To ask how far in advance you agree child contact with your ex?

[Pickledpickles]

My stbexh has the kids EOW and half the holidays which follows a fairly predictable pattern except for the summer holidays which is negotiable. How far in advance do you set actual dates so they become concrete and not open to any changes for anything?

I send him a contact schedule in July to commence in the September and ask for any revisions. I'd be happy to be flexible ish thru the year if necessary, but I try to space out contact so that DD never goes too long without seeing him. We don't have an EOW arrangement as he lives too far away

we usually work about 3 months in front but we are very flexible with contact - in theory every other weekend with a midweek if it's my weekend coming up.

we have started using cozi - a free calendar app that we can both access without having to use pur personal diaries. we put in holidays, childcare etc.

them we put our names against dates we want etc.

it has definitely made my ex more organised!

I uaed to draw up a schedule for the year beginning Jan 1 each year. We would be flexible with dates for Summer hols with whoever was booking first checking with the other before actually booking on case there were possible events.

We would also be flexible swapping weeks for family events etc

It sounds like you have reasonable exes! Mine threatens court if I don't agree to what he wants

My DH and his ex has a court order in place and it gives the timeframe for contact arrangements to be in place.

I think ideally dates should be given a year in advance so both sides can plan effectively.

We share a calendar and I fill it in roughly 3 months in advance taking into account of anything I know is coming up for the DC, exH or me, then he says if there are any he can’t do. Sometimes he does this very last minute and then it’s just a question of whether I have plans or not. If I do, tough, but I try to be as flexible as I can without being a complete pushover. His career is very full on so he only has them 4 nights a month - 3 Saturday nights and a Friday, so they essentially have one ‘full’ weekend with him, one actually full weekend with me and all other Saturdays with him. He doesn’t have them for many holidays as it’s very difficult to get him to commit to any more than a week or two in summer. This year he has had 1.5 weeks so far, and will have a few days at Christmas.

Sorry to bring up past threads but in regards to your DD, she needs organisation and she has appointments coming up, so you have good reason to insist on a timetable, at least a month in advance. He needs to be on board with what your DD needs.

This only has to be for the coming months. Then next year, if things are more sorted for her and they are that bit older, then more flexibility can be given.

But it should be to suit the children, not him.

Within two years, they get a say in contact, as long as it doesn't massively inconvenience you, or effect you financially etc.

My ex and I just work around each other but generally every weekend is his unless of holiday.
But tbh he wouldn’t dream of mentioning court and neither would I, we coparent like friends.

@Birdsgottafly DD isn't aware of her appointment yet and neither is he. It's during school time so won't affect his contact. I'll make sure all future appointments are in my time too as he'll get arsey over them and say they aren't necessary. He's also likely to accuse me of munchausens by proxy as has in the past so I don't share medical appointments until they've happened. Previous invites to attend have been ignored anyway. He has them one night a week after school which is a set day. I think he'd like contact set until they are 18

My ex works shifts (is a copper) so he goes through his rota and texts me the dates he can have them. I still don't have September dates yet. He is truly crap at letting me know. He then quite often changes or adds days at the last minute. I don't mind being flexible as dd loves going to her dads and I don't work at the moment.

The difficulty is that DS has autism and can't cope with days being changed. This is one of the many reasons he doesn't see his dad. His dad knows this, but thinks DS needs to learn to deal with it. But the way DS deals with it is by not going at all.

The other thing that annoys is if he realises she has a club he will drop the day so he doesn't have to take her.

@Pickledpickles sure he's reasonable 5 years on. It hasn't always been like this! We agreed a long term plan that would work until she's old enough to make her own contact arrangements. Might help to get a solicitor to draw up an agreement to act as a basis for the future along with caveats to change plans eg family weddings and funerals only for example. Once it's less emotive and you trust each other more you can loosen the ties a bit

@kitkatsky it's been over 5 years and he's as awkward and arsey today as he was back then. We have a court order but no caveats and he won't negotiate unless it works in his favour.

We create a schedule every 6 months.

Although the dates are set in stone as such in that we can plan around them, we offer each other flexibility. Our “rule” tends to be up to 8 weeks notice, we pretty much always accommodate a change. Less than 8 weeks notice a change can still be requested but more chance of not being able to swap if other arrangements have been made.

My ExH has then EOW from Thursday 5pm until 5pm Sunday and EO Tuesday for tea. He has them for one week in the summer holidays and for Boxing Day and the 27th every year. This is pretty rigid except if he has a holiday or something and asks if I can have them. The week in the summer is set usually by January. I could ask him for some flexibility as well but I haven't needed to. They were between 13 and 9 yo when he left and the older one would babysit from around 15 if I needed to go out myself. Anything else I have always arranged for the weekend they are with him.

My middle DS has ASD and struggles with changes to schedule so I've tried to minimise them. They're now 16, 18 and 20 but still follow the same schedule as they still want to see him. The 20 yo is at uni but generally keeps to the schedule when he's home as we only live 2 miles apart, so any social events by the boys can be followed from either house.

We had quite an acrimonious divorce as far as each other goes but we've both tried to stop it affecting the boys. ExH used to pick them up from school on his days so I didn't have to see him but his new job is less flexible so he picks them up from here after work. I still don't see him, though, I just sit in the living room.

XP has EOW I offered a week in summer, and bank holiday extensions but the offer is never taken up. DD plays a team sport so fixtures are shared at the start of the season so contact has to be arranged around that.

I am unable to arrange anything, we have a shared diary, I know my shifts 15 months in advance. Ex will only tell me on the Friday what his shifts for the following week starting on the Monday. I've been living like this for a year. He will demand contact with dd according to his wants and he threatens me with court action if I say it's not going to work for me. I spend all of my time scrabbling around for childcare. I've had the odd shift where I haven't had childcare arranged for the end of my shift.

Exh works rotating shifts including weekends but it's easy to work out which weekends he is off. I let him know which weekends I would like him to have DS and he puts it on his calendar. He also tells me when he has plans or is going away in advance. We've sorted things up until the end of this year including what we're doing for Christmas. On the weeks he works weekends he has Wednesday and Thursday off instead and he will pick DS up from school and have him overnight then.

A fair bit of variety then. I think 4 months in advance is fair enough but he wants a full 12 months. The problem with that is that he won't change anything once the dates are agreed, even in emergencies, so I'm reluctant to let my life be dictated by him. He also wants to fit contact around his girlfriend and her kids! It's difficult enough with our kids being at 2 different schools with different holidays and different finish times so there's no way I'm working around someone else and her kids too. Our kids come first, not his gf's.

DH has his DS every other weekend and four weeknights a fortnight, and this doesn't ever change apart from the few days around Christmas, which is finalised some time in November but also follows a pattern so is pretty predictable. So we could plan things on our weekend with him for 5 years time if we really wanted to, knowing it won't change. We occasionally ask to have him for an extra day here or there which his mum will always accommodate unless she already has plans, and vice versa; but I don't think either DH or his ex have had to ask each other to have DS on what should be their night (I.e. not been able to have DSS when it's their time to have him). I don't think either of them would thinks it's acceptable to do so. If we are invited to something not child friendly on our weekend with dss we get a babysitter or decline, rather than say we can't have him.