... to wonder about things we do for sake of DH/DP in relationships

[Xmaspost]

I've been following the "red flags" thread in "relationships". It's very interesting, and well worth reading. It's something I'll keep in mind as our kids are reaching that age.

On the other side of this coin, I was also reflecting on things that we do with partners that we don't necessarily want or like ourselves, but we do it because we know DP/DH does.

Thinking about it I began to feel a little guilty.

• Live in very rural area through my choice (DH as significant commute as a result, he prefers closer to town/facilities)

• House with large garden/grounds through my choice (due to injury a few years ago I can't help much with this, DH has to look after it, generally can't afford to hire help)

• Live in England in general area where I grew up (he'd love to live back home in Wales)

• We usually go on "activity" holidays with hiking/walking (he'd prefer to take it easy at a resort)

• Myself and DD are vegetarian, no meat him house for DH or DS

Of course it's not all one sided ... but to make up I think I'll bring him a cuppa in bed right now :)

And your point is?

What compromises have you made for him?

We all make - or should make - compromises for the one we love. But if one party is much more domineering and exerts control over the relationship, that's where problems lie.

Although both DF and DFiL used to say 'a happy wife, is a happy life' . Women largely still run the home and make the choices, so if she's happy, the family is happy. Most men recognise this.

Due to an injury you can't help with the large garden but all of your holidays are activity holidays?? That doesn't make sense op. Surely if you can go on activity holidays you can cut the grass etc.

Of course all relationships should be give and take. It becomes toxic when one person is taking more than they give and the other starts to feel taken for granted.

I dont think it is always about making equal compromises. It just matters that both parties are generally happy with things and no one is miserable! It doesnt always have to be exactly fair in terms of who decided what... people will have different things that are very important to them and some things that they dont really care about too much and are willing to let go.
Just because you have instigated many things or have 'chosen' things does not always mean that has been at the expense of what your partner has wanted... I mean is he happy with where you live or does he complain? When you say 'he would have preferred' do you mean thats just something hes casually said one time or is it an actual issue?
I take from your post that he is generally happy its just not what he would have chosen if left down to him?

He cannot eat meat in his own house because you are a vegetarian. I must inform you if this was a reverse everybody would be telling you that it was controlling and to LTB. It seriously damaged the relationship between my SIL and her DH that she wasn't that interested in eating meat and found it to be unfair that he should get to eat "so expensive food". In general she found no need to have food in the house that only he liked. They are divorced now. There were other factors as well, but why cause resentment, when there is no need for it? Would it kill you if he had a couple of salamis in a cupboard and there was some bacon in the fridge?

My DH definitely makes more sacrifices/does more for me than I do for him.

If I posted our home situation and the roles were reversed I think people would say my DH wasn’t pulling his weight

He must feel like a second class citizen. You win on all counts.

It doesn’t sound great for him OP. Might be worth outlining what you do that makes him happy. Sounds a bit your way or the high way.

Also, isn’t your post a contradiction of your title? These are things he puts up with for you, not things you do for him.

What does he get out of it?
It’s all about give and take. We live near my family and friends for my convenience, but that means I am happy for him to go off for weekends visiting his friends as he doesn’t get to see them day to day. His family live abroad so it means I generally sacrifice our family holiday as we go and visit them instead. If it was all one sided I’d expect him to soon get pissed off!

No meat in the house why?

Is it because he can't be arsed to buy it and cook it for him and your DS?

I certainly have had my preferences with respect to where we live, that's for sure! Logistically it turned out to be a nightmare for us since since my accident (mangled right hand, surgeries, infections, unable to drive for almost a year, working in tech area with effectively one hand was huge problem) ... but feeling increasingly hopeful with recent progress.

It's not all one sided, far from it. I think the house/location thing was primarily on my mind while posting.

I wouldn't be happy if my dh wasn't happy with where we lived. The compromise would be finding a solution in which both parties are happy.

I moved to DH's country. He didn't ask me to but I knew that's what he wanted. For his part, he agreed to kids and eventually marriage. Had we not met I suspect none of the above would have happened, but we're both happy with our choices.

He cannot eat meat in his own house because you are a vegetarian. I must inform you if this was a reverse everybody would be telling you that it was controlling and to LTB.

This. Maybe he is one of those people who just nods and says yes to everything for an easier life? Not attractive at all.

Why can't your dh and ds eat meat?

I think you're right to feel guilty, OP. What are you going to do about it, now that you've made a cup of tea?

If he can't eat meat because the OP won't allow it in the house, that's wrong.

If he 'can't' eat meat because he never shops or cooks for himself and only eats whatever the OP provides, then he can always go out and buy meat and cook it himself.