To not want to spend a lot more time with my mum when she retires

[woolnut]

If you’re a SAHP with retired parents, how much time do you spend with them?

I am a SAHM to three children, 8, 6 and 1. My mum has always worked in schools so we always spend a lot of time together during the school holidays. We also eat with them on Fridays so spend afterschool/evening there and usually see them for a couple of hours (or more) on Sundays.
She’s a really great grandma and will do anything for us. I love my mum and we have a nice time spending time together in the holidays, but I’m always happy for thing to go back to normal when it’s term time again.
Now she has retired and so hopes and possibly expects to be spending a lot more time with us.
I do not want this more than perhaps including her in one outing per week.
I know that she will offer to look after the toddler for me so I can ‘get things done’. I also run a small business from home so really could use the help, but honestly, I just don’t want her help. I really do not want her taking my child off on her own, for mostly petty reasons but reasons none the less, and it’s only recently that she’s looked after my older children with any regularity. I am the type of parent that keeps their babies close–I do not feel the need to have nights out or do or go places without them, being a full time parents as well has working at home is bloody hard but to be honest it is my struggle and I’m incredibly lucky to have it how it is and I don’t want to miss out on any time while my baby is so small.
I know she feels she missed out on a lot with me growing up and wants to make up for it, but I don’t want to miss out and share this time with her either, really. She has some annoying habits that really bug me after a while, she talks over me, for example, when I’m trying to talk to my children, and I just feel like I’m not able to enjoy or interact with them fully when she’s around. I don’t want to invite her to playgroups, I see that as quality one on one time and I don’t want to share it/have her take over. Yet I know it’s likely she’ll ask what we’re up to and invite herself along, am I horrible to say no and how do I say so without offending her?
We’ll still see grandma On Fridays, most weekends and A LOT during school holidays and I thought I’d maybe invite her along to one outing per week, but much more than that and she’s gonna start driving me mad and I’m going to end up resentful.

So AIBU to make up some excuse when the inevitable invitations or offers for her to babysit start, or just tell her straight that I prefer to keep things how they’ve always been and stick to our own little term time routines and activities and that I don’t really want any help or company during term time weekdays?

Can you find her something to do that is actually helpful, eg the school run? Or one morning a week to do a specific activity with the 1 yo? Difficult to say further without knowing why you’re against her spending 1 on 1 time alone with them

Gosh, I think you are spending a lot of tone with her already. Dinner every Friday, couple of hours at the weekend and after school too. That is quite a lot.

You need to have a grown up talk - what plans is she making for her retirement? Hobbies, trips, volunteering, part time work, studying? She needs to have something for herself. This is her time. Re assure her that you want to see her the same as now but she should choose to do things for her. What has she always wanted to do?

Perhaps she thinks you need the help. Tell her you don't. Don't let her replace work with you - are you the only child? Are there any siblings? How do they feel ?

She's over reliant on you under the guise of 'helping'. I could go 3 or 4 weeks between seeing my DM and she lived 15 minutes away, IMO you see her a lot! Why do you have to eat there every Friday, and why see them every Sunday? Is that every week? Set in stone? HOw often do you see your DH parents?
You may find things change as your DC get older and develop their own interests and hobbies that don't involve grandma tagging along. This will only get worse as your DM ages and you need to re-set boundaries and have an honest conversation way before.
Be warned, my PIL were like this with SIL, helping out and seeing them very frequently. Now teens there is no special grandparent bond, rather the opposite. As they never learned to back off they are seen as more of an irritation, always there, pushing in. SIL also feels massively beholden for the 'help' over the years and feels unable to relocate now PIL are much older and looking for some repayment.

I think we spend more than enough time with her already.
The Friday thing started as an occasional thing, but then became an every week occurrence, that I don't feel I can really get out of now. The children enjoy it, but I think that's at least partly because they get to watch TV and eat constantly all evening (a big reason why I try to limit spending even more time there).

I'm sure she knows that we'll carry on seeing her as we always have, but didn't know if I was being really horrible for not wanting to see even more of her, and selfish of depriving her the chance to see even more of her grandchildren, especially as we live very close to them.

My dad is also retiring in a few months so surely they can spend time doing things together, and they do have some trips planned, but she keeps dropping hints about how she won't know what to do with herself and how she's going to sit around stuffing her face with food all day if she doesn't find something to do (I am very sick of hearing that one) it's like she's just waiting for me to suggest she hang out with us all day. During the holidays I pretty much always invite her along when we go somewhere, but I enjoy getting back to the routine of term time and just spending one on one time with the baby as I did with my other two.

