To feel left out at work??

[DonkeyPlease]

My two coworkers and I used to go for coffees and walks together, but about three months ago, I spotted them having a coffee without me and when I asked them why they left me out, they denied it had happened before and they were discussing something private and not to worry. But ever since then ive noticed they don't want to hang out all three of us.

I've asked multiple times what the issue is (individually,I'm not calling a meeting about it or anything!) but when I challenge them they claim they're simply busy? This seems unlikely to me as the timing is off. Why suddenly become busy after I caught then out?

They sit a bit away from me and I've noticed they sometimes speak in low voices. I've become sure they're talking about me. But I've asked them and they say it's not true and that they simply are talking about something private

Why would they suddenly start leaving me out? It's affecting my mental health and it's extremely upsetting that they keep denying it.

Aibu to think they can't know how awkward they are being? To have friends who suddenly don't want to chat as much/ are mysteriously busy as soon as I pull them up on anything? It just seems cruel and blatantly nasty?

Perhaps the first time really was something and nothing as they said and they're finding your persistent questioning uncomfortable?

I'm sorry - this must be hard. Do you have a line manager you can discuss it with?

I think you need to stop questioning them about it - you're not going to get a straight answer. Perhaps they are just closer to each other than you are to them.

As upsetting as it is, when it's a friendship of 3, IME it very often ends up that 2 of them have more in common & end up closer. Try not to keep asking them, you'll just alienate them.

I think the first time they were telling the truth and your strange reaction and persistent over-reacting has put them off to be honest.

I feel for you but this friendship isn’t working. You have to stop questioning.

But, don’t sulk or strop or make anyone feel uncomfortable. They don’t owe you friendship. Instead, be friendly and chatty with everyone and you will either make new friends or attract the old ones back.

They are arseholes.

Leave the childish planks to it.

I was bullied in the form of ostracism as a child and as a result I’m hypersensitive to any indication of being deliberately excluded or left out of stuff. But I’ve come to realise that I’m just being paranoid and no one is doing that. Please try to relax and just continue to be friendly as has been suggested.

Honestly, I'm afraid you sound a bit odd. You've been out for coffees a couple of times and when you've seen them out without you, you've challenged them about it? Maybe they just didn't gel with you. Sometimes it happens. It isn't mean, it isn't bullying, they are not being rude. They just don't want to spend private time with you. You said your asked them several times about this, but that's not appropriate behaviour. I think you have struggled to notice the non verbal clues they may have given. They woûld just prefer to spend time together without you.
Don't lose sleep over it, it's just life!

Let this go op, rise above it.

Sorry but they are not your friends.

You need to stop questioning them and accept that, for whatever reason, they don't want to include you anymore. It is very hurtful and painful but you can't force people to include you.

Can you move so you sit nowhere near them?

You’ve got to let this go and accept they’re choosing to go without you. Stop asking them why, they’re not going to tell you - shitty behaviour though.

@DonkeyPlease - No wonder they're avoiding you, you sound like very hard work! Asif you'd try and make people justify how they spend their breaks!

They’re being pretty childish. They might have ended up being closer friends than you are with either but leaving you out is horrible. I’d stop trying, be pleasant if you cross paths but try to keep out their way.

Maybe they have found a common ground. Maybe their lives are different to yours.
Don't sweat it. Move on and make friends with others.

Difficult situation, but it sounds as if it’s time to move on from the ‘threesome’ and lose the expectation that you’ll be invited out for coffee or walks. Go to work, be friendly, do your job, and don’t expect anything else- ignore them when they’re whispering- just try to move beyond it all, if possible.

I've often heard the old phrase "two is company, three is a crowd" and I've seen it so many times myself.

Maybe relax a bit about it, act like you're not remotely bothered and I'm sure pretty soon you will get answers.

They are co workers and owe you nothing outside of the work environment. Harsh but true.

There is no point in joining them if they only do it if you force them. Its not worth it as when you are sitting there you won't feel comfortable. Now someone constantly asking me why l'm having coffee with someone else would make me very uncomfortable too. You are too persistent and that does not lead to good friendships.
Just step back , do your job, be polite and seek friends outside work.

Stop asking!

It may well have been nothing until you starting asking about it. A lot. Honestly it would make me back off.

How big is your work place? Are there other people you can take breaks with?

Honestly, it's work. Not a social club. They're work colleagues. If I were your manager I really wouldn't be happy about what sounds like year 6 playground issues being obsessed over and discussed on your work time. The pair of them don't sound much better.

That was the harsh response. The kinder one is that it's not advisable to rely on work for friends. Things like this can and do happen. I have made some great friends at work, but it's not tended to be people I've worked most closely with. Focus on your work, build your social life outside work if you feel you need to, and otherwise leave the pair of them alone.

@DonkeyPlease, sorry but you are acting very strange about this and you need to back off.

when I asked them why they left me out, they denied it had happened before and they were discussing something private and not to worry.

They probably did have something private to discuss, and now by making a big deal over it you have left them thinking you're odd, and maybe controlling. You don't get to dictate who they socialise with.

You never make anyone like you more by having a go at them for not liking you enough.

It is perfectly likely that one of them wanted to talk privately that first time. Don't we all sometimes need to talk to somebody one-to-one? I have friends I really like, but a group chat is a different thing from a one-to-one. You've made things very awkward by challenging them about it. Of course they'll be talking behind your back now - you've made it awkward so they don't feel comfortable with you. Do you really want them to include you just because they're afraid you'll make a fuss if they don't?

Back off, and remember they are free to have coffee with whomever they want. I agree with PPs - it's not bullying or mean to not want to socialise with the exact same group of people all the time. It's not mean to not want to discuss personal problems with someone you don't know well. It's not mean to avoid someone if you feel a bit uncomfortable with them.

In a few weeks, you can take the initiative by asking them both, in a light - hearted way, if they want to grab a coffee with you. But that doesn't mean they're then obliged to only have coffee together if they're with you.

I am in a horrible situation in my job too. There is a really toxic atmosphere. I have amazing friends outside of work and just concentrate on them. My Dad told me to just think of work time as you exchanging your time for money to live and no more than that. I absolutely hate it, but I think most people do.

I’m sorry it’s so hurtful but I think you need to shake it off and concentrate on just making it to home time.

You seem like a sensitive sole. I don't think its personal, they have obviously found common ground. Please just be friendly but do not question them anymore, its making you look desperate and giving them more reason to leave you out. Move on and find other friendships in the work place. Its there loss not yours, who would want to be friends with people like that anyway, they are behaving like kids in a play ground. Move on and keep your dignity.