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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel a bit miffed at feeling like myself & DC are being left out?

22 replies

PrincessAvaR · 31/08/2018 14:42

Ok, so the background is that DP & I have been together 2 years. We both have 2 DC each from our previous marriages and we have a DD together. My DC live with us, his come EOW and the weekends in between my 2 older DC go to their Dad's.
At the end of last year I took DP's surname and changed it by deed poll. Both of our families are well aware of this and aware that we have all the children on the same weekends.

I got a text the other day from DP's cousin asking if we had DSD & DSS the weekend of 6th October. I replied and said we did and she explained she was having a birthday party for her DD. I asked if she could give me ideas of what to get and she sent back one thing, a trolls dress up outfit for £15 (which is more than I would usually spend on a cousins DC as we don't have a lot of spare money but that's neither here nor there, if it's what she wants that's what we would buy - you'll understand the relevance of the cost of the gift further down).

The invitation arrived today, envelope addressed to DP only. (Printed invite so no names mentioned on the invitation itself). It also transpires that it's a fancy dress party so is going to be pretty expensive what with the travel there and back (over an hour away), gift & kitting out 5 children in fancy dress but don't want them to feel left out if they're the only ones not in fancy dress.

But the invitation addressed only to DP got me thinking that perhaps myself and my DC are not invited as her original text didn't mention my DC, only DP's.

AIBU to feel a bit miffed by this? Firstly I have the same surname as DP so if the invitation was to include me & my DC she could easily have addressed it to both of us. And should we call/text and ask if the invite includes all of us or not? Don't want to assume that it does or it doesn't, would rather know but don't want her to feel awkward or think we're being funny as she maybe didn't think about how it would look asking only about my DP's DC and addressing the invite to DP only if she had always intended to invite us all.

Sorry for the long post. Just wanting to know how you would feel if this happened to you?

OP posts:
Aprilshowersinaugust · 31/08/2018 14:44

Get dp to text her.
Let him kit his dc out if you aren't invited and you go do something with your dc instead.

Takesthefeckingbiscuit · 31/08/2018 14:46

I think you're reading too much into it. Just text and ask if it's an invite for all of you. If it is, then go if you want to and can afford it. If it's not, then you've saved some time and cash for your lot.

Original poster
PrincessAvaR · 31/08/2018 14:47

@Aprilshowersinaugust That's what I'm thinking, but it's our only time as a whole family and tbh I'm not sure he would go if we weren't invited. I think I will ask him to text her. Thank you.

OP posts:
garethsouthgatesmrs · 31/08/2018 14:47

Dp should text her and he should pay for the gift and sort costume I would just be pleased you don't have to go and itnwill.be nice to do somethjng with your own DC. but yes it is rude. There's no way I would do this when people are a family.

Original poster
PrincessAvaR · 31/08/2018 14:48

@Takesthefeckingbiscuit I thought I might be, but I'm so conscious of things like this myself and not excluding people that I can't help but feel like this when someone maybe doesn't think about it like I would IYKWIM.

OP posts:
Original poster
PrincessAvaR · 31/08/2018 14:49

Thanks @garethsouthgatesmrs. Neither would I. Even with family members who aren't married or share the same surname I would always address something that includes them both to both of them, not just one of them.

OP posts:
BlackrockMum · 31/08/2018 15:00

you may be over analysing it but yes I think you have to check it out who exactly is invited, sometimes people can just be really insensitive think they are doing a good job by inviting cousins and forgetting other kids, if its only the 2/3 with your dd, I'd discuss with your DP whether with long travel its worth all the fuss of going to their cousins party, if he's not pushed personally I'd skip it and not buy a present for a cousin, would you invite the cousin if it was one of your older twos birthday? you can always just say closer to day you have something else on, you have ages to go yet for a party who sends out invites now letv alone printed ones, for October??? is it a really special occasion? or am I just really disorganised.

