We divorced last year and I always knew he smoked weed, as did I pre-dc. After having children he said he'd stop, or not bring any home, which afaik he kept to. He was also supposed to have given up smoking altogether, but every now and then I smelt it on him but he always denied and said I was paranoid. I know he smokes now, but doesn't in front of the dc, but his house can be thick with vaping odour, which I don't think is great.
Now I can't stop thinking about various things that happened over the years and feel like he may have been using harder drugs as well as weed. My reasons are:
- He was very moody, often distant and/or irritable.
- He had an affair, and once, long before he told me a message came through on his phone and I went to look at it and he panicked and grabbed the phone from me. Obviously I was suspicious and he said it was because he was stressed about moving house and had asked a friend to get some coke for him. I was angry and he promised he wouldn't take any. Afterwards I assumed he'd really been worried about me seeing messages from the OW, but he actually could have been using drugs as well. Odd that that was the lie he came up with.
- Shortly after he told me about the OW and we were supposed to be working on the marriage we went on a family day out as it was my birthday. He insisted I drive which he had NEVER done as he liked driving. He was distant all day. Something always struck me as odd about this and now I am wondering whether he may have used something to get him through the day.
- We always ran out of money. He was a sahp and I let him take full control of the money I earned and never even looked at our account (I know...) Every month at the end he would tell me to be careful as we only had a tenner left etc. We always had to put anything unexpected on a credit card, which was never cleared, and we couldn't afford to go abroad. Now I am on my own and have to pay childcare, which we didn't as he was a sahp, and I also have a car loan as the old car we had finally packed up, yet I have plenty left each month, have been abroad twice since we split and am paying down the cc and haven't added more to it. My mortgage is higher as I had to buy him out as well. Now I know I'm not paying for his food and clothing anymore, but I still feel it's odd I'm so much better off unless he was spending money on things I never knew about.
I know he drinks quite a lot as I see the bottles when I drop the dc off. In some ways I suppose it doesn't matter now, but it bothers me thinking that my old life may have been even more of a lie than I know it was, and I'm worried about the dc going there. I know he wouldn't put them at risk, but it doesn't seem right.
Am I being paranoid and UR or not?