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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go on the hen weekend?

15 replies

MissesBloom · 31/08/2018 17:45

My oldest friend is getting married, has booked it at short ish notice, and has got lots of bridesmaids (me included).

The hen do is being arranged as the wedding is in April next year. Originally the bride said she wouldn't travel more than 30 min drive away for the hen do as she's got a young toddler and has never left him with anyone. She was happy to stay overnight as long as it wasn't more than the 30 mins away. This sounded great as I also have 2 young children and whilst happy to leave them for a night I'd never go abroad without them (am aware lots of people do, and have nothing against it, I just couldn't relax enough to enjoy it)

The bridesmaid who has decided to plan it all tried to get her to agree to go abroad for a weekend but she refused. They have now agreed on somewhere 4.5 hours drive away, and for the whole weekend. Everyone will be staying in a flat together and doing a package deal for 2 nights of clubbing and drinks making.

1 bridesmaid pulled out straight away because she didn't want to leave her dd overnight. She got flamed Blush I did agree with her and stated I was happy to do 1 night but not both. I'm not very socially confident and don't want to be away from the kids for that long. Also don't want to flat share with tonnes of people I don't know. Thought it would be a hotel.

My question is wibu to politely decline and arrange to do something with my friend separately just the two of us? (my treat obviously). Was thinking an afternoon tea and spa day?

I don't want to be a shit friend, and want to celebrate with her, but as its a package I don't see how I could join in with the vip club stuff and drink making if I'm booking a Separate hotel and transport to leave early? Would this upset you as a close friend?

OP posts:
NWQM · 31/08/2018 17:48

It really wouldn’t upset me - assuming she didn’t go on exactly the same kind of hen do for you as that might make her pause. Don’t go half hearted as you’ll have no fun. An extra hen spa day sounds lovely.

Original poster
MissesBloom · 31/08/2018 17:49

She didn't, she couldn't make my hen do (for a good reason).

If it's relevant I'm staying in the hotel with her the night before the wedding. She did get upset some of the others aren't though.

OP posts:
wafflyversatile · 31/08/2018 17:50

Who flamed the other woman?

I'd explain the situation direct to the bride.

Original poster
MissesBloom · 31/08/2018 17:52

Two of the other bms flamed her. They said she has form for this kind of thing and basically to get a grip.

OP posts:
MissusGeneHunt · 31/08/2018 17:54

I'd personally do what you've suggested, take her out for a lovely spa and pm tea. Maybe invite the other bm too? I think your reasons are totally valid, and YANBU!

BlueJava · 31/08/2018 17:55

Some hen things get so out of control! Personally I'd ditch the whole thing :) but that's just me.

TroubledLichen · 31/08/2018 18:02

If the bride is such a good a friend she will understand that a) it’s not feasible to leave your children for 2 nights and b) that you’re socially anxious and not comfortable sharing a flat with strangers. If you did want to do the club night then any chance you could go to that and book your own cheap hotel? And use the excuse of a family commitment on the Sunday you need to leave early for. But failing that then your spa day/afternoon tea idea sounds lovely. And you could invite the other bridesmaid that has dropped out too if you wanted. Go direct to the bride to talk it out with her though, the other bridesmaids sound like nightmares!

Original poster
MissesBloom · 31/08/2018 18:02

I agree but can totally see why some people love it. The bms in question all went abroad for weekends for theirs and regularly leave the dcs and are comfortable doing so. They don't really see why it might be an issue for others.

I just didn't want to upset the bride as she is my oldest friend and can be sensitive to this sort of thing. Way I see it I can spend the 175 and go on the weekend, but I'll be cutting it short, not spending any good quality (chatty) time with her and will spend the weekend hungover.. Or I can use that money to book something a little more chilled but a proper treat.

Will call her directly I think to explain but not sure how to respond in the group as theyre asking for deposits within a few weeks

OP posts:
Original poster
MissesBloom · 31/08/2018 18:06

They just really want a good old drinking session I think Grin which sounds Brill I just wish it was local.

I'd planned originally to go up for one night travel separately and stay in the hotel with them. But now it seems as though its being booked as one big deal, with a shared apartment and I'm not sure how I'd get booked into the vip section and the activities if I'm not part of the hen group i booking I can just see the drama unfolding already Wink

OP posts:
Treaclepie19 · 31/08/2018 19:35

YANBU. The other bridesmaids are being unreasonable for flaming the other one.

It's ridiculous, just because you don't want to leave your child for 2 nights you're a shit friend?
I don't think so.

Doodlebug5 · 31/08/2018 19:51

I didn't go on a friend's hen do. The costs were piling up and up and the final thing that pushed me over the edge was a naked butler service at something like £50 a head. The whole weekend was already costing the best part of £500 not including travel oh and fancy dress for both nights.
I just couldn't afford it.
She never spoke to me again. 18 years of friendship gone.

Judge your friend well as to her response. Is she likely to be ok over it? Maybe let her down gently and suggest like you say your own day.

Original poster
MissesBloom · 31/08/2018 20:20

I felt for her Tbh so I stuck up for her on the group and said she wasn't the only one who wasn't sure about staying away.

Winds me up why we can't just have a night out anymore with friends, why does it always have to be a weekend of pre arranged activities and forced itineraries Angry

Doodle that is shit, what kind of person cuts off a friendship for a hen do? This is the thing people forget too.... The money. I'll be paying for my own dress and shoes, hair, make up, hotel the night before, wedding gift, hen do, outfits for the kids. It all adds up. When I got married I didn't want a hen do but was Cooerced into it by sil. I refused to do anything ott, we just went on a local pub crawl with all my mates. I didn't want people to feel that they had to go or I'd be upset. Hopefully my friend won't hold it against me, we've been friends for almost 30 years.

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 31/08/2018 20:23

"the final thing that pushed me over the edge was a naked butler service at something like £50 a head."
Unfortunate choice of phrasing :) and horrible choice of hen party entertainment on their part

HildaZelda · 31/08/2018 20:26

I flatly refused to have a hen when I was getting married. I absolutely hate them and all the shit and problems they cause.
I don't think you're being unreasonable at all OP.
As you said, why can't it just be a night out with friends? Dinner, drinks and a few laughs. Why does it have to be a massively expensive ' event'?

mouthkisses · 31/08/2018 20:42

Your plan sounds ace. The original hen do sounds like my idea of hell. I think if you are an introvert the thought of having no privacy and mandatory 'fun' is panic inducing, before factoring kids needs into the equation.

Anyway, sounds lovely. If I was the bride I'd be made up.

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