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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU

26 replies

Iamtheoneandonly2018 · 02/09/2018 10:52

Dp just left. Feeling crap. Background DD spent the weekend with us as exP keeps messing around letting her down with contact arrangements. Went for a nice child friendly day out yesterday. Both DD and DP moody. DD as she wanted her daddy. DP as he wanted just me n him time. It's a no win situation. Or is it? Talk me down please. Feeling guilty n crap

OP posts:
ElainaElephant · 02/09/2018 10:54

They are both vu. It's not your fault, so that shouldn't be moody with you.

They both need to learn to make the best of a bad job.

You did the right thing. They are being ungrateful shits.

Gardenpicnic · 02/09/2018 10:56

Is he coming back or has he left for good?

Iamtheoneandonly2018 · 02/09/2018 10:58

gardenpicnicnot sure yet

OP posts:
Iamtheoneandonly2018 · 02/09/2018 10:59

Btw DD is 4.......

OP posts:
FadedRed · 02/09/2018 10:59

Well, there's no way you should be feeling guilty.
The two adult men here are the shit ones.
Your DD 'wanted her daddy' doesn't mean she doesn't want you, what she doesn't want ans shouldn't have, is being let down by her father.
Your DP know was that your child is your priority and, as an adult, should be acting like a grumpy toddler because he can't always have his own way.
Love you DD, and tell both of the spoiled boys in your life to grow up and act their ages.
Easier said than done, though. Flowers

Blanca87 · 02/09/2018 11:00

Your DP sounds like s twat.

FadedRed · 02/09/2018 11:01

shouldn't be acting like a grumpy toddler

Nicknacky · 02/09/2018 11:01

How long have you been together? It’s concerning that he is “moody” becuase your daughter was with you.

ElainaElephant · 02/09/2018 11:03

OK, I revise my initial post. Your toddler was not being vu. But your dp was.

ElainaElephant · 02/09/2018 11:03

Urgh. Child. Not toddler. Must read properly.

sleepismysuperpower · 02/09/2018 11:04

just remember that it isn't your fault. maybe you could try getting out the house, (local soft play?) but if that isn't possible then maybe doing some arts and craft at home? (spaghetti necklaces, egg carton caterpillars) distraction is the key sometimes. you could help with the crafts, therefore spending time with both your kids. wishing you the best x

dentie · 02/09/2018 11:04

I would expect my partner to be supportive of me doing the right thing by DD in this situation.

Not sure I would want to be in a relationship with someone so childish.

TwistedStitch · 02/09/2018 11:05

If your DP had anything about him he would have put a smile on his face and made it a nice day for a little girl who had been let down. The fact that he is acting resentful over your child is really worrying. And please ignore the ridiculous comment calling your child an 'ungrateful shit' for being upset.

NonaGrey · 02/09/2018 11:08

DP as he wanted just me n him time.

But he’s moved in with someone who has a child? How can expect that?

If you had a child together he would rarely get whole days with just you.

One day of an understandably upset 4 yo and he bails? Personally I’d let him stay gone.

What’s he going to do when she’s a hormonal 12 year old or a stroppy teenager?

MiddleClassProblem · 02/09/2018 11:09

He’s being a brat. What was meant to happen when ex didn’t take DD? Put her in a hotel for the weekend? She’s 4, she’s allowed to be mardy that she was looking forward to seeing her dad and been let down and not let go of it right away and take it out on the wrong people... because she’s 4. And that’s shot enough for you with out him acting the same.

If he can’t put your daughters needs first, is he really someone you want around?

MiddleClassProblem · 02/09/2018 11:11

PS he’s allowed to be annoyed but then let it go! Taking an ex out the equation, it’s something that comes with kids anyway if they get poorly or whatever. You have to be flexible. Whatever wonderful plans he had just have to be done another time and he has to accept that and move on.

IWishIHadEvenMorePlasticTat · 02/09/2018 11:27

I am putting my flame resistant suit on here but, having been in the DP's position, I can sympathise to a certain extent.

Yes, sulking and being a moody prick isn't on and I really hope your DD didn't pick up on it. If he's a sulky, moody prick in general then bin him off and no need to read any further.

BUT, when I first started a relationship with a man who had a DD a similar age to yours, he had 50:50 shared care with his ex, supposedly. But almost every single weekend without fail, the ex would back out of doing her share of the care - because she was going to a party or out with a new bloke or whatever. For the first three months of our relationship we only had two child free weekends together.

