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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To Worry About 8 Year Old's Friendships - Invitation to a New 'Club'

23 replies

HoleinmyBucket · 03/09/2018 10:05

Our 8 year old is a happy chap, on the surface. He is a kind, thoughtful, chatterbox (sometimes too chatty for other children - who just want to get on with a game instead of talking through all the things they 'need to know' before they can start playing) - he can be a bit of an 'organiser'. He is essentially an only child (older half siblings are much older). His teachers say he is a lovely, friendly boy, who plays with anyone/everyone and gets on with everyone.

The problem is he doesn't want to get on with 'everyone' - he really, really wants a best friend.

Last week his teacher asked for a chat about his recent behaviour in class - where he has been clowning around in lesson time (this is a new thing) - she feels that he is trying to 'impress' others to try and be included in their groups - she says that he isn't a natural fit for any of the friendship groups that have formed in his class - he's in a mixed year 3/4 class and he's too mature for some of the groups and not mature enough for others. He's never actually sat on his own at any point but he's always a 'tagged on' person rather than part of a group.

Today he had a letter put in his school bag - I'm guessing from someone in his year group, all properly in an envelope - handwritten. It says he's been invited to the entry trials for the Random Association, Thursday lunch under the big tree on the school field signed I & G. We can't work out who this could be. My heart is aching for him - he's picked up the note several times this evening and re-read it - the look on his face tells me that he feels this is something special - someone wants him as part of their group. I had a gentle chat with him and said something along the lines of who does he think it might be .. and, then, could it be someone making a joke - his face fell as he hadn't thought of that - and then I felt bad for bursting his bubble a little bit. He has also recently started a Friday lunchtime 'colouring club' at school - the children who he names as being part of it are younger than him - I think he was hoping to whip up interest amongst his peer group but didn't have any luck.

AIBU to worry that he's going to be disappointed on Thursday? WIBU to pop out of work on Thursday lunchtime (I work just around the corner) and stay out of sight to observe what happens under the tree (only half serious with that suggestion)? Also, any advice for helping him to find his place in the whole friendship minefield - we invite kids over for playdates regularly and he does 2 sports after school as well as Cubs all of which have kids from all the local schools (4 x primary schools fairly close to each other). I have 4 children, I should know the sensible answers to this but I feel clueless.

Sorry this turned out to be so long - thanks for making it to the end.

OP posts:

Orchiddingme · 03/09/2018 10:09

You should know with 4 children that no good comes from interfering in their friendships! He's learning- what works, what doesn't work, setting up his own club. Let him get on with it. Don't peek round the tree, by then those children may have forgotten about it. Help him weather the storms by being the consistent 'soft place to fall' (as some American TV guru used to say) for him. He's doing fine, there's nothing to 'sort' here, not for you, anyway!

donkeysandzebras · 03/09/2018 10:14

If you've already spoken to the teacher about friendships, I might flag this to her and ask her to mention it to those on lunchtime duty. It could be something nice; it might not be but it would be better for it to be someone within school watching from a distance than you.

TheHulksPurplePanties · 03/09/2018 10:15

I remember being invited to something similar at around that age OP, and sadly it turned out to be a bunch of girls way of bullying me (i.e. make me jump through hoops, etc to earn their friendship, only for them to be laughing behind my back). Young girls are horrible though, so fingers crossed this is a legit invite to join a group for your son.

MrsWooster · 03/09/2018 10:15

I want to cry for him and you. DS is 8 and sounds exactly the same. Does he have a 'thing' that he can excel at and you can subtly imply that others don't 'get'? DS is ace at Minecraft and Lego and when he sees others doing other stuff that he isn't included in, he rationalises it by seeing the stuff as their area of excellence. It is not perfect but it stops him feeling like a tag-on

anotherangel2 · 03/09/2018 10:16

I would talk to the teacher about this and then stay out of it.

foldingtable · 03/09/2018 10:17

I think you explain that it’s a lovely idea, but for safety reasons children shouldn’t be organising clubs that adults don’t know about.

You take a copy of the note for yourself and give the original to the teacher. They will then ( hopefully) explain to the class why this isn’t acceptable. It’s decisive and secretive so a good opportunity to talk about what to do if someone tells you to keep a secret.

I’m sorry but I don’t know what to do about the friendship issues though.

foldingtable · 03/09/2018 10:18

Devicive!

NonaGrey · 03/09/2018 10:19

I would have serious concerns about something dubbed “entry trials” and would very quietly be mentioning it to the teacher.

I’d also be discussing with my son that he shouldn’t have to “prove” he’s good enough to be friends with someone and the importance of saying “no” if asked to do something inappropriate/unkind/against school rules.

GreenTulips · 03/09/2018 10:24

He doesn't need a best friend.

Some children are never quite a fit in some class groups so going to other clubs etc is a good idea.

More than likely he will find his people at high school

But for now he just has to bump along with the children in his class (for another 3 years)

Original poster

HoleinmyBucket · 03/09/2018 10:54

Orchiddingme - you are right, I know you are, and the idea of being the 'soft place to fall' makes so much sense - thank you.

MrsWooster - crikey yes, they do sound very similar - funnily enough my DS is also into Minecraft and Lego too. He's also very into Cubs which really promotes team work and including everyone - I'm hoping this will help fill that 'gap' a little for him. (I have shed tears tonight once he was in bed too).

Thank you to everyone who has mentioned that it would be wise to tell the teacher - sending her an e-mail now - I really hope that it's just an innocent craze going round school at the moment - my DS with colouring club and someone else with Random Association - but the posters who have mentioned that it could be something to keep a close eye on definitely have a valid point. I particularly have taken note of the suggestion to chat with him about being good enough for friendship without having to complete 'entry trials'.

Thank you

OP posts:

Orchiddingme · 03/09/2018 11:13

At my dd's school the teacher did have a chat with the children and banned clubs that were named after individuals (e.g. Peter's club) or excluded people. It was all getting a bit out of hand. This was a similar age around 8. I don't think it hurts to mention it to the teacher, but in general I think staying out of the ups and downs of children's friendships is best unless there is sustained or active bullying (in which case I'm up the school like a rat up a drainpipe!)

SockEatingMonster · 03/09/2018 11:35

Poor DS The problem is, even if the club is just a bit of fun and everyone ‘gets in’ (like all the ones I remember from my school days), it will all fizzle out quite quickly and almost certainly won’t give him the deep and meaningful friendship he craves.

Do you live near any of his school friends? My DS goes to a village primary and I have noticed that the friendship lines radically reform from the age at which the children start being allowed down the park by themselves and/or to knock on friends’ doors and invite them to play. In areas like ours, where there may only be 3 or 4 children within a safe walk, those 3 or 4 children tend to form close friendships regardless of age, interests and gender. Some of those friendship spill over into school and some are just outside school, but they are all meaningful ones.

Original poster

HoleinmyBucket · 03/09/2018 12:10

Unfortunately, we aren't living very close to school at the moment, so no school friends in the immediate vicinity. We were renting closer to school when he first started but, for various reasons, have moved a little further away for a while (15 minute drive) - we hope to get a rental closer to school once our current lease expires - and by then he will definitely be able to 'play out' so maybe that will help too.

Off to bed now (different time zone) but really appreciate the helpful words.

OP posts:

SockEatingMonster · 06/09/2018 15:54

How did your DS get on @HoleinmyBucket? I was thinking about him today.

Original poster

HoleinmyBucket · 06/09/2018 21:35

Thank you for thinking of us

Have been meaning to update ...

So, I emailed the teacher with a photo of the note - she sent a lovely reassuring reply that she understood my concerns and promising to investigate. At the end of the school day she emailed again to say she had found the children behind it and that it was all good - she had a chat with them (one slightly older girl who also goes to Cubs and one the same age as DS but not in his class) - she said their intentions are all good and they invited several children to join based on who they enjoyed playing with. The 'entry trials' was badly worded (she is only 9 after all) and she had planned an 'ice breaker' game, that they have played at cubs, for everyone to get to know each other.

DS was very excited yesterday morning and it apparently was great fun and he enjoyed playing with some children he hadn't really played with before.

Thank you everyone for the wise advice - even though, this time, it turned out to be well intentioned the situation did give me the opportunity to have a few thoughtful, and important, conversations with DS.

OP posts:

SockEatingMonster · 06/09/2018 21:56

Oh that’s lovely, I’m so happy for him. Thanks for updating

PourMeAGlassOfMilk · 06/09/2018 22:05

Oh I'm so pleased for your ds. That sounds like a lovely club to be invited to. And proves that so many kids are thoughtful and kind 💙. Hope he finds his tribe soon.

Buggeritimgettingup · 06/09/2018 22:05

Yay, I love a happy ending.

Rebecca36 · 06/09/2018 23:15

Very good news, thank you for telling us.

Veterinari · 07/09/2018 08:11

Aw lovely! And reinforces your thoughts that the Cubs inclusive ethos is working too - might be something nice to feed back to the Akela?

foldingtable · 07/09/2018 20:04

Phew, I feel mean for thinking badly of these children now though. Lesson for me!

Mulberry72 · 07/09/2018 21:21

Ah that’s lovely OP!

Sounds a lovely little group he’s been invited into

Original poster

HoleinmyBucket · 07/09/2018 21:54

foldingtable
I think it was wise to approach this situation with a degree of caution - so don't feel bad but it was a great outcome this time.

Thanks again everyone for the good advice.

OP posts:

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