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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

is there equity in my marriage?

31 replies

Sootsprite2612 · 01/09/2018 22:41

Background - 26, been together 10 years and married for four to a truly wonderful, kind and considerate man. My childhood and early adulthood was abusive and he has done so much to help rectify my skewed views on relationships and is generally just amazing... except when it comes to housework. No kids and live in a large 2 bed flat.

Both work FT Monday to Friday and get home around the same time. When we get in, he plonks himself on the sofa and I start cleaning, cooking tea and tidying up. He is very appreciative but cleaning up genuinely doesn't occur to him. We have been living together for 7 years and not once has he ever deep cleaned the bathroom or kitchen unless I've specifically asked him.

His job is very very difficult (intelligence governmental work) and so I think he needs time to settle when we get in but AIBU to get really bugged that he can sit in mess?

It's the only thing we argue about. When I ring it up he just says that most of the mess is mine, which I agree - he is naturally more tidy than I am, however we both contribute to the dirt! It's the cleaning that bothers me more than tidying.

The only thing he does is take the bins out once per week and even then he needs my help to hold the bin while he pulls out the bagSad and disinfect the bin afterwards.

In his defence, he does all the driving as I can't, and has given me an incredible amount of emotional support especially during a recent breakdown I had where I had to take 6 months off.

AIBU to expect a 30 yr old man to notice the house is dirty and do something about it?!?! Feel like I spend every day cleaning and I can never catch up!

OP posts:
Original poster
Sootsprite2612 · 01/09/2018 22:42

Oops it should say equality!!!Blush

OP posts:
PavlovaFaith · 01/09/2018 22:43

Perhaps if you kept your things tidy he would notice when the house needs cleaning? I wouldn't clean around someone's stuff. It's pointless.

TwoOddSocks · 01/09/2018 22:44

Could you not agree on a fair division of labour then leave him to do it in his own time? I would hate to start cleaning the second I got home from work! If you're messier you should be in charge of picking up the mess. If he drives that should be taken into account. Maybe he can do the washing up as that doesn't need to be done as soon as you arrive home. He could also do some specific jobs that he knows he's responsible for at the weekend (since you say he's knackered after work).

iamkahleesi · 01/09/2018 22:46

Get a cleaner

Outnotdown · 01/09/2018 22:46

Yanbu. Make a list of chores and divide it between you. Make some effort to be tidier to show good will. But he needs to pull his weight.

LizzieMacQueen · 01/09/2018 22:50

Both working FT? Your house can't get that dirty surely.

Get a cleaner in and take turns cooking at night.

In the meantime go on strike.

Original poster
Sootsprite2612 · 01/09/2018 22:57

I am a bit of a clean freak to be honest even though I'm messy (they're two different things to me!)

The reason things need cleaning so much is because we have a cat who sheds a fair bit and also because our flat is pre Victorian with 17 foot ceilings and constantly needs dusting/wiping down.

I genuinely don't think a cleaner should be necessary! As pp said there's not that much to do, it's just that it's not divided. If he even just took responsibility for keeping one room clean and tidy then that would be fine but I just feel like he's got tunnel vision.

He will go into the kitchen to do the dishes and will do them, but not check around the kitchen first - if it's not in the washing up bowl it doesn't get done.

I like doing all the cooking to be fair as if it were down to him we'd have koka noodles and frozen chips every dayGrin

OP posts:
Margaurette · 01/09/2018 23:03

It depends - if things need cleaning, he should do as much as you.

If you like things to be unnecessarily spotless, then that's for you to deal with.

My house was built in 1810 and we have a very hairy cat, but it doesn't need that much cleaning. I certainly sit down after work!

BackforGood · 01/09/2018 23:27

It does sound as if you are doing far more cleaning than needs doing.
If there are 2 of you and you both WOTH FT, then a flat can't be getting that dirty.
Also, most people don't want to walk in from work and start on housework.
Your options are either having a talk about how you feel things aren't really fairly divided at the moment, so how about you both have a blitz together either putting aside one evening a week or a couple of hours at the weekend, and then it is all done,
or
You both have specific jobs (say you do the kitchen and he does the bathroom or whatever) that are yours, and it is up to each of you when you clean them.

Your way (of getting in and getting on) is one way, but no more 'right' than his way of getting in and relaxing.
There is no need to be constantly dusting and vac'ing and polishing.

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 01/09/2018 23:42

No way would I come home from work and immediately start cleaning my house. I get a bit of downtime on my commute but I need some "relax" time when I get home just to switch off from work mode.

Also who disinfects a bin every time the bag is taken out...it's had a bag in it and it's going to get another bag in it, it can't be that dirty. Even our food waste bin doesn't get cleaned out every time we empty it.

I think you need to be clear about what NEEDS done and what you WANT done. The need list should be split equally but if you want more than that done then that's your preference, not his.

Also, why have a pet that sheds hair everywhere if you are so bothered about cleanliness?

Singlenotsingle · 01/09/2018 23:44

Get a cleaner

waterandlemonjuice · 01/09/2018 23:58

YANBU
Don't have kids with him unless he pulls his weight
You are being a servant

BackforGood · 02/09/2018 00:01

Agree with everything TheMobileSite said about sorting the difference between what needs doing and what you are choosing to do extra though.

