AIBU to think he's making her ignore me?

[Jenkicksass]

Just looking for some advice I think, and to see what you all would do...

Best friend and I have known each other since uni (10 years or so). Last year she got married, and I planned her hen do, was MoH etc. The year previous to that I got married and she did the same for me. Lots of WhatsApp chats, very friendly and lots of interaction. She's always been very honest, blunt and direct, but since she's been married she's fallen off the face of the planet. Her new husband has always been controlling and a complete arse, and I don't like him, but I have never given any hint of this and certainly have never spoken to her about my opinions as I don't feel it's my place unless she asks for my advice.

My DD's first birthday is next week, and she never acknowledged on the group chat I set up to invite people any messages I sent, so I messaged her 1-1 and asked if she was attending. Her response was no, as they have her husband's youngest daughter with them that weekend and so can't come. I was very upset, but just said that's a shame and left it at that.

Having gone back through our messages i realised that I've been the one messaging her for nearly 9 months with one message replies from her. Knowing her husband's an arse I wanted her to know that I'm there if she wants to talk as she admitted after she got married she didn't know if she'd made a huge mistake. We last met up in January.

I should point out she has no children of her own, has no plans to have children and considers all children to be 'little shits' (her words) so can understand why she wouldn't want to attend my DDs party, but why on earth would you use having a child to look after as an excuse not to attend a children's birthday party?

So, wise mumsnetters, what's my next move? And am I right in thinking that maybe he's behind all this?? Or is our friendship just over and I'm kidding myself?

If your friend is being controlled by her husband it'll be important for her to know you're there for her. Could you arrange to meet for a coffee or drinks, her choice of date, time and venue?

If she doesn't have, like or want children then maybe she just feels she has less in common with you in the last 12 months. Some people go completely baby bonkers when they have children and talk about absolutely nothing else. Could that be it? Try and see her without the baby and without mentioning the baby???

I would try and check in with her every so often and send birthday and christmas cards. Let her know your thete for her without being too full on basically.

It could be 1 of 2 things

1. she's not a person who enjoys spending time with children and so is by her choice distancing herself from you and potentially others who have them. Is there a difference when you plan things without your Dd to with? What are the texts like are they general catch up how's work ect or more specific to things in your life? Dose she have many friends with kids? What is she like with those friends?

2. she's pulling away because her husband isn't a fan of yours.

Either way I would take a step back leave her to make contact see if she suggests anything! She may well be in a tough spot but she needs to see that for herself you can'tmsje her and you can't have a relationship if only one of you is trying! See what she dose and if she's ready you can always be there for her if she wants but not keep on trying when you aren't getting anything back it's not healthy and it will lead to you being hurt/resentful if she ever does need you

Agree with Helly. Be there so that she knows you're still there for her but accept the friendship has changed.

Thanks guys.
It's a tough one as she's not messaging me at all, and it used to be that we spoke all the time. I'm very aware of her stance on children, so try to keep the baby chat to a bare minimum and focus on other things like work, gossip etc when we do talk.
With regards to meeting up, I bought her and I tickets to a concert for her birthday (£75!) for a band we both love and she pulled out at the last minute saying