To think it's petty and childish that this is still going on?

[cricketmum84]

Link to previous thread here: To be fuming with my controlling BIL?http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/3124570-To-be-fuming-with-my-controlling-BIL

DDs birthday earlier this year - SIL cried and asked to be "allowed to come and see her" despite me telling her she was welcome at any time (bloody drama queen). Turned up with £50 worth of presents, hugs, how I have missed you etc etc.

DS's birthday - DH was handed a card by MIL from SIL, this sounds really petty but it's obviously a spare card MIL had stashed away, not a birthday card just a blank one with a girly teddy on the front. Very perfunctory message inside and £20 that MIL apparently had to tell SIL to put in. No text happy birthday, no communication, nothing.

These are kids FFS, SIL and BIL are obviously still harbouring resentment toward my DS and showing it in this way. And I know yet sounds so childish and petty but I'm pissed off that they are showing their feelings in such an obvious way TOWARDS CHILDREN!!!

At least now I know I was right to not back down and apologise.

Ugh please tell me IANBU to want to push them both down a well.

Sorry just to add as it's not clear in the original post - I already had DS when I met my DH, we went on to have DD together.

DS bio dad has nothing to do with DS so mine and DHs family is all he knows in terms of aunties/uncles/grandparents etc

They sound way too invested and making a massive deal over things. Your BILseems quite obsessive.

I think the very dismissive behaviour towards your DS isn't on.

But equally your DS isn't related to them. They are step aunties, grandparents etc and whilst it would be nice for them to have everything perfectly even and be as thrilled about things for both kids, I do understand that they may view him as their relatives partners child. It's not really their fault DS's dad and family has nothing to do with him.

I had followed your previous thread. Just go NC with them as much as possible. Your dc will see what a pair of prize twats sil and bil are, and I hope that your (d) h is now on board with you.

It's not worth putting your kids in harms way - emotionally or physically, They are people; not puppets for your in-laws amusement.

@MaisyPops that's rubbish! A good family accepts a child if one of their members has entered a relationship with someone and wants that child to be in their life. A few families within my wider family are "blended" and at no point do shy of us view those kids as anything less than family.

@MaisyPops totally understand that - what's upsetting is that they always have treated both kids equally - until the incident before Christmas! The frustrating thing is both kids said the same thing but they have made out like it's all down to my DS - hence now treating him different :(

DS understands what's going on and has said himself he would rather not see them anyway after it all blew up at Christmas.

motortroll
I've not excused their treatment of DS. I've said they are wrong to be dismissive.

I've just said that from their point of view I can understand them having a different attachment to a child that they arent related to.

They sound odd and way too invested in OP's family set up with all the gushing and anger. It's a bit weird, BIL especially.

cricketmum84
Oh right if it's a sudden change since Christmas then ignore me.

I do understand that people may take time and have a different attachment to partners child vs their grandchild but it they were all nice as pie until Christmas and then it's changed they can go to hell.

Beyond treating your son differently because he's not your DH's biological son, it sounds like BIL is still punishing him for revealing the bizarre "secret" scenario he set up.

TBH, I wouldn't really have anything to do with them or accept presents any more.

@WhoWants2Know I see a lot of people on here advising to not accept birthday and Christmas presents - it makes me feel bad though Cos then the kids (who shouldn't be involved in this at all) are missing out.

Me and DS are totally NC with both of them. As I mentioned in previous post DD is still primary school and is picked up by MIL 3 days a week and SIL is usually there. Me and DS will wait in the car if her car is outside. I change jobs next week and hoping to get DD into after school club so hopefully this contact will decrease massively.

Up until the card I still felt that SIL was controlled by BIL but the fact she couldn't even go out and buy a fucking birthday card makes me think she is just as demented as him.

The kids are missing out? In what way - surely you buy them a present for Christmas/their birthday? Damned if I'd let one of my kids be treated like this for the sake of a few gifts.

My opinion remains unchanged OP - get these people away from your kids.

And no its not "petty and childish". More like "nasty and abusive".

The thing is, your SIL is in an abusive relationship. Unfortunately, when you are in an abusive relationship, there are consequences, fallout.

I feel sorry for your son, and I think once you change your job then you need to cool things with SIL and avoid them as much as possible.

I know it feels like you are punishing your DD, but you really aren’t. You’re protecting her from their crazy. That’s worth a lot more than Christmas and Burthday presents. She was so upset when your BIL cancelled the cinema trip.

I have just read through your original post and wow - these people are bonkers. I know you checked with the children that there was no abuse but that doesn’t mean he wasn’t building up to something. The continued punishment of your son for revealing a secret while showering your daughter in love and gifts is very suspicious and almost like they are sending a message.

It would take a lot for me to recommend cutting ties with family members - but this situation warrants it. This isn’t just people being a bit thoughtless - he manipulative and explosively anger. She is an enabler.

I don’t think this has anything to do with DNA, it is about controlling both children. Or focusing on your daughter now that your son is old enough to see through their crap.

You are absolutely doing the right thing

This still sounds like grooming. Check what access BiL has to your daughter at her grandmothers. Check if SIL is alone with her. There are different types of abuse. I am also concerned your mil tolerates this behaviour.

Bil sounds toxic, I wouldn't want him (either alone or via AOL) having any involvement with either of my children.

Thanks all. I sometimes stop and question myself over all this - like am I the crazy one and they are all normal?? But the birthday thing has just iced the cake for me.

MIL and SIL are both very weak characters. SIL can't even fill a form in without her fathers help, goes and stays overnight if BIL is working away. MIL is very emotional and a bit of a manipulator.

Should find out tomorrow if DD has a place at after school club, keeping everything crossed! Then should be a quiet few months until the drama starts again at Christmas. Ugh I'm exhausted just thinking about it.