IStillDrinkCava · 02/09/2018 00:02

As others have said, you're right, it's not equal, but if one person has much higher standards than the other, you need to meet in the middle. We both flop on a Friday night, and I think this is fine and normal. I also think it's normal to be able to watch TV in a non-pristine house.

On the other hand it does sound like he leaves it all to you. Grownups should know bathrooms need cleaning, vacuuming & dusting needs doing at regular intervals etc. Not daily, but surely he can get onboard with weekly or fortnightly? If he's as lovely as you say, he shouldn't have a problem with getting involved in a weekly routine.

A couple of suggestions that we've used in the past. 1) write a list of all the housework you do, and use DH to discuss firstly what can be dropped, and then to assign the remainder. Eg windows don't need to be cleaned weekly but bathrooms do. DH will have more insight into what's OTT than you do, but you'll both have to compromise. 2) then DH is assigned some jobs from that. Mine took on kitchen tidying because it's a big daily job that doesn't take much head-space but saves me a lot of time. 3) identify time slots that suit you both to do the housework. Fri night sounds hideous to me. Maybe he does his jobs on Sat morning.

Tinkety · 02/09/2018 00:10

He will go into the kitchen to do the dishes and will do them, but not check around the kitchen first - if it's not in the washing up bowl it doesn't get done

Hmm it depends what’s left around the kitchen though doesn’t it, if it’s a pot that’s left on the cooker because it won’t fit in the washing bowl then of course he should do it but if it’s your breakfast bowl or coffee mug that you’ve left on the table & not bothered to put in the washing bowl then I wouldn’t do it either.

I’m happy to do housework but I won’t pick up after someone if that makes sense, for example, I’ll happily do the laundry in the hamper but whatever’s lying on the floor gets left there.

TheClitterati · 02/09/2018 01:20

He thinks cleaning is your job op. It's beneath him, but a suitable role for someone with a vagina.

You are suffering from some classic old school sexist bullshit I'm afraid.

Disquieted1 · 02/09/2018 01:24

^
Crap.

He doesn't sound like a bad bloke. Just sit him down and discuss the share of chores as adults.
He sounds amenable.

maxelly · 02/09/2018 01:33

Yup think you need to agree a fair division of labour. My DH also feels much tired and needs more chill-out time than me in the week (we both work full time in similar jobs but this is just how he is). It's not wrong per se to feel tired after a day at work and not want to cook/clean but it's not fair for you to do everything either.

We split cooking 50/50 in our household and have a short list of tasks we agree need to be done every day (dishwasher un/loaded and put on, washing folded and put away, plants watered, pets looked after, quick sweep up of any spills and tidy of living room) then a longer list that waits for the weekend when we have a blitz and spend about 2-3 hours cleaning the house and also do any DIY or gardening jobs that are needed.

There are a few things I would change if it was purely up to me, e.g. he relies far more on convenience and processed foods for his share of the cooking than I do, and I would probably put more on the 'daily' cleaning list and possibly spend longer at the weekend as the house is frequently slightly dirtier than I'd like. But then DH would probably say the opposite and that in his opinion we spend too much time cleaning and not enough relaxing. So compromise is key!

trixiebelden77 · 02/09/2018 01:33

Amazing how many men have very very difficult jobs.

I only keep desperately ill children alive for a living.

smellsofelderberries · 02/09/2018 02:24

DH and I solved 95% of our arguments we had after we moved in together by getting a cleaner. £30 a fortnight and was worth every penny.

BarbarianMum · 02/09/2018 05:09

Does he have learning disabilities? No? In which case this is not about him "not thinking" about tidying/cleaning or "not noticing" that tidying/cleaning needs to be done or (barring some kind of visual problem) not being able to see what needs doing.

This is a man who thinks cleaning/tidying is a woman's job. Same old. Same old.

Fredkites · 02/09/2018 08:11

Tinkety you wouldn't pick up bowls that are on the table? Do you hsve children? Can't see how this 'you do exactly yours I'll do exactly mine' could work in a partnership, or a family, or anything other than a flatshare with strangers.

Fredkites · 02/09/2018 08:13

Trixie Grin Ah but your vagina magically remembers to clean the bathroom while the rest of you is a top medical professional.

CherryPavlova · 02/09/2018 08:28

In fairness my husband does far more chores than me. He’s a much higher earner, works very long hours but when he’s home he can’t relax until he’s done some cleaning or tidying.
We do have cleaners and that does reduce tensions around cleaning when we’re both tired/ prefer to do something else.
Why would he need help washing bin out? My husband does that on his own with a hose pipe.
Come up with an agreement about who does what - although maybe you are seeing cleaning needs where there are none.

KataraJean · 02/09/2018 08:34

Firstly, do not have children until you have sorted this out
You say you are messier - do you have enough suitable storage for your things? Tackle that problem so that he does not have a way to deflect your requests for him to do his fair share back on you. (Which is what he is doing)

Second, I agree that there is a difference between clean and tidy but I cannot clean without things being tidy. I think if you sort your storage, then follow the advice above about list of chores to be done and splitting it, then see how that goes.

I also wonder how much of having to have your house spotlessly clean before you can relax is a response to an abusive childhood. Hence, work out what is normal levels of cleaning and what is OTT.

But I think you are right to see his laziness as a red flag, and take steps to sort it. A FT brain taxing job does not stop one cleaning a bathroom, bathroom cleaning does not involve your brain, aside from selecting the correct cleaning products and using them properly. It is also good exercise if you have been sitting all day.

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