At first I tried to be understanding but after a few months of never having any time alone with my DP without the DD there, I have to be honest, my patience did wear a bit thin.

A new relationship needs time and nurturing to flourish. We could never go out because the child had anxiety and DP didn't want to leave her with a baby sitter. Even leaving her with his own mother, the child's grandmother was an emotional upheaval. It's hard when you meet someone you really like and want to spend time getting to know them on an adult level and there's never that opportunity.

I just don't think you can or should start a relationship with a childless person and expect them to be able to handle being thrown in at the deep end of a family dynamic where they're suddenly in loco parentis of a child every day. It's never going to go smoothly.

People say 'oh you know what you're getting in to' when you have a relationship with someone who's got a child. But in fact the opposite is true - especially if you don't have any children yourself. I had no idea what it was like to be around small children for longer than a few hours at a family barbecue. No clue. I found it really, really hard.

I'd pack my sexiest undies into my work bag on Friday morning along with a nice outfit for going out for dinner, maybe get a manicure on mu lunch break, all excited and ready to see my DP for the weekend only to get there and find his DD there. Takes the wind out of your sails a bit.

Obviously the child is always going to be the main priority but if you start a relationship, you should make them feel like they're at least A priority. Not that they're unreasonable and selfish because they aren't eternally grateful that you've invited them into a situation where your dickhead ex is now affecting their life and they can't say anything about it.

Anyway, hope that gives a bit of a different perspective.

Iamtheoneandonly2018 · 02/09/2018 11:40

iwish I get what you are saying.
He's not moody as a rule. He has a DS 14 who he sees EOW so not childless. Im not too happy about the situation either but it's not DD fault. She is coming through a bit of a screaming phase. Yesterday was a a bit stressful as we were going to another park. We'd already been to one. But she let go of my hand and jumped into the road en route. I tried to explain to her the consequences ( dangers etc )but she's 4 and got upset. That's when DP moodiness started. 'Shes already been to one park anyway, come on let's go'

OP posts:
IWishIHadEvenMorePlasticTat · 02/09/2018 11:52

It sounds hard all round. I wouldn't necessarily hold it against him if it's a one off.

Incidentally what did you say to your ex when he bailed on your DD?

I used to find it so frustrating that my DP's ex would bail on his DD and his DD would obviously be upset, but DP would never say anything to his ex like, tell her she was out of order, or to fix up and stop letting their DD down. He just sort of rolled over and let her keep letting DD down and fucking up our plans.

I know it's not easy and you can't force someone to see their child if they don't want to. But as an onlooker, with no power in the situation, it's very difficult not to get angry on the child's behalf, on your own behalf, on your DP's behalf, and sometimes that anger gets misplaced.

Birdsgottafly · 02/09/2018 11:59

At other times does he resent the days being organised around her?

He's decided to get into a mood with the two people who could do nothing about the situation.

How long have you been together and how is he at other times? Do you have the same attitude to Parenting etc?

I'd personally be rethinking things.

Iamtheoneandonly2018 · 02/09/2018 15:27

This is a rare occurrence for him to be moody.

He did ring and apologize. Came back ( we don't live together), and took us ( with DSS ) out for a meal and then to the Park.

OP posts:
Iamtheoneandonly2018 · 02/09/2018 15:28

I'm also coming off anti D's and wondering if that has made an impact on how I'm feeling about the situation.

OP posts:
IWishIHadEvenMorePlasticTat · 02/09/2018 15:42

This is a rare occurrence for him to be moody.
He did ring and apologize. Came back ( we don't live together), and took us ( with DSS ) out for a meal and then to the Park.

I'd give him the benefit of the doubt this time then. I know he has a 14 year old but that's a world away from having a four year old. I doubt he can remember what parenting a pre-schooler is like.

I'm not trying to be an apologist for shitty male behaviour, but to be in his position is so, so hard sometimes. I think some slack is needed if this is an unusual occurrence.

And, this is not at all a suggestion to put your relationship before your child. But to anyone in your situation I'd say make sure that your partner knows they're a priority in your life too.

MiddleClassProblem · 02/09/2018 15:52

I’d give him the benefit of the doubt then too given all that has been said since my last post.

An honest apology goes a long way in my book.

LemonysSnicket · 02/09/2018 15:55

You have a 4yo DD... it he can't handle helping to raise her and her not being his child then he's not for you. She is tiny and will be with her mum most of the time for the next 14 years... he needs to get used to that fast

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