Aibu to be getting stressed? Baby due, moving house

[pandarific]

I go on mat leave end of the month, due end of Oct - am knackered but hanging in there.

Bloody house that we are meant to be buying (going from 1 bed flat to 3 bed house) we still haven't exchanged contracts on and we don't have a completion date for and I am starting to get worried. We wanted to complete mid sept and specifically chose buyers who could move quickly but this is now looking like end sept and we need to move a wall, a boiler, a waste pipe and purchase and install a new kitchen before the baby comes and Oct. (As to why we need to do this now, the kitchen is crap currently and we think it's better to get all the noisy messy work done when the baby is still in there and not exposed to noise/mess - as that sounds awful with a newborn and also it'll never get done otherwise.

I am stressing as this is my first and I want to start preparing, hire a pool and test it and potentially book in with the home birth midwives but I'm not sure if timings go against us whether we'll still be in boxes, if the boiler will be working, if the messy work will be done or if there will be dust everywhere... gah! Midwife today and I told her and she winced. Are we completely fucked with these timings?

We will have professional movers and are only going a few streets but we'll be on our own more or less - my family is in another country though my mum may come over to help, DH's family are all busy but for MIL who though wanted to help us has just had to have surgery and is out of action for a long time as she can't drive. Other pluses is we have an excellent personally recommended builder on hand, and have decided on ikea kitchen for quick easy fitting... that will help, right?!

This is my first so I'm kind of shitting myself anyway - I want a magic wand to make it all fall into place but obviously that's not going to happen. Realistically we will have a month if I deliver on or around due date to sort the house as best we can... how worried would you be?

There's a lot outside of your control here OP. And I understand how hard this is when you're close to giving birth.

The sale might fall through, that's the reality of it and you need to be prepared for that eventuality.

I think you need to put less pressure on yourself to do everything 'perfectly' and prioritise what the baby needs. Essentially this is a calm mother and a warm cosy room when they arrive.

Forget about what the rest of the NCT group are doing. Perhaps you should reconsider a home birth if a MLU would take the pressure off you. It might make life easier all round if you don't move and have the baby in your current flat. Some kind of meditation/mindfulness exercises might help to keep you grounded.

and nobody seems to give a shit that with this delay we could lose everything - all our hard work, our new house, our mortgage. I'm so upset. Fuckers.

Just saw this. No they don't care because it's not their problem. House buying/selling is a brutal game, I'm sorry but that's the reality.

You need to move on from expecting anyone to care and concentrate on solving problems in as unemotional way as you can. If I were you I'd be trying to find a shit hot lawyer to take a look at the deeds. Your current one doesn't appear to be engaging with it.

Would it be worth speaking to your midwife about changing to the MLU for the birth? As crazy as it sounds (given how uncontrollable giving birth is) that would give you a bit of control in that you know your baby is going to arrive in that place and in a safe, clean environment? You might find you're better able to cope with the lack of control of the other variables that way?

In a lurker not a poster but mate, I feel SO sorry for you. This is a shit situation to be in. I would really recommend going for a MLU to regain some control. I've had a mlu and a Home birth and if I was in your situation I'd go for a mlu in a flash. It was so relaxing, and it doesn't sound like Home would be.

Re the home move. I've been there and it's so upsetting. We had three houses fall through but - and if someone had told me this id have wanted to hit them - it worked out for the best as the house we eventually got was amazing. Best possible house. I wish I had some practical advise but instead I just have a lot of sympathy.

If you're stuck in your current house with a newborn it will be ok. My newborn has a loud, vv tactile toddler in his face all the time. They can cope with anything your neighbours throw at you - it's you who'll find it hard. Not much help, I know, but don't worry about your baby.

Finally, if you live in a building site with a newborn it will also be fine. Newborns are chaos so all the other chaos sort of drifts into the background. It'll be a good excuse to either hole up in the dust free bedroom or to get out of the house and get lots of fresh air with the baby.

I have everything crossed for you.

