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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to know if DH cheated on me 12 years ago?

24 replies

onceup · 02/09/2018 07:35

Before we were married, DH went to the States for a friends wedding for 2 weeks on his own. When he got home I saw an email from someone that suggested he had cheated. I confronted him at the time but he denied it and me being young and naive (and probably scared to know the truth) believed him and swept it under the rug to forget about and we've never spoken about it again.
Yet 12 years later I occasionally get that niggle that he was lying and want to ask him about it again. Part of me wants to know, the other part thinks what will it achieve as it was so long ago and we were very young?
What would you do?

OP posts:

AdoreTheBeach · 02/09/2018 07:45

I may be the odd one out here but if it were 12 years ago and there had never been a hint of anything thereafter, I’d leave it. Twelve years is a long time to show up anything as regards any infidelity and a long time to prove himself being committed to you/your relationship.

Liskee · 02/09/2018 07:48

No I agree @AdoreTheBeach. Leave it and be happy.

user1471517900 · 02/09/2018 07:48

You say you want to "know". But clearly you think he has done it. If he says he didn't will you actually believe him.

MissusGeneHunt · 02/09/2018 07:48

I think I'm the same as @AdoreTheBeach. So much time has passed, and hopefully he has grown into a good person. I do understand but I think it's just not worth the emotional harm that could arise.

PurpleFlower1983 · 02/09/2018 07:54

You confronting him probably scared him into never doing it again. I would leave it after all this time and assume he has grown up, more decisive action needed to be taken at the time if you were going to leave him unless it’s still a dealbreaker for you.

fixingabrokenhesrt · 02/09/2018 07:57

What would finding out now achieve?

Nutkins24 · 02/09/2018 07:59

I’d leave it. It really can’t be that important to you if you’ve gone 12 years without worrying about it. It sounds like totally unnecessary drama.

Xiaoxiong · 02/09/2018 08:12

If not a hint of anything since I definitely wouldn't. As long as that dog is still sleeping, let it lie. He might have cheated and it might have made him realise you were the one for him and disgusted himself with what he'd done and resolved never to do it again, ever. It sounds like once you got married and he committed to you he has never given you cause to worry - so bringing this up now would be you causing new problems, not solving old ones.

Original poster

onceup · 02/09/2018 08:15

To be completely honest, I don't think it would achieve anything to know and I have no reason to think he has cheated since.
I think I'm more annoyed at my younger self for being a bit of a pushover at the time but I guess that's all part of growing up and becoming stronger and wiser and would obviously handle it very differently if it was something I had to deal with now.

OP posts:

KERALA1 · 02/09/2018 08:19

So you wish you'd dumped him there and then and regret your 12 year marriage? That's sad

Original poster

onceup · 02/09/2018 08:23

KERALA1 That's not what I said at all.

OP posts:

deepsea · 02/09/2018 08:25

I wouldn't be able to rest not knowing the truth, and it would niggle me endlessly. I would raise it again, but prepared for the truth and know what you would do if he admitted to an affair. Be sure in your own mind what course of action you would take if any. If you have this clear, and you wish to discuss it with him.

I don't like secrets in my marriage, anything that was bothering me I would want to discuss with my dh. Especially if was making me unhappy.

You need to go into the discussion with your eyes wide open if you do it.

What do you think your 90 year old self would say to you now?

Freshstart19 · 02/09/2018 08:26

I don't actually know about this one.
On one hand I'd want to know,
But on the other...

I think it would niggle me like it has you. I don't think anyone can say it wouldn't.

Maybe have a chat and say, I need to know in order to move forward. But then again he still may not tell you.

What do you want to happen?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 02/09/2018 08:28

What did the email say?

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 02/09/2018 08:28

Let sleeping dogs lie ... if you are happy, it truly isn't worth mentioning.

cmlover · 02/09/2018 08:29

tbf that's what it sounded like.

your anoyedbyour younger self self didn't dump him.... therefor you wouldn't of got married..

birdonawire1 · 02/09/2018 08:29

Even if he told you he had it would only make you feel worse and possibly cause a problem in an otherwise happy marriage? If he had he may just lie to you again (?) and would that help with trust issues? What would knowing the truth achieve? Or are you just looking for reassurance? Isn’t 12 years of solid marriage reassurance enough?

Let sleeping dogs lie and remember curiosity killed the cat!

Original poster

onceup · 02/09/2018 08:33

Wise words birdonawire1

OP posts:

Xmaspost · 02/09/2018 08:39

Op, going against the tide here (but that’s me), if something like that was bothering me, playing on my mind, then I’d certainly ask about it and talk about it with DH.

Talking, understanding, filling in gaps is an important part resolving things and putting them behind us.

Talking alone might help.

Only DH can tell you the truth of course. He should. Relationships should be based on truth, honesty, etc. Some truths are uncomfortable, but better to know and live with them, as opposed to living in a fairytale.

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 02/09/2018 08:40

I honestly don't think I'd want to know. If there's never been anything to concern you since, I think I'd say leave it alone.

LyndorCake · 02/09/2018 08:48

What would happen if you found out he did cheat? Would you leave him? You'd probably not trust him anymore which isn't fair seeingshow he is proved himself to you for 12 years.
I also think, if it was settled at the time, it's not fair to drudge stuff back up 12 years later for no reason

Guavaf1sh · 02/09/2018 08:55

Agree with everyone else - don’t bring it up

Petalflowers · 02/09/2018 08:55

I agree with Adore in the first post. If he is been a good husband, then let sleeping dogs lie.

Also, you received one email from a random stranger (?). What did they say? How did he allegedly cheat? Was it a drunken kiss, or more? I think bringing it up now will cause too much trouble.

MeganBacon · 02/09/2018 09:01

If asked, I think your (now trustworthy) dh would say "who"? and then simply deny. Why would he burden you with the truth at this point when it's become so irrelevant, and knowing that it's stayed hidden for 12 years so there could never be proof. So you're not going to know, ever, I suspect.

Basically though, let it go - the 12 intervening years are more important. You can have a separate conversation with him about how you have grown into a separate person who would not let something like that lie if faced with fresh evidence.

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