just because I earn more doesn't mean he doesn't work as hard and deserves less spare money.

Sunnyjac · 04/09/2018 10:09

Sorry, I always find these posts odd. I’m married, we both work, him FT, me PT. Our money goes into a joint bank account from which all bills are paid. We have a small, equal amount into sole accounts each month for own spends/birthday presents for each other. What’s his is mine, what’s mine is his. No need to work out percentages or splits. It’s our money regardless of who earns it

Birdsgottafly · 04/09/2018 10:14

If you cannot trust him with money and that is why you don't have a joint account, or pool your money, then you have to get to a point were you have, as equal as possible, the same disposable income.

In the case of a high earner living with a low earner, it isn't fair that the low earner lives in poverty, whilst the high earner has enough money to do whatever they want.

But this doesn't sound like your situation.

You do need to reevaluate things. What is his attitude to you when you put it to him, that you need to free up your money, so you can get essentials like clothes etc?

Birdsgottafly · 04/09/2018 10:16

Sunnyjac , that's great, as long as one of you isn't blowing it and the other can't even have new clothes, despite them working.

Sunnyjac · 04/09/2018 10:27

Birds fair comment but that wasn’t the question that the OP originally posted. In answer to that, I find it odd. If there are other issues as have come to light then it would be helpful not to drip feed

Butterymuffin · 04/09/2018 10:36

Mental health issues' are not a free pass for him to do whatever he likes at your expense.

Amen to this. And it is not sensible anyway for the 'well' person to be massively overloaded as if they break down, all the people depending on them (including husband and stepdaughter) are in trouble.

Butterymuffin · 04/09/2018 10:37

Sunnyjac what you seem to be saying is that you can't imagine why anyone would do anything differently to you? Helpful

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 04/09/2018 10:46

I think you have to put a value on his child care contributions. Because free childcare is also a contribution

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