Our offer on house was accepted before I knew I was pregnant, yet we moved in 3 week before I had baby!!!!!
It was long and stressful time , the estate agents and solicitors were useless and fobbed is off daily! After waiting 6 months they then told us the house at end of chain was in probate and we had to wait for all that to go through!! We couldn’t believe they let us buy a house without telling us vital
Information like that!!!

In the 3 weeks we had before baby came we had workman in constantly as we had downstairs bathroom and the family bathroom on the 3rd floor totally ripped out and renovated, we had our bedroom and our daughters room fitted with bespoke wardrobes, painted and new carpets. We had the nursery painted and one spare room painted. It was manic! I was glad it was done before the baby came though rather than after but I would have just got on with it otherwise as that’s all you can do.
The noise wouldn’t have bothered me as i think it’s quite good to have noise around a baby as means they will always sleep through anything ( well has been true for both of mine lol)
I hope you can get everything sorted in time, try not to stress too much, although I can totally relate it’s not that easy.x

With total respect and understanding of how you are feeling (I’m currently 9 months pregnant myself) none of these things matter in the grand scheme of life.

You’ll either get the new house or you won’t, youll get a home birth or you won’t (many factors unrelated to current housing stress come into play here).

Hopefully if it all falls through the crappy neighbours will behave (could you try talking to them when visible heavily pregnant and let them know their behaviour is having an impact on you) - even if they don’t behave you’ll find a new place eventually.

Likewise if you’re having trouble getting up and down two flights of stairs you’ll heal. It’s not a bad thing to be snuggled up with a time newborn for a couple of weeks anyway.

I remember the feeling of being unsettled and frustrated so well, and it does go against all the cosying in/nesting instincts. However two things changed my mindset about it all. Firstly my baby was rushed to hospital with sepsis when he was just a few weeks old (he’s a healthy toddler now now). Bringing him home after two weeks in hospital to that little flat really put things into perspective. I was so relieved and happy To be able to bring him home anywhere. Then there was a lot of deeply upsetting news reports about children seeking refuge in Europe drowning in the med. I realised how unbelievably lucky I was to have this tiny damp shoebox flat where were were safe and warm.

House stress is really crappy, stressful and disappointing, but it doesn’t sound like there’s much you can do about it other than ride it out and see what happens.

One of those ‘the only thing you can control is your own reaction’ situations?

However you choose to deal with it, don’t make yourself ill stressing about it. It’ll all come out in the wash.

Bumping my own thread again...

Well, last night was fun. I cried, DH cried -he feels he's failed as he wanted to get the new place ready for me and the baby and that buying this flat was a bad decision (he bought it on his own).

and it's spat about watching a hypnobirthing course turned into us both admitting how much this house stuff is a stress. It's just horrible not to know one way or the other - it's that state of repeatedly having the rug pulled out from under you that's hard.

A solicitor who previously worked for the freeholder has been located and has applied to be instructed by them to alter the plans. Apparently one of the freeholders has been made contact with (there are 3, it's a LLP), but that's all I know via the managing agent - the solicitor won't talk to me and won't tell us anything until he's been instructed.

So we still don't know timelines so we don't know what to tell the seller of our house, but we need to tell them something! The lady who owns it I have met and apparently she needs an operation (don't know what or why it can't be nhs) and is selling to fund that. Our offer was accepted end May, I have no idea how long she will wait.

FIL has found them on social media and is encouraging us to make contact there and just politely throw ourselves on their mercy re responding to solicitor. I don't know, I feel like it might be very inappropriate and piss them off! It's exhausting.

YANBU, I am in a similar position and so stressed! Work is a 5 hour round trip for me which is so tiring, with the remaining energy I have left dealing with solicitors and the mortgage broker as my OH is away with work and can’t really sort much. Stressed that we won’t have anywhere sorted by the time little one arrives.

Hi OP.
Sounds like a horrible situation and I can’t offer any advice on the house front but as nothing useful ever happens on a weekend in these cases, could you and your partner go away for a little weekend break with a no house discussion pact?

