I need to let this out but I’m BU

[ILoveHumanity]

Tonight I feel I had a revelation,

It’s about mil and my wedding.

I was daft and led to believe mil loved me. My wedding plans were going very well while she was abroad but when she arrived she made a sudden announcement that in her “culture” the bride and groom don’t see each other the week leading up to the wedding. ( I’m from a different ethnicity but similar culture). I never heard of such thing.

She also convinced DH that he shouldn’t contact me and that this works well at making him “miss me” and that it makes our meeting on the wedding day seem meaningful.

I didn’t like the idea because we had so much plans that we needed to tweak last minute including the cake and catering and my dress... but I thought I’d give in for the sake of respecting her traditions- which I later found to be non existant.

It’s been three years and I never gave it any thought - aside from feeling like an idiot for not being able to be involved in the last few arrangements in my own wedding ... and DH took it upon himself. This resulted in her changing everything about my wedding to suit her , catering and music and decoration..... I gave my DH the go ahead because at the time I felt I didn’t want to lose her love and I thought thats her culture ...

But now after I know her.. her manipulation and how she created lies and stories to get what she wants ... I really believe she created a lie about having to not to see each other for a week just so that she can have a final say and exclude me... in what goes on in my wedding.

Also... she pretended she desperately needed our wedding gift money that we collected ... she pretended she needed it as a quick loan and my husband gave it to her and it turned out she couldn’t return it for two years later ... meaning we didn’t go on honeymoon.. later on to find out she just didn’t want us to go on honeymoon and she had more money than I could ever dream to have in her bank account and didn’t need ours..

We were never able to go on holiday ever since .. that how I finally clocked in stupidly that it was nothing to do with culture ...

I feel so stupid for trying to fit in so badly, as I come from a broken home and her pretending to love me meant so much to me that I behaved like a dumb stupid girl letting her take me for a ride .... in fact I was so desperate for her to keep on treating me like a “lovely daughter” that I used to convince my husband to give in to her and that she is his mother and no one cares for him more than her and me and that he should put her ahead of himself and so on.

I feel so stupid.. I was naive and desperate for fitting into the family.

AIBu to be so bitter about it.. I just realised this 3 years later after her behaviour made me question all her claims of how much she loves me..

YANBU at all.

The question now is what do you do.

Have you got your money back? Had your special holiday?

Talk to your husband and made sure your MIL does not have any form of control over your finances, your home or any kids you have.

I'd use the knowledge you now have to insulate yourself and your husband against her influences.

Sorry, it sounds shit but move on, and protect yourself and your husband.

Thanks Italian ,

I guess what I mean is, maybe I’m being unreasonable to let my current understanding of her actions repaint the past for me

I’d lke to open the topic with DH without sounding crazy and unreasonable. I think he will be confused.

But i think I would reach some form of closure if I can get him to acknowledge that I was wronged.. Is that unreasonable ?

Mainly because he seems to be sitting on the fence and the more he does the more I’m finding out about mil

"I guess what I mean is, maybe I’m being unreasonable to let my current understanding of her actions repaint the past for me"

No you are not. If she lied to you in order to take over, she is a bitch, and you cannot ignore that. You can just use that info to not allow her to gain control over your marriage, home, finances or any kids.

"I think he will be confused." See what he remembers about what your MIL said, and then weigh that against the truth, it should be easy to see that this is not a real tradition and also if she has loads of money why did you give her money? Because she lied.

"But i think I would reach some form of closure if I can get him to acknowledge that I was wronged.. Is that unreasonable ?"

No it is not wrong, but before you go in all guns blazing see what he remembers/thinks, he will probably be defensive of his mum if he realizes what you are saying/suggesting. So get the real deal of what he thinks from him before talking about it IMHO.

"Mainly because he seems to be sitting on the fence and the more he does the more I’m finding out about mil" What does that mean?

I’m rather upset about it all :(. I don’t know why it’s getting to me.

I wish I could get my husband to see her for who she is.

I feel it is bad to rewrite history but in cases where you were manipulated by someone, perhaps the only way to understand history is to fill in the gaps . Now I filled in the gaps and I feel absolutely rubbish..

I feel upset with myself that I didn’t trust my gut instinct when I felt something was wrong.

I feel upset that I didn’t have much support from my broken family and that I needed my mil approval so much as a result of my own vulnerability..

I feel upset that my husband Looks up to his financially successful mother who is a toxic human being.

I feel upset that I allowed her to mound me into becoming her own toy ... either my own will.. while all I gave her was love.

I feel proper violated .

Thanks italy, you are right about everything you said. I just hope I have the strength to put it in practice...

I feel it’s affecting my relationship with my husband because he loves her... I feel he needs to stop being manipulated.

We haven’t been on a honeymoon btw. It was ruined completely

I'm guessing Pakistani/Indian?
Maintain distance with her is my onky tip. She will no doubt repeat this behaviour with any kids you may choose to have/other family arrangements

She sounds awful and YANBU.

By the way, ‘culture’ is not an excuse for poor or rude behaviour. In future do not let people fob you off by telling you something is their culture, if it doesn’t seem right then question it.