To think my husband is an arse?

[PeachGoddess]

I had a baby on Weds. due to losing my last little boy late on in pregnancy I have been very, very anxious and I’ve slept 5.5 hours (broken) since she was born.

I’ve been trying to settle her for 3 hours. She is bottle fed and I’ve done everything I can. So I went downstairs to get a dummy because I am exhausted and I thought it might be worth a try. So I sterilised it. This woke my husband who had been asleep on sofa. I went to bed at 830 as the baby was settled and 4 year old was asleep and I thought it might be my only chance.

My 4 year old came in to my room having had a nightmare and I let him stay. I’m too tired to argue.

So my husband comes up. And wants to get in to bed. I said that I’ve just settled the baby after all this time and I was hoping to get some sleep. My husband snores like a drain. He snapped at me something about having a bad back (he doesn’t have a bad back) and that I was selfish. Bearing in mind he’s done nothing since the baby arrived. Not one nappy, not one feed, nothing. I was up through the night with her last night and he just lay next to me, snorting and grunting all night.

Was I wrong? All I want is to sleep for a little while, in peace. Or the relative peace of a newborn, anyway.

Just to add... she spat the dummy out and has settled without it. Now I’m lying here upset because I feel so alone.

Was he like this with your last child?

Congrats on the new arrival OP, and so sorry to hear about your DS.

5.5 hours sleep in 3 days isn't much at all, you must be exhausted. Yes your husband was a bit of an arse, but he's probably tired too. Who is more tired than who isn't going to help anyone at this stage. Given your anxiety, is it that your husband hasn't wanted to help, or that he hasn't been able - if your DD is being bottle fed, what's stopping you just shoving her over to him and getting your head down?

It might be worth talking over the anxiety with your midwife too. Hope you work things out x

I don't think YABU! And yeah, he does seem to be being a bit of an arse tbh! Those first few days of sleep deprivation are awful and I think that he really ought to be being more supportive! I would be more worried that he 's not pulling his weight e.g. changing nappies etc. Has he always been like this?
I am also very sorry for the loss of your little boy. Please be kind to yourself and seek help if needed x

He sounds like an arse! Why can't he take a few of the night feeds to give you a bit of rest? Or even during the day if he has to work, there really is no excuse

Sleep deprivation is horrendous especially after giving birth - looking after a newborn and another child needs teamwork and sounds like he's not pulling his weight

I'm sorry you're feeling alone - there are plenty of us out there doing the night feeds. Here's a knackered little wave and hug (👋 🤗 ). Really hope you manage to get some rest, the early days are exhausting and it's not just down to you

YANBU.

You're so exhausted that you missed the opportunity to reply to him "sure, here's the baby, here's bottle and formula, have a fun night" and go to sleep on the sofa while he figures out how to pull his head out of his arse.

So, you didn't let your husband get in to bed because you want to sleep.

I wonder if you're not letting your husband do his share because of previous experience. You say "my" not "our".

He has as much right to sleep in a bad as you do... but if he snores he should looking at why and trying to take measures to stop.
How would you feel if he said you couldn’t sleep in your own bed?
He also needs to step up with feeds, nappy changes, making bottles & holding the baby for periods. Make him get involved with this - he can’t just opt out.

Why couldn’t he sleep in the 4 year old’s bed? As your bed was full with you, 4YO and sleeping baby.

You need to talk about this when you are not both at breaking point.
YANBU to want sleep. You must be exhausted. It never ceases to amaze me how selfish men can be in the newborn phase. So many of them genuinely believe that they are more tired than the person who has just been through pregnancy, labour, hormones and breastfeeding.

YANBU - he IS an arse. Ignore the twatty posts, some people will excuse anything!

I’m really sorry to hear about your little boy, you were very brave to go through another pregnancy and deserve FAR more support from ‘H’ than you’re getting. What was he like after Ds1’s arrival and DS’s SB?

Any half decent bloke would have slept in DS’s bed, if it’s not a cot bed, or on the sofa. He’s a twat.

No one in their right mind would leave a 3 DAY old baby in the bed with a very deep sleeping, unwilling to parent, man, so you need to ignore those suggestions.

I’m not surprised you feel so alone 💐

So, you didn't let your husband get in to bed because you want to sleep

Yes. She’s just had a baby. SHE has had fuck all sleep and no help since SHE delivered THEIR baby. SHE finally got BOTH children settled. What’s your point? Because whatever it is, it’s supporting a completely selfish, totally fucking awful man.

I wonder if you're not letting your husband do his share because of previous experience. You say "my" not "our"

Don’t be ridiculous. Most people say my, not our, when talking about their children, it’s inducitive of nothing other than ordinary speach/writing.

Is there nothing some women won’t excuse in the menz?

@AnnieAnoniMoose that's a bloody great post and 100% correct!

FFS he can sleep in the bed if he's going to get out of the bed to help with the baby! Not just lie their whilst his exhausted wife is dealing with both children.

OP this morning take baby and 4 year old down to their father and go back to bed. Tell him you'll need five hours sleep and he's on some duty for that long.

So he's had some sleep on the sofa but wants more in bed even though you've had no sleep at all
Yes he's a fucking arsehole.
He should be letting you sleep and looking after the children all day.

@loveItMoreEveryDay OP had had no sleep! Her OH had been asleep on the sofa. Because if that she put children in her bed so she could get some sleep.

Then OH wants to come upstairs and move everyone so he can get some MORE sleep.

But of course he had every right to do that......are you the OH?

I hate him for you. Why has he not done any nappies etc? Yes sleep deprivation will have made him snappy, but he's had more sleep than you and needs to help!

Congratulations OP. Try discussing it during a calm moment for you both. I hope he steps up x

He needs to be pulling his weight with feeds, and changes, and settling. For not doing so, he is an arse.

The newborn sleep competition is exhausting. I have one too, and other poor sleeper DC’s. I’m breastfeeding so it is all down to me. It sounds like you need to lay some ground rules down with your husband. I know others who bottle feed and take it in turns to sleep in the early days. You’re not being unreasonable but equally he needs to clearly know how you feel and your expectations.

Is this new behaviour? Is he usually kind and a full participant in family life?

Is this twattery new OP? He sounds selfish and really quite mean.

If he snores he needs to sleep elsewhere during this time, it's SO unfair on you to have to listen to him when you've just had a baby and doing all the night feeds etc.

Do you have a spare room?