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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

50th Wedding anniversary celebration.

24 replies

toxic44 · 03/09/2018 18:32

DP's parents are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. We were told very clearly it is family only and I am not invited (We've been together over 20 years). His brothers are taking their DW and DP; when DP asked, his DM said, 'That's different.' The only difference is I'm not English and they all are. DP has refused to go without me. I think he ought to. I've said I'd take him and bring him back the next day (200m away) but he refuses point blank, says they're insulting us both. AIBU to say his duty to his parents means he ought to go?

OP posts:

kitkatsky · 03/09/2018 18:41

Shrugs. I'd say his duty to his parents is to go but his duty to you is not to go given that they're excluding you. If you feel strongly about him going tell him in no uncertain terms that you have zero issue with him going. Life is too short to fall out with parents unless absolutely necessary. If you were upset about this it'd be different but sounds like you don't much mind either way

CandyflossKing · 03/09/2018 18:41

YABU. Good on him for standing up to them!

Returnofthesmileybar · 03/09/2018 18:43

Nope no duty to people are down right rude to your oh irrespective of whether they are your parents or not. So yabu because he is nbu

MumW · 03/09/2018 18:46

I'm 100% with your DP. They are insulting your relationship. His parents have basically made a racist statement and he is making a stand on your behalf.

Leeds2 · 03/09/2018 18:49

I think he is doing the right thing by standing up for you.

Ditheringquietly · 03/09/2018 18:53

I'm with your DP. He's probably deeply ashamed of their behaviour and thinks by going he's condoning it.
Good on him.

Original poster

toxic44 · 03/09/2018 18:58

There have been problems before about why he isn't with someone 'his own colour' as DM puts it. (I've a light olive complexion) but he's shrugged them aside and said he's happy with me. I don't want to go to the celebration but don't want to make a rift between him and his family. Ditheringquietly you're right, he was very embarrassed when they said it.

OP posts:

PilarTernera · 03/09/2018 19:00

Entirely up to him, they are his parents. If he feels insulted, he won't enjoy it. As the MN saying goes, it is an invitation not a summons.

Santaclarita · 03/09/2018 19:06

He sounds great and that he is actually standing by you. That's what a good partner does, they stand by their partner. Sorry that they are racist towards you, ignore their stupidity. Don't send a present either, not even a card.

mimibunz · 03/09/2018 19:11

I agree with your DP.

Etino · 03/09/2018 19:16

Good for your DP for standing up for you.

CoughLaughFart · 03/09/2018 19:37

I think it’s lovely of you to say you’ll take him, but he’s clearly (and justifiably) angry with his parents and doesn’t want to go. Yes, they’ll probably blame you if he doesn’t go, but to be blunt, if they’re refusing to acknowledge you after 20 years, it can hardly make your relationship with them any worse.

Matilda15 · 03/09/2018 19:56

Your partner sounds lovely, I also think you sound lovely for still offering to take him.

Basically it sounds like you have a great supportive relationship and you should relax about him making this stand for you.

I also agree if after 20 years they haven’t accepted you then what’s the worst that can happen?

Seniorcitizen1 · 03/09/2018 19:58

You both go ir neither of you go - if it was me that would be non-negotiable.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/09/2018 20:00

He’s right. They’re out of line celebrating their relationship by disrespectful their son’s.

Be pleased he’s standing by you.

Curtainshopping · 03/09/2018 20:00

don't want to make a rift between him and his family.

You’re not, they are.

He’s doing absolutely the right thing and you should be backing him. It’s great he’s standing up to them.

KM99 · 04/09/2018 06:52

You sound lovely, OP to be thinking of your DP first above your own feelings.

What about his parents duty to him? They have chosen racism and hate over their love for him. Nope, they are causing this rift and your OH is doing the right thing to stand up to them.

Angrybird345 · 04/09/2018 07:33

Wow, that’s nasty! Good fir your dh not going. What if you have kids, how on earth will they treat their grandchildren. Vile people to exclude you. Has dh siblings commented at all?

Shoxfordian · 04/09/2018 07:37

Is it because you're not married?
Good for him for standing up for you though, he's right not to go without you

allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 04/09/2018 07:39

You and your DP are both sounding very sensible and reasonable.

What do your DP's siblings think about this? If ALL the children / their partners refused to attend any family event unless you were invited, then the parents would see that they're in the wrong.

justilou1 · 04/09/2018 07:43

OMG! They’re racist arseholes! Your husband is doing exactly the right thing by showing his parents that their backwards behaviour is not acceptable in this century.

n0ne · 04/09/2018 07:52

OMG, that's hideous. I would never go to an event my DH was excluded from due to his colour (FWIW I'm brown, he's white, I have a plethora of black family back in DM's home country who've never been anything but lovely to DH). I'm so sorry, OP

Ellisandra · 04/09/2018 07:59

If I was one of his siblings or their partners, I’d be refusing to go to, in support of you and to demonstrate that I don’t accept racism.
On the off chance it’s your marital status not your skin colour, I’d still refuse to go.
20 years you’ve been with him!

Is it far enough away to call their bluff and pretend you’re getting married at a low key registry office event first? Just to be awkward

ushuaiamonamour · 04/09/2018 08:13

Honest to god, I don't understand how you could have a shred of respect for your DP if he did attend the party. And if his brothers know about your exclusion yet agreed to go they're at best cowardly and at worst contemptible--accepting acts born of bigotry is much the same as endorsing it.

I wonder if you're bending over backward to make allowances because this behavior is directed at you--? Nice people sometimes strive to tolerate nastiness directed at them when they wouldn't stand for it if someone else were the object of it. If a friend or sister or child of yours were excluded because of their skin colour would you encourage them to accommodate these horrid people?

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