I feel like she needs to find her own hobbies, interests etc, we see enough of her as it is, but wondered if I was being horrible and selfish for not wanting to include her more in our daily life.

I don't doubt that she genuinely wants to help, but I've often declined help, pretty much always when it's help in the way of her offering to take one/all of the children. So she knows I can and have coped before.

DH's family live abroad so we very rarely see them.

No you’re not being selfish at all, it sounds like you see her a lot already.
Could you do some research on clubs and groups that she and/or your dad might be interested in? Gardening, WI, book club etc? If they get stuck in from the go they’ll find their social group expands and they’ll be the ones cancelling on you

Would she get a dog that she had to get home for maybe?? Or a cat if you worry she would just bring the dog along?!!

Introduce her to Mumsnet. She'll have no time for you

I think your mother should be volunteering and/or joining an organisation like the U3A. Retirement is a big transition but it should be a time to develop interests and new friendships. Perhaps take up some kind of sport or exercise if she is concerned about her health and fitness.

Why do you keep inviting her along? Just stop. You are not responsible for her 'entertainment'. Why can't you get out of the Friday night thing? Is that it now for the next 20 or 30 years?
You wouldn't be 'depriving' your DC of anything if you reduced contact a little. Your needs aren't bottom of the pile. This over involvement has backfired badly with my nephews and their grandparents, frequency of contact doesn't make for a better relationship. IME, sadly the reverse. One day one of your parents will be left alone, I think it's something we should all plan for as we get older, think ahead and adopt strategies for independant living.

Yanbu. My mum is a nightmare, and she 's under the impression that my dh is going t o get us a bigger house so she can live with us.

YANBU to not want to spend more time with her but you sound a bit precious and martyr-ish regarding 'not wanting to miss out on quality time with your dc'' when you are a SAHM. You are talking as if she is forcing you out to work and she will be taking custody of them. You said it is likely she will want to spend more time with you, but she hasn't actually said it. For all you know she might be dreading you expecting her to be more hands on! Count yourself lucky that your dc have a grandmother who they love and she loves them in return.

Encourage her to buy a campervan and go travelling?

I currently have this and I find it suffocating and frustrating as they let my DC do what they want and stuff them with sweets then shout at them when unsurprisingly they go wild with the sugar rush and no rules combo

You spend regular time with her already so just say I don't need the help but thanks for offering. She could volunteer, pursue hobbies, take classes, join a mentoring or befriended scheme etc etc etc.

You already see her an awful lot and she seems over-reliant on you for filling her time. You are absolutely right, she does need to find her own new pastimes and groups of friends. As others have said, WI, U3A, church groups, volunteering - hospitals, charity shops, homeless groups, samaritans... Also agree that unless she does this, she has potential to look to you 100% when she gets even older.
I have been there as the daughter, and was supportive and took my DMum shopping twice a week, but it does get hard and breed resentment when they demand more and more and more of your time.
I'd suggest you try to break the regular fri/sun thing as soon as possible. This may be easier when DCs get older and want to do their own things or can't spare the time due to homework or extra-curricular groups. (And you do not have to invite her to ANY matches, performances or whatever - it's not compulsory!)
That may sound harsh to some, but older parents need their own friends and not get too dependent on their adult child, throwing temper tantrums if said child dares to go away for a holiday. (Been there, too.) I have watched and learned how I do not want to be when I am older!

I see my mam at least once a week sometimes more. I couldn't spend all my time with her though, as much as i love her, she drives me mad after a while.

You need to be straight with her. If she offers to mind your dc just say no thank you. If she pushes it be clear you dont need the help. If she calls every day asking what your doing tell her you have plans with someone else. Hopefully she will eventually get the message and back off.

Id also look into local clubs. There is a womans group in my area where older women meet 2/3 times a week and bake or do sewing or other activities. Its basically a social group. If there is something like that in your area suggest it to her.

You are nit being unreasonable to not want to spend everyday with your mam. Its nit healthy for either of you. You both need to have your own lives.

Have you thought of moving further away?

My mum will be exactly the same even though she has my dad. She needs to be needed. The grandkids are her life. If I dared suggest she get a hobby she would sob for weeks, she is a bit strange like that. My dad will spend all his time resenting us kids and grandkids because he will want my mum all to himself and she will want to see us all the time. Then he will blame us for that. Oh god I only have a few years left to prepare for this.

Basically I have no advice

Sounds like your mum, you and children have a good relationship.
If it ain't broke, don't fix it, you're fine as you are.