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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To throw the towel in with my 'best mate' after this?

36 replies

Truckingonandon · 02/09/2018 15:12

Best friend of 30 years. Had lots of issues over the last couple of years (mainly money related, leading to her putting distance between us). We've had lots of frank discussions though and tried to clear the air and although things were starting to improve, our friendship wasn't as close as it had previously been. We met up last week. She said, I'll call you in the week and we'll go out and we'll go out on your birthday too. Didn't hear from her, so I made the first move and text. She said, I'll pick you up on your birthday etc. I then got a text to say, I'll pick you up a bit earlier and btw, boyfriend is coming too (great, just what I want but I said nothing). On the morning of my birthday, she rang to say she's got a bad back and can't make it (she was out the day before and going out the day after though). So I sat in by myself on my birthday. It feels like the final straw. I've tried so hard to keep the friendship going throughout all the issues but I think I have to let go now don't I?

OP posts:

WilburIsSomePig · 02/09/2018 15:14

It sounds like perhaps the friendship has run its course? It's a shame but sometimes you just have to let things go, it all sounds very one sided.

MrsMozart · 02/09/2018 15:15

Let it go .

Friendships run their courses. The length of time is dependent on the individuals and situations that arise.

Use your energies to regain your equilibrium and then go on to new things and people.

OwlinaTree · 02/09/2018 15:17

I've stopped making plans with people who drop me at the last minute. I'd just be vague from now on, and don't commit to anything with her, make plans with others. She can come along if she wants to them.

redcarbluecar · 02/09/2018 15:20

It’s a bit hard to say whether you should let a 30 year friendship drop on this basis - perhaps depends on the nature of the problems you’ve had over the last 2 years. I’d be more than pissed off about the birthday thing, but if there were positives to the friendship in other ways I might try to shift my expectations a little so that I wasn’t relying on her socially but could still maintain a long standing connection.

Original poster

Truckingonandon · 02/09/2018 15:24

It wasn't always all one sided. It was very much equal until the last 2 years. We'd speak every day, go out most weekends etc. She fell out with me for want of a better expression over money and since then things have never been the same. She's been my dearest friend for all my adult life though and it really hurts to have to let it go. My long term relationship ended 8 months ago and yet this cuts much deeper than that.

OP posts:

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 02/09/2018 15:24

Let it go. I've let relationships go after being treated badly and its amazing how in some cases a few weeks/ months later they find they miss me and then are all over me again. Know your worth.

Original poster

Truckingonandon · 02/09/2018 15:28

She's broke, I'm not and she resents me for it. Truth is, she's far more gifted at work than I ever was but I chose to go and make serious cash (and can now afford to not work in my mid 40s), whereas she chose to go into a worthwhile job that pays shit money. She is 10 years older than me and will have to keep working and she can't get past it.

OP posts:

Freyanna · 02/09/2018 15:35

Has she suggested meeting up another time for your birthday?

Beeziekn33ze · 02/09/2018 15:36

Have a late birthday outing with someone else and don't contact her again except a Christmas card.
Or, if you prefer, contact her and ask if there's a date when you can have a delayed birthday celebration.

redcarbluecar · 02/09/2018 15:46

I'd be loathe to try to rearrange the birthday outing with her. Sounds like you'd be putting yourself in a position where she could let you down and piss you off again.

NoShitHemlock · 02/09/2018 15:52

happy birthday OP

Sometimes you just have to walk away. It's totally shit, but people change and if she is feeling resentment that has lasted for 2+ years, chances are that wont change. If you keep chasing her, it will leave you feeling like crap & everytime you meet up and the subject rises, you will feel like crap. Is it really worth it?

Original poster

Truckingonandon · 02/09/2018 15:52

She said, give me a day next week that you're free and I'll come round but I was just a bit vague, as I was so upset with what she'd done that I didn't want to commit to anything.

OP posts:

allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 02/09/2018 15:52

She fell out with me for want of a better expression over money and since then things have never been the same

probably time to move on, but it doesn't belittle the friendship you had in the past. hold on to the happy memories

Original poster

Truckingonandon · 02/09/2018 15:54

No shit - thank you and yes, I'm getting to the point of thinking is it even worth it. We were thick as thieves though for nearly 30 years. Hard to just walk away from it all. Your mates are so important.

OP posts:

Missingstreetlife · 02/09/2018 15:55

It's hard. Put it on the back burner for a while, see what happens.

Holidayshopping · 02/09/2018 15:57

She doesn’t sound like much of a mate any more though. Do you have others?

More importantly-what job did you do where you can afford to not work any more in your mid 40s-I’m jealous!

Aeroflotgirl · 02/09/2018 15:58

She sounds very flaky, I would just step back now, distance yourself from her.

Ansumpasty · 02/09/2018 15:59

She does sound like a shitty friend. I wouldn’t necessarily cut her out but I’d be dubious to rely on her again.
Sorry she ruined your birthday

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 02/09/2018 16:04

It would probably be easier to move on OP, but, is this boyfriend new, is he controlling ? If not, it's probably run its course.🌸

redshoeblueshoe · 02/09/2018 16:05

I was friends with someone for over 30 years, then she did some thing that I didn't approve of (in fact every one told her she was out of order), she decided she wanted nothing more to do with me.

The more I thought about it the more I realised I should have let it go years ago.

Sometimes friendships just become a habit.
Good luck whatever you decide, and happy birthday

TheCakeCrusader · 02/09/2018 16:13

Sounds like the friendship may have run its course. I would put it on the back burner too - if she still really values the friendship, she’ll make the effort rather than keep putting the ball back in your court and then letting you down.

It’s sad when a friendship breaks down because of financial jealousy.

3girlmama · 02/09/2018 16:34

Friendships do run their course sometimes unfortunately. Sad but true. Just don't go out if your way to contact her and arrange things. If she comes to you then that's good but try to focus more on friends who are there now for you x

Original poster

Truckingonandon · 02/09/2018 18:02

The boyfriend has been on the scene about a year. Not controlling in the slightest. Mate had given up on relationships after a 20 year marriage went sour. She'd been single a long time and so is now pleased to be with someone (she likes him a lot but doesn't love him and is with him largely cos of fanatical security). I can't put the blame on him for commandeering her time cos this all started a couple of years ago. That said, she won't really do anything much at the weekends other than see him now. I can't abide women who do this but I've never said a word to her about it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Truckingonandon · 02/09/2018 18:04

I'm going to have to step back I think. No other choice really.

OP posts:

Angelf1sh · 02/09/2018 18:07

I’d let it go. It’s a shame but not all friendships last.

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