Sex

[Highheels1]

Hi all 🙂, I’m not sure whether i need a kick up the ass or if I’m just being unreasonable. Or perfectly normal?!

I only quite recently (June) went NC with ex of 7yrs - engaged not married (very intense, unhealthy and very abusive at the end) we actuamutually broke up a yr previously but was amicable- he always rang me 1-2/week chatting, sometimes trying to get back together (attempt at keeping me hanging) and always checking up on me/probing etc Hence recent total
M NC as I (we) need to move on.

I have now met a New Guy and we have now been on several dates, we both really like each other and it is clear that sex naturally goinon the cards... i find myself feeling like a sudden prude! Not wanting sex or physical contact yet. Just this alien feeling of being “not ready”. And not excited.

I really like him.. I can see it being a very serious relationship tbh and I feel for this reason I am holding back. It feels too soon, however there have been about 8 dates now and another one tomorrow!! 🙂😬 It’s going to start getting weird unless I do something or say something!!

For the sake of full disclosure: I’m not a prude. I slept with lots of guys (far too many tbh esp in my youth) and have had 3 lovely long-term serious highly sexually adventurous kinky and bdsm relationships (over 5yrs each) since then. Never had this before!!

So have any of u found it hard to get back into the “saddle” or perhaps is there just a bit of chemistry missing between me and New Guy?

Were you ladies keen to “get it on” post relationship? Is it just me? Am I being unreasonable?

Thank you! (Be gentle please lol it’s my first thread!) 🙂

Take your time. There should not be any pressure on you. You are recovering from an abusive relationship. But even if you weren't you don't need a reason to say no. If you're not feeling it don't do it.

You're about to slip into 'good friends' territory. Are you happy to be there?

Nope, you are ready when you are ready. PP needs a head wobble.

If Dp can't or won't wait for that time then this is a no go relationship. No one is entitled to sex. No one should feel like they have to.

Also sometimes it is worth waiting for

majestic love your name! I used to work there! You’re right it’s strange I feel like it’s only since NC that we are “over” and am starting to finally get back to being myself after a long time being centred around him. It’s hard because my friends and family hated him for years and ostensibly we haven’t been together for c.18months so they are sick of hearing about him.. whereas I feel like I am only now free.

disquieted1 yes I know. It’s already a bit awkward! Tbh part of me is fine with being just friends. Certainly for the moment. (Wow that says it all?!) But not necessarily forever... that’s the part where I think I should just gfi and see what happens?

Thank you for your answers and I apologise for the typos! My phone went insane sorry!! 🙂 xx

Thank you Lurpak that was my thinking re “worth waiting for” lol I think he thinks I am Mary Whitehouse... he (potentially!) has a big shock in store!! Haha

we actuamutually broke up a yr previously but was amicable- he always rang me 1-2/week chatting, sometimes trying to get back together (attempt at keeping me hanging) and always checking up on me/probing etc Hence recent total M NC as I (we) need to move on.

That's not actually an amicable breakup, that's a shift in the manner of being abused. He was still controlling you.

So, I get why you only just feel free. You only really broke up when you broke contact and thus broke free from his attempts to keep control of you (which was all he was doing with the probing etc).

I don't get why you feel you need to go to such lengths to convince us you're not a prude. Did your ex call you that or something?

There's nothing wrong with not being ready yet. All it means is you're not ready yet! The great thing about leaving behind an abusive ex is that you get to start valuing your own feelings - in this case that you're just not ready now. Listen to your instincts.

If the relationship has the potential you think it does, then what's the rush?

I'd be more concerned that you appear to be rushing headfirst into a new relationship immediately after leaving an abusive one, without really dealing with it. Doing the Freedom Programme or having some counselling could help you deal with the abuse - including all the parts you've rationalised or explained away - and how it made you feel about yourself.

I suspect if you did that, then your feelings about not wanting physical contact would start to change. Better to address that in a healthy way that will set you up for the future than forcing yourself to do something that you know in your gut you're not ready for and don't want right now. Don't you think?

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Anoukspirit wow reading the “not an amicable breakup” “shift in the manner of abuse” and “still controlling” actually bought tears to my eyes... you are so spot on. I have only joined MN recently and WISH that I had joined earlier as I’m sure that I wouldn’t be so far down the rabbit hole if so.

Everything is slowly revealing itself. I was too isolated to even realise. Blind/deaf to family/friends. Pretty embarrassing. I thought I was stronger. I read here someone say that in a dark place they scheduled WhatsApp convos with people who knew to reply within xyz time window.. my mental reaction was “that’s fkn brave I wouldn’t have dared risk that” as I never had a “window” or chance to contact anyone who cd reply. It would be discovered too quickly and not worth it.

Interesting point re prudishness denial... my ex def didn’t call me a prude - it was the one part of “us” that always worked. I was more than happy to cater to his very extreme kinks/fantasies no matter how extreme (to the point I can’t imagine many people doing that stuff freely). I feel embarrassed writing this but I always thought that catering to every sexual whim would make me a “keeper”

Thank you. It’s almost as if you are my own mind re rushing into a new relationship- it’s hard because I really want to work on myself but then also aware that it has been a “long” time since I was “in a relationship” (but kind of, also not).

There shouldn’t be a problem should there regarding waiting? If it’s right then this is fine. If not, then it’s not right.

Shall I just have an open conversation with New Guy then? I have felt this but thought it might be too soon seeing as we’re not yet an item..

I am going to look into freedom project xx

Thank you so much for your replies 🙂 xx