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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

For thinking my partners ex is out of order

25 replies

Amyjane282 · 02/09/2018 18:35

More to the point is she being unreasonable or have we been?

She is the most difficult person to communicate with regarding him seeing his daughter. They have a 4 year old daughter together (we have no kids together but I have a son)

So they’re currently going through court a child arrangements order as he is fed up of her dictating when he can or can’t see her.

The court suggested they make interim arrangements until the next hearing. He agreed with her that he would come down on his next day off (today) and take her out for the day.

On Thursday she messaged him saying that if he came near her or her daughter or house she would phone the police and told him he’s not seeing her until ordered by court.

He reluctantly accepted as with her, there is no point arguing about it as she will play victim.

So Friday we booked a holiday as it’s his birthday tomorrow, originally we where not going to as he was going to spend his birthday and time off of work with his daughter but she cancelled that.

He is now getting messages saying that he has to come to see his daughter tomorrow and that she is really upset and thinks daddy doesn’t want to see her.

Aibu to say no and to go on holiday?

It’s like she says jump and expects him to say how high.

OP posts:

TwoOddSocks · 02/09/2018 18:37

If there's really nothing else going on and this is the full story then yes of course she's massively Unreasonable.

Aprilshowersinaugust · 02/09/2018 18:39

Keep a diary of all messages from her, go on holiday and do not be drawn into her mind games.

CarlyJayne1987 · 02/09/2018 18:40

Does she know your going away? Sounds like she does an using the poor child as a bargaining tool as control.

I would call her bluff and go away - keep every text/call for court...

or offer to take the child away too???

no you arnt wrong...even if x's hate each other, there is no reason to use the child as a weapon.....

Original poster

Amyjane282 · 02/09/2018 18:41

Nothing else going on.

They went to court, where told to agree interim arrangements, he said he would come on his next day off she agreed.

She then got angry that he wouldn’t pay for her car to be fixed and told her to take it out of the child support (he pays £800 month) she then said he couldn’t see her and if he came near the house or her she would call the police.

Today she’s been messaging saying he is choosing me over his daughter and loves me more than her and would rather go on holiday than see his daughter. She’s demanding unless he comes now then she will fight for supervised access only

OP posts:

CherryCherryCherry · 02/09/2018 18:43

Good advice from carly I'd offer to take his daughter too. That solves it all and she's not controlling the situation.

Original poster

Amyjane282 · 02/09/2018 18:43

Carly Jayne- yes she knows she found out on social media. Her passport has expired so unfortunately she won’t be able to come else we would offer, my son is not coming either.

OP posts:

Stepmum3 · 02/09/2018 18:44

I think you don’t visit said child you play into her hands.

Was the conversation made in actual court about seeing said child on his next day off. As this will be documented.

Maybe speak to your solicitor in the morning. If he has PR she can’t really do anything other than call the police and say he is harassing her which then goes through as a DV notification.

Original poster

Amyjane282 · 02/09/2018 18:46

Stepmum I think that’s why she has done it, she knows if he doesn’t come then it will look bad as he agreed with the court that he would see her on his day off which was documented. He also has texts from her saying that if he turnt up or tried to take her daughter police would be called so I suppose he can show them.

we are playing in to her hands either way. We go then she uses it against us, we don’t and he visits then she knows she’s ruined our holiday and his birthday

OP posts:

mooncuplanding · 02/09/2018 18:47

She will be saying those things to the DD too (Daddy loves his new girlfriend more than you. He won't come and see you etc.) so please do not underestimate the damage she will be doing to your partners relationship with his DD

There is no easy way but getting court approved access and having very little contact with parents like this is the best way.

As for your holiday, I don't know. It's a really hard one - if you go, you give her ammo, if you don't go then she is in control and has deliberately ruined your holiday

There is NO winning with people like this, I'm afraid to say

Aprilshowersinaugust · 02/09/2018 18:53

My ex had an ex like her. Decided her dd should be included in our holiday, fine except she wanted to ring her 3 times a day every day!! And gave us suggestions of where we should go!!
Then decided her dd's first holiday should be both dps going - so she couldn't come with us as it wasn't fair she hadn't taken her on her first holiday!

Soontobe60 · 02/09/2018 18:53

What does your DP think?
Obviously you should go away. Keep a record of all the texts she is sending, have voicemail switched on and don't answer her calls, let her leave messages which you can also save. When replying to voicemail, do so by text rather than phoning up.