Give yourself a rest from the stresses. It doesn’t sound easy, but you'll get there

Your stress pours out of every word of your posts. I feel very, very sorry for you, nothing within this situation is within your control. You can fight that and cause yourself even greater stress or accept it and go with the flow, it would be better for your mental health to try to do the latter.

Your seller isn't going to back out, it would take for ever in the current market to find another buyer so she'd gain nothing. This will all get sorted eventually but there's nothing you can do to hurry it up.

On a practical level I'd suggest forgetting the home birth and the work on the house. Have your baby in the MLU. Move house when you can and have the work done next summer when you can have doors and windows open without freezing and go out easily to escape the mess and noise.

When I read your first post I was concerned about the amount of pressure you were putting on yourselves and it's got worse. Be kind to yourselves, everything will be fine in the end and when you look at your baby's face for the first time you won't care about any of this.

Worry about that what you can change and take back some sense of control over things in your gift instead of sitting in blind panic.
As someone says the baby will come when the baby will come. Maybe book in for a midwife led birth centre or hospital birth so you have a definite. Lots of planned home births are cancelled due to midwifery shortages and lots of first time mothers home births result in transfer - particularly in highly strung and stressed women. A wound up mother doesn’t help the birth process.
We moved when I was 39 weeks with my second. It was very odd and the house was left mainly unpacked for a couple of weeks but we all survived.

Thanks guys. I'm actually okay, though I know my post doesn't sound it - I'm just venting as it helps get it out of my head! We will be fine in the flat and are just assuming we'll have the baby here, so I'm making it ready.

At this point we're just concerned about potentially losing our new house - that's the thing that's the big worry. And I'm concerned about DH as he is really stressing about this. And I'm just very pregnant and tired, so not best at communicating. Finish up work tomorrow though thank god.

We're in a good spot of the country for home births so I'm going to stick with that for now and use our flat as the address - I've been reading Ina May and Im not scared about the birth itself. if the time comes I will transfer in to our local excellent hospital which is 5 mins away - it will all be fine.

It's really good to hear people think it's unlikely our new house person will pull out - it's just we can't tell her any likely timings which is the risk. I know she didn't have any other offers anyway.

We moved and renovated while I was pregnant/ with a new born. Packing at 38/39weeks was very slow. Book a cleaner to do the flat when you move out and a cleaner for the new house when it’s finished, this was part of my present from my mum for the new baby!

I completely understand your frustration. All the other pregnant mothers were nesting, painting nurserys, etc, while we were up to the eyeballs in building works and mess, and living with my MiL. But you will get through it, and it will be worth it in the end. (I did find this hard to believe at times sat in a heap and crying in the dust, but it is true.)

Lots of luck with the move/sale and your new baby.

I just wanted to say hello to you and it will all be fine, whatever happens. I was in full nesting flow last year when at 36 weeks pregnant we had a major major water leak which destroyed our bedroom and made it completely unusable. We made the decision not to even think about redecoration till after the baby was born.

It was kind of relaxing just letting go of the attempt to control my environment and just say what will be will be, we have a home and a hospital nearby and all will be fine if not perhaps as I had seen it in my hormonal mind's eye.

When we did come home from the hospital we unbelievably came home to a second massive leak at the other end of the flat, completely unrelated, which messed the bathroom up and meant we had no water at all for about half a day and then only cold water, in the bathroom, and no hot water at all, for about four days.

It was all totally out of the blue but almost like a lesson in surrendering because fundamentally, everything was OK, if you know what I mean?

Also - again I know there's a lot of emphasis placed on home births etc but remember those videos they show you in hypnobirthing are massively edited.

If you are stressed about your home for whatever reason then just go to hospital for the birth where they have pools already set up and are set up to look after you!! One less thing to worry about.

Yy to a “lesson in surrendering”. When you have a newborn you’ll v likely find it easier to let go of the stress about the house - your priorities change in an instant. Of course you may replace it with stress about feeding/pooping etc!