To use cry it out?

[Londonlife85]

I feel like giving up, my 11 month old won't sleep (cosleeping atm), im due to go back to work this month and honestly dont think i can cope, im getting to the point that i just want to leave. She wakes up multiple times in the night and i feel like a zombie in the day because i havent slept all night. Can any of you give me tips for getting her in her own bed in her room, i know shes capable of sleeping through as very(!) rarely she will decide to sleep 10 hours. I just want to reassured that it worked for people, i think DP will be doing most of it as i just cant stand hearing her cry

Tbh I always let ds settle himself. I always allowed him 10 minutes once I'd put him down. During that time he sometimes cried, but if there was nothing else wrong he would settle down within that time. If he didn't, we knew there was something else wrong.
He sell settled from when he was born. It made life so much easier. I don't see anything wrong with letting a baby settle them self to sleep.

Sympathies for your lack of sleep - it’s super hard! Everything is a phase and you will get more sleep at some point.

We did very gentle CC at 9 months in preparation for going back to work. She was in the habit of waking lots of time in the night and wanted to be fed- for comfort or just to hang out!

Me and my other half started just holding her, then sitting with hand on her by the cot, then leaving her in the room for a few seconds at a time, minutes at a time. It took a good few weeks and we had to be very consistent. I would never leave her distressed screaming on her own for ages - that didn’t feel right. But we started to get a sense of when she was just grumbling vs being seriously upset.

At 18 months have a child who is happy to go to bed - delighted to go for naps and goes and gets her sleeping bag and pretends to lie under it at bedtime. Sometimes wakes in the night, grumbles a bit, turns around and goes right back to sleep. Confident, happy, loving and nothing to suggest she was distressed by the experience. Plus me and my partner are rested, able to work, with enough energy to enjoy her and each other.

Good luck with whatever you decide, it’s a difficult topic!

Completely disagree that it’s teaching them ‘mummy doesn’t care’.

‘Mummy’ cares every minute of the day. Using emotional wording like this is unhelpful.

Also be wary of ‘parenting science’ sites on this topic! There is very little evidence based research in this area, and what there is suggests your kid will be totally fine either way, but plenty of emotive arguments. I’m always wary of anything that says it’s possible to permanently damage your child with one relatively small decision about parenting style.

@Londonlife85 you have my sympathy op sleep deprivation is horrific.

We used the controlled crying technique and it was the best decision we made. Lots of crying on the first night, drastically less on the second night and no crying at all third night. We used the jo frost (aka super nanny) technique. If you google it all the info is on her website. It worked amazingly, little one is still a consistently great sleeper now after doing this. Good luck!

@Sandstormbrewing

I agree. I didn’t have this problem as I did a “lighter” version of Gina Ford (which, contrary to popular belief does not involve crying it out) from 5/6 weeks so they didn’t develop bad sleep habits.

I had to do it for my own sanity and both mine thrives on routine (they were bottle fed though - I know breast feeding is different)

She won’t remember it at all and it means you’ll all be well rested which I find makes me better and more patient.

Not one you’ll find in baby books, but...

Can you get into the cot? Ours is one that converts to a toddler bed, so pretty sturdy. While I can’t lie full length in it, it’s ok!

I put my 14 month old into it (and his own room) at 6 months as we were just waking each other up. I used to feed him to sleep and do all night feeds in the cot, then wait for him to fall asleep before getting out. It worked really well for us, though obviously won’t be practical for everybody.

He’s now 14 months, no longer feeds to sleep and is really easy to put down. He does wake up once at the moment, but did go through a glorious phase of sleeping through completely.

I wouldn't do cc or cio and yes I have had a non sleeping child. It was pretty horrendous, and I was also back at work at 9 months . What worked very well for us was gradual withdrawal. I started it around 12 months, having delayed starting being convinced it wouldn't work. I took a long time about it, but we had no crying and my baby learnt to go to sleep happily by himself, and this really improved his self settling in the night. If you'd like more detail of what I did pm me.

To add, he was sleeping through in his own cot by 15 months. So yes it was slow, I could have done it quicker I think. He's 3 now and has slept through ever since

Not something I would ever do. My 17 month old woke up 4 times last night before getting up for the day at 6. This isn't unusual for her. Work is really difficult but I still wouldn't do it.

But at the end of the day different things work for different people. If what you're doing right now isn't working for you, change it. Lots of people I know claim to have great success with controlled crying. It's something that people are always going to have conflicting views on. Do what you feel is right for your family

I did CC and it saved our sanity. DS was at a point where he just didn't know how to get off to sleep and would just cry and cry. Cry in his bed, cry in our arms, no matter what we did there were tears. The first night was the hardest and it dragged on for three days in total but then he just started drifting off by himself within minutes of being put into bed. He still woke for milk which obviously we continued but there was no longer a battle to get him back to sleep after feeds, he'd just settle himself. Far less tears and distress in the long run. He's five now and has slept like an angel ever since

You know what LondonLife? Just do whatever gets you through

If you're not breastfeeding (or did I misread?) Couldn't you do alternating nights with your DP so you'd get a full night every second day?

Only you know whether cc is right for you.

Good luck!

I wouldn't do it and didn't do it (none of my babies slept through when I returned to work, I remember the exhaustion that came with combining being back at work and dealing with reverse cycling night waking babies, so I do know how it feels). If you think it's what you need to do, that's your choice and there are many people who support such practices and can advise and support you.

You don't need universal agreement with every parenting decision you make. Do I think using CIO/ CC is BU? Yes. Does the fact that I think that mean you shouldn't do it? No. Your family, your choices, your right to make them.

It is horrible hearing them cry. Really horrible. But then it's soooooo nice when after a couple of nights you get your bed and evenings back.

There is research saying it causes attachment issues but there is also plenty of research saying it's fine, so there is no unanimous scientific acceptance of either outcome.

We have done it with both ours but slightly gentler methods (eg disappearing chair technique for one so we were right next to them for 6 nights just a bit further away each night, and controlled crying with picking up etc with the other).

Please just bear in mind when people say that you child is learning if they cry that you won't respond - children aren't stupid. Unless they're tiny babies they known bed is for sleeping. What they are learning is that you won't respond if they just want to chat and play and stay up and not sleep. I think when they are really tiny they genuinely need lots of cuddles in the night but when they are older they just want it. It can become a habit and a want rather than a need. They also need a good night's sleep! And while some babies do this themselves some do need to learn.

Sorry this is a bit rambley. I'm trying to say there is a massive difference between leaving a newborn to scream all night or leaving a child to get so distressed to the point of vomiting etc and leaving a much older baby to cry for a few minutes. And sleeping is only part of the interaction with parents - if they are warm and reassuring the rest of the time and responsive and affectionate in the day I don't see how not responding at night will affect the relationship (as after a few days they will likely be asleep all night anyway - its not like they are lying awake silently for hours wanting to cry but thinking it's pointleas! )

Mine will still cry and get a cuddle if they can't sleep or have a nightmare or bang their head on the bed or something - they will cry til we respond if they are genuinely upset or ill and sometimes come in bed with us. So I personally haven't seen evidence that they've learnt that 'there is no point in crying'

I agree with getting your partner to do a lot of the training if you have been the main caregiver as this has worked well for me and people I know (I would have been more likely to crack and the baby would want feeding with me)

I guess it depends on what and partner want and how much you prioritise own space and evenings. And how tired you are and what type of job and commute you have

Good luck anyway

I agree. I didn’t have this problem as I did a “lighter” version of Gina Ford (which, contrary to popular belief does not involve crying it out) from 5/6 weeks so they didn’t develop bad sleep habits.
Same here. Although that doesn’t help the OP. In her situation I would do CC without hesitation. And alternate with your DP overnight (you do one night, he does the next) so you get some much needed rest. Hope you get it sorted OP, there’s a reason why sleep deprivation is considered a form of torture.

We did CC and honestly it was one of the best parenting decisions I ever made.

This is true of us too. It was extremely effective and we now have a brilliant little sleeper and a rested, happy family.

If any one wants to post some rigorous, peer reviewed research that demonstrates its harm then I'd be interested to read it. Given most of my generation were sleep trained I'm not too worried.

OP, one thing I would say is that different sleep training techniques work for different babies. We started with more gentle techniques and they only made matters worse, but lots of mums I know have had success with them. You don't have to go straight into CC if you don't want to.

@TroubledLichen, I know that doesn’t help OP. I just meant to demonstrate there’s a lot of controversy about doing that too. But sometimes you have to do what’s right for the entire family as a whole.

And alternate with your DP overnight (you do one night, he does the next) so you get some much needed rest. Hope you get it sorted OP, there’s a reason why sleep deprivation is considered a form of torture.

Yes. Alternating nights seems like the first step to me.

Sleep deprivation has an incredible effect on psyche and well-being...

Hello! Just my personal view. You do whatever best for you and yours.

Going from co sleeping to controlled crying is quite a big jump. You could try getting bub in her (?) own room first, and settling in her cot, with as little 'help' from you as you can get away with. Thinking things like 'shush pat', keeping a hand on her or staying with her, but keeping her in her cot. You might find that once she's able to settle in her own cot, you never have to do controlled crying. Or if you do, it's less bad.

I've done controlled crying with both of mine after 'gentler' options failed, and it's not nice. No one wants to here their baby cry. We're better off for it now and I don't regret it, but if you can avoid it or minimise it then I'd say, do.

Maybe try introducing a comforter, it's a good age to do this. Sleep with it down your own top for a few days so it smells of you. Then keep giving her the comforter when you're settling her in her cot.

Good luck!

I recently went back to work, my 12 month old still wakes multiple times a night. Arrive 11 months we transitioned her to sleeping in her cot initially with co sleeping from the first wake. That's helped a bit as she is doing longer stretches at the start of the night so if I go to bed early I get the chance of a four hour stretch and her dad will try to settle if she wakes before 12. I'm a strong believer that sleep is developmental and for me techniques that involves withholding comfort even if only for defined periods is not really teaching a baby to sleep it's teaching them that the parent won't provide comfort at that time. Sympathy though, it's really tough. But going back to work is energising in itself and you get the commute to yourself which is nice. No cry sleep solution (book) or the beyond sleep training project Facebook group are really helpful for gentle suggestions. Good luck

Agree completely Jim

I had to do cc but I see it more as controlled whinging. There's a def difference if my boy ( ds2) was proper crying I would go pick up and calm down. However if he wasn't crying crying more I'm pissed off youve gone but I know im ok. He would whine 10 mins max b4 falling asleep, I found he took up to 2 bottles over a few hours of milk. He was using it as a comfort but he only woke up once more and now at 2 y he has a full
Bottle before bed ( after dinner etc) still a little no don't go ( even after lots of cuddles) he is asleep within 5 min

CIO? Have you ANY idea of the affect it can have on a babies brain? I wouldn't do CC ever again having inflicted it on my first but can see why others do, but leaving a child with no comfort or human contact at all is cruel.

I would agree that going from co sleeping to controlled crying is a big step. Your baby needs to get used to being in the cot on her own first. Does she sleep in there for naps? I'd work on settling her and leaving her in her cot first.

I did shush pat/pick up put down with my son, which worked after a few nights. I did the same with my daughter, but the shush patting seemed to enrage her more than calm her, so it ended up being a pick up put down, leg it out the room mixture. It still worked. It took her longer to sleep through, even now her sleep is lighter and she wakes more than my son. All children are different, so you may need to adapt what you do to your child's personality.

I'm definitely a better a parent now I get sleep and they are happier children who are easier to parent because they sleep well. Benefits the whole family.