To feel so down

[easylover]

I know this sounds so selfish but I've not said any of this to anyone I'm just off loading here.

It's been so stressful, a week before myself and my dp got married my dp had a heart attack. He came back from a bike ride with a mate and was breathless and said he had a tight chest, he quite often came back from a bike ride with this guy a bit breathless so I wasn't that worried at first and it did seem to settle down, but when it didn't go I called an ambulance and thank god I did, they whisked him in and saw he had a blocked artery so had a stent fitted. It was such a shock as he's only 48 and fit and healthy.

The hospital said he should make it to our wedding he would be very tired though, at the time I didn't care about the wedding I just wanted him to be ok, it was horrible seeing him so ill and tired 😞. But as we got closer to the wedding like 2 days before I heard him say to his brother I can't get married feeling like this. I had to just go out for a walk obviously all this was much worse for him than me but I just started thinking omg how do I postpone everything now, so much work and money had gone into it, I was so glad he was here but everything just started to get on top of me, he was obviously very snappy with me too as he felt so rubbish, all this I understood but it still felt awful having to be strong for him and the kids and his mum etc.

Anyway he made it somehow he got through the wedding day, it was emotional the fact he was there alive and he made the effort it must of been so tough for him. We cancelled the honeymoon as he wasn't fit to fly and in my heart that doesn't matter I have him right!
So why am I feeling so down, I think maybe usually he's so enthusiastic about life and he's pretty romantic too, and to see him down and know he didn't really enjoy our wedding day as much as he would normally is having an effect on me too.
Also a few weeks leading up to his heart attack he wasn't ill but wasn't himself he was more snappy and aggressive at times, I started to feel he didn't want to marry me. His dr explained he was only getting 70% of oxygen to his brain so it effects people in different ways. I just feel the whole thing has been ruined but I should just be happy and grateful he is here and made it to the wedding. Does anyone get what I'm feeling I know I sound selfish and unreasonable, I know that 😞

You’re not being selfish or unreasonable, it’s always tough when your husband is off his feet sick and you feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders and like you cant burden them with any of your worries because you want them to focus on getting better.
It’s also totally normal to doubt marriage so close to the big day as it’s a huge life commitment, so don’t beat yourself up about that.

I know it’s probably easier said than done but try and take each day one at a time and don’t be afraid to talk about your problems and worries aswell as his ❤️

I think it's very hard when you have all these expectations of what something is going to be like, especially such an emotionally charged day as your wedding. I'm very sorry for what you've been through, it must have been very stressful and traumatic. Of course it wasn't an ideal situation and it's ok to be disappointed, you missed out on your honeymoon too! I'm sure you're very thankful that your husband is ok and recovering and that you were able to get married which is the 'important bit' but you weren't planning to just 'get through'. I get it. Hopefully, you can make it up when he's recovered completely and look back on the good things. Time is a healer and I hope you can see the positives and plan some nice things to look forward to together.

YANBU there's a lot of tricky things to deal with all tangled up together there. It's going to take a bit of processing. Give yourself some time, it's ok to feel sad about it all. If you don't feel like you're able to move on from it all then perhaps some counselling would help. In the meantime, close friends to chat to about it all would probably help you to offload.

Yeh I guess that's it really, it wasn't supposed to be just something to get through and even felt I just wanted it over with so I could concentrate on getting him better. The build up was so stressful, he couldn't drive either so I did all the running around I was so tired and was also up with him in the night as he didn't feel well. One good thing was I lost half a stone that week so st least my dress did up easier lol.

I understand how you feel. My dh had a heart attack at the age of 45, 2 months before our 2nd child was born. So i was there in the hospital heavily pregnant wondering wtf am i going to do now. And he wasn’t able to help me with the newborn as he would get very tired quickly with things like carrying her or waking up at night.
We seem to have pushed through the worst, i just took every day as it came with zero expectations.
4 years on he is back to his normal self it seems so things will imropve for you too.
Im looking into sorting out our life insurances (though his is probably going to be through the roof) as the whole thing has thought me you never know what’s around the corner...

Yanbu op, that sounds really difficult and disappointing. Hopefully your husband will be back to his usual self soon and you can plan something really special to celebrate your marriage together and draw a line under this rough patch

Approachingatunnel that sounds horrendous, I don't know how you coped, but I guess you just have to. How long did it take him before he was back to normal and not so tired ?

It probably took a good year. On top of that my DH stopped taking any meds 2 months after or so as he doesnt believe in it He did quit life long smoking though which was probably a major factor. Started going to the gym. I cope by being practical and recognising i cannot change him. Hence life insurance.

Also, our relationship is a bit shit so i just kind of detach myself from it all...

Yeh that's another thing, the meds cause so many side effects I just can't imagine getting him back again.

My FIL had heart attacks at 40 and is currently recovering from major surgery. My MIL says that he changed both times but he's still the same man. Unfortunately, it can take a long time to recover. And tiredness, etc does make us all grumpy. It will have effected both of you so it can focus on working on it together it might help.

I'm just wondering if it's unfair to discuss how I'm feeling with dp. We do normally have a very open and honest relationship were communication is good, this though is different I guess ?

I think you should talk just make it clear that you're by no means blaming him, you just need to get things off your chest and that you want to work together to improve things for you both.