As for costumes look at last years Halloween outfits can you up style at least the cheap Halloween stuff should be in the pawnshops and supermarkets by then so don't stress about outfits you have plenty of time to make something quirky yourself.

Original poster
PrincessAvaR · 31/08/2018 15:07

To be honest, as all of our DC (except our DD together) are of school age, we don't do the whole "family" party thing for them as they prefer a day out with friends. The only family parties I ever did for my older DC was when they were little and I was still with their Dad so the whole blended family thing was never an issue.

It is DSS's birthday a couple of days beforehand so we could say we already have plans to do something for him that weekend, I just feel a little awkward as assumed all of us would be being invited as she text me originally so I never mentioned anything then, so worry it would now sound like an excuse.

OP posts:
Original poster
PrincessAvaR · 31/08/2018 15:08

And no, not a special occasion. It's her 4th birthday. They are just the type of people who hold a big party every year for their DC (unlike me who much prefers something much lower key for my own DC).

OP posts:
Aprilshowersinaugust · 31/08/2018 15:09

Ime of blended families it is better to start off with the dc accepting all won't be invite to everything - less chance of resentment /jealousy. Your relatives naturally won't invite extra dc they hardly know to things and vice versa. Nothing personal I feel, just numbers /cost /wanting to spend time with dc without a job lot landing.
Gives each of you time with your dc alone also, which is a good thing all round.

Original poster
PrincessAvaR · 31/08/2018 15:13

They've all met loads of times over the last 2 years at other family events and we've all been over to theirs and they to us, so it's not like they hardly know my DC. My family would never leave DP's DC out and if they did I'd be really upset as we are a family and should therefore be treated like one.

OP posts:
Original poster
PrincessAvaR · 31/08/2018 15:15

It wasn't an issue last year as the party didn't fall on our weekend with all the DC so she invited DP's ExW instead 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
PrincessAvaR · 31/08/2018 15:45

UPDATE: Just spoken to DP. He's not bothered about going as both his DC birthdays fall in between our 2 weekends so we will be using the money we would have spent on travel, costumes and gift to take all of our DC out for the day instead.

OP posts:
Bibidy · 31/08/2018 15:49

I would assume it was an invite for all of you since she text you about it originally. Would she really text you if she intended to exclude your children?

Either way, doesn't matter now if you're not going! :)

youarenot · 31/08/2018 15:55

So was your child that you share with DP not invited last year?!

Original poster
PrincessAvaR · 31/08/2018 16:13

@youarenot No, I was pregnant last year.

OP posts:
Original poster
PrincessAvaR · 31/08/2018 16:55

@Bibidy That's what I thought. Didn't really think anything of her only mentioning my DSC at first, but the invitation came addressed to DP only it got me thinking, or overthinking as the case may be.

OP posts:
thegardenfairy · 31/08/2018 17:13

The first thing you need to do is check with the cousin how many of you are invited and take it from there. Let us know what she says.

Original poster
PrincessAvaR · 31/08/2018 17:20

@thegardenfairy We've decided not to go now anyhow as will be celebrating my DSC's birthdays that weekend as wont be seeing them for long on their actual birthdays. I might ask DP to text her anyway just to find out Smile If I do I will let you all know.

Thanks everyone for the advice x

OP posts:
Looking4wards · 31/08/2018 19:02

I'm a bit confused. You said "The invitation arrived today, envelope addressed to DP only" - does that mean it hasn't been opened yet and you don't know who's actually been invited inside?

Original poster
PrincessAvaR · 31/08/2018 20:22

@Looking4wards No, I told DP there was a letter for him and he told me to open it.

OP posts:
youarenot · 01/09/2018 08:33

Ah right, yes sorry. Reread the OP and see you've been together 2 years, thought it said your DC together is 2 years sorry!

Atleast it's sorted now but may be worth discussing with your partner regarding what to do in future for family events that invites only include his children as it's not something that will go away/not happen again if it's happened once

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