Stepmum3 · 02/09/2018 18:54

I would speak to your solicitor.
Tbh if it happens again I wouldn’t post anything on fb or alike. Because now it’s look Dad would rather go on holiday than be with you blah blah. Screen shot all messages and send them to someone else I do this with my ex. Maybe sure you have details of the person who sent them on screen shot.

If you have no solicitor there are some who hold surgeries for free we have one in Northampton if you are near by I can find out their details. Log everything. X

LouHotel · 02/09/2018 18:56

It was a bit silly putting your holiday plans on social media is his ex can see them - if she's always been so difficult I would have expected that....learn for next time.

I would try to change the holiday to a stagnation and take the daughter, if not possible I wouldnt go because as much as its the ex whose manipulated the situation she will spin this on the DD and it will be her who is hurt.

LittleOwl153 · 02/09/2018 18:57

Appreciating it is now late in the day but can he go now as originally offered - or first thing tmrw before you go?

Rebecca36 · 02/09/2018 19:04

I wonder why the ex is being so difficult, especially as your partner is being quite generous in financial terms. Is she still bitter over the split?

Whatever, the daughter she and your husband share must come first. I hope you can find a compromise.

Original poster

Amyjane282 · 02/09/2018 19:06

It will take him 5 hours to get there (she’s in Bournemouth he’s in Manchester) if it wasn’t due to distance he would offer to see her everyday after school if he could. He’s a great dad gives her £800 a month and she lives rent free in a property he owns, he doesn’t have to do that but he does it for his daughter to have somewhere stable with her mother (he brought the house for this purpose)

Last time his daughter stayed over (was agreed for a week) her mother demanded her home on day 2. We refused and ignored her calls and said she would be home in 5 days as planned. She ended up calling the police who did a home visit as she requested a welfare check. We wasn’t home initially so they visited his work place which was very embarrassing for him considering he had done nothing wrong.

So he doesn’t take threats like this lightly when she has a history of actually doing it. I guarantee even if he did come down on the way down she would say something like “I’m calling the police if you try to take her” and she would genuinely call them which she has proven in the past

OP posts:

Original poster

Amyjane282 · 02/09/2018 19:08

Yes I think she’s bitter over the split still. I think she makes every effort to make things difficult for us or to attempt to split us up, she tries to cause rows between us.

A while ago she was messaging all of my friends and family saying horrible things about me calling me fat, a slag etc. I had to contact the police and they gave her a warning, she hasn’t done it since but I think it was done to cause an argument between me and partner

OP posts:

Original poster

Amyjane282 · 02/09/2018 19:09

Previous to this she got in to debt as she wasn’t paying rent and she was made homeless, they put her in a bed and breakfast. Partner stepped in and sold his property here to buy them a house there so his daughter would have somewhere stable as staying in the b&b with strangers scared her so much she was bed wetting.

OP posts:

Babydusst · 02/09/2018 19:22

Your poor DP being tied to headcase like that.

I'd go on the holiday personally

Show her threats to "call the police" to his solicitor and have them printed off for court. If he thinks she's going to do that why would he realistically turn up? He's within his rights not to.

Hopefully he can a court order ASAP, that way the moron mother loses the very thing its all about for her - control

Original poster

Amyjane282 · 02/09/2018 19:29

Might be beneficial to note the courts actually ordered a psychological evaluation as she has a history of these sort of mind games and the courts concerned that she’s mentally ill

OP posts:

1CantPickAName · 02/09/2018 19:37

Would your dp go for full access/have his daughter permanently?

Unfortunately I think the only solution here would be to cancel your holiday and have his dd, with full documentation of this to show the court

wafflyversatile · 02/09/2018 19:39

Why isn't he going for full custody? His child deserves a stable home. Her behaviour is harmful to their DC.

notapizzaeater · 02/09/2018 19:45

When's the hearing ? He's got evidence of her not playing ball to show his solicitor

Singlenotsingle · 02/09/2018 19:46

I would message her back and say she has previously threatened him with the police if he goes down, so he is going to go on holiday as planned, as he doesn't want that to happen.

She sounds mentally unstable. Maybe he ought to apply for a residence order and have DD live with you and him.

Freshstart19 · 02/09/2018 19:49

I'd also say go for full custody. Was it a nasty split that's sent her west or was she always like this?

I would absolutely go on holiday and show the proof of her threatening to phone the police.
He has done everything right and the courts won't blame him for not going down with her threatening behaviour. You have it all on record via text I'm guessing?
Don't let it ruin your holiday and sort it through the courts.

It must be killing him not seeing his little girl.
Evil evil woman!

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