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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel put of my depth

22 replies

Meadowflowers · 02/09/2018 18:17

My dd took an overdose following an incredibly stressful year with various issues. Thank god she is ok physically and she has opened up a little and has talked to me about different things. My problem is that I just don't know if I'm saying or doing the right things. I'm so worried that she'll try it again although I think it was a cry for help rather than an attempt on taking her life. All I am doing is asking her if she is ok and looking at her all the time. I just don't know how to get her to talk to me more. I feel out of my depth.

OP posts:
deepsea · 02/09/2018 18:26

Is your dd having counselling?
Have you got other family or friends that can help you support both of you?
Monitoring her in a low key way. Organising some special days out, and telling her what she means to you will help ( obv don’t make her feel guilty)

Original poster
Meadowflowers · 02/09/2018 18:36

I keep telling her how much I love her. I'm trying to steer clear of telling her or showing her how upset I am as I don't want her to feel guilty. The counselling is being arranged as it is a very recent incident. I'm scared. My mum committed suicide when I was a teenager and that was hard to get over. I do think she feels better with everything out in the open but it is so hard to tell.

OP posts:
Original poster
Meadowflowers · 02/09/2018 18:48

Title should have read "out of my depth "

OP posts:
Original poster
Meadowflowers · 02/09/2018 18:49

I just don't want to get this wrong. I've got to get it right for her.

OP posts:
antwaki · 02/09/2018 19:02

Sorry to hear that meadow, a really tough time for you both. ThanksThanks If you can't afford to pay for private counselling to speed things up I'd be trying to spend lots of time with DD. When mine was really bad last few years we took drives out, was somehow easier to sit side by side and chat rather than face to face. Also let her know she could speak to me (though she rarely did) and tried to make really simple activities for us to do together- pick some crap TV you both like, make comfort food, get blankets and make a nest on sofa, tried to encourage her to reconnect with friends. I guess I was trying to stop her solitary behaviours and limit rumination and internet time. And break the all consuming Tumblr habit AngryIt's very tough but just knowing you are there for whatever she needs and love her is all you can do I think.

deepsea · 02/09/2018 19:10

What a terrible thing to happen to you, and it must be very difficult to face this all again. Maybe you need to look into support and counselling too?
Do you have some lovely things lined up? To look forward to?
I tried to commit suicide when I was young too, it is a very dark place ( at the time) every bit of love, care and support helped me a little less worthless. I hit the bottom but I felt strangely reassured that I knew at least where the bottom looked and felt like, and in fact the only way was up after that.
Why has your dd felt the need to do this?
Try and get to the root cause and talk about it as much as she feels able. Put lots of fresh flowers in her room, go walking with her, when she is ready invite her kindest friends over. Remind her that life is worth living, she will not always feel this way.
I went on to have an amazing life ( good career, lovely family) and have never revisited those feelings. I know you must feel beside yourself but try not to lose hope 💐💐💐

Igmum · 02/09/2018 19:17

So sorry to hear this OP Flowers. I second the driving tip, my DD will open up in the car, it seems less stressful for her. Also, if you can afford it, book some nice trips for yourself or make yourself a list of suggested activities to do together. CAMHS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services) should help and they do prioritise children at risk of suicide. Hope all goes well for both of you Flowers

DarthLipgloss · 02/09/2018 19:30

As well as contacting CAMHs/GP please contact Papyrus who are an amazing organisation who support and advise young people and their families through this.
Anyone would feel out of their depth xx

Original poster
Meadowflowers · 02/09/2018 19:31

Thank you so much for these lively messages. I felt a bit selfish for feeling so upset myself when it's her going through the problems. We are sitting on the sofa right now under blankets. She's asleep and I'm crying whilst watching her sleep and reading these nice words. It makes me think of watching her sleep when she was a baby and promising to protect her from life's nastiness and feeling slightly like I have failed her.
She has had some personal problems, as well as GCSE stress. I dont want to say too much as i dont want to out her or myself on here. She's always been quite a nervous person and has lacked self confidence. Completely opposite to my other dd.

OP posts:
Original poster
Meadowflowers · 02/09/2018 19:31

I like the driving idea. That sounds like a good idea.

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Original poster
Meadowflowers · 02/09/2018 19:38

LOVELY!

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GingerCatBigBalls · 02/09/2018 19:44

Blimey OP, that doesn't sound tough, especially after what happened to your mum.. In answer to your question - of course YANBU, I can't image anyone would feel within their depth in this situation! I don't have any expert advice I'm afraid, but do make sure you are looking after both of you iyswim. How old is your dd?

OzymandiasFanClub · 02/09/2018 19:48

Young Minds
youngminds.org.uk/
could help you (both?).

They have a parents helpline
Call the Parents Helpline: 0808 802 5544 (Monday to Friday 9.30am – 4pm, free for mobiles and landlines)

WittyFuck · 02/09/2018 19:52

This would be a challenge for any parent. Please do not feel that you are not doing the right things. There is not manual for how to parent children for these sort of things.
Gently, kindly, carefully, let her lead the way in terms of confiding. Not everything can be sorted immediately and the experts are on their way.
Best wishes.

Spice04 · 02/09/2018 19:54

Sorry to hear what you and your DD are going through. Echo what the above Pps say. Maybe use some open style questioning when talking her so your not giving her the option of a yes or no answer and maybe eliciting some more conversation from her. Hugs to you all, it sounds like your DD has a solid support network in you x

Haireverywhere · 02/09/2018 20:01

I'd second CAMHS.

Good luck OP. You sound very clued up and attuned but agree there's no manual you can only do your best and you are doing great. Hope you are getting some real life support too.

Original poster
Meadowflowers · 02/09/2018 20:01

She is 16yrs old.

OP posts:
antwaki · 03/09/2018 23:31

Hows your day been @Meadowflower?

Original poster
Meadowflowers · 04/09/2018 00:30

A little better thank you Ant. Dd is a lot brighter and has actually smiled for the first time in months. We talked for a bit. Baby steps. I told her the only way is upwards and onwards now but we have to keep talking. She laughed tonight and I got tears in my eyes. It could have all been so different. I am so grateful to whoever is watching over us. And grateful to you for asking how I am.

OP posts:
GingerCatBigBalls · 04/09/2018 12:35

Really glad to hear that OP Flowers

Original poster
Meadowflowers · 04/09/2018 17:15

We've been out for a girly day today, dd got her nails done, bought some clothes and bits for college. She's been talking about college and other things in the future so I'm taking this as a good sign. I hope so anyway. I'm finding myself not wanting to leave her on own though in case it's all an act.

OP posts:
Blessthekids · 04/09/2018 17:31

Hi OP,

Glad to hear you dd is feeling a bit better about things. I would say that counselling/therapy is vital. When my dh went through a very difficult period, the counselling made a huge difference, and the recommended CBT also really helped in managing his anxiety. I think you are doing a wonderful job of supporting her. I know that in the past, when one of my dds gets upset I can sometimes get so worried and panicked myself that I end up being snappy which is definitely not the right way of doing things. Hugs to both of you and the best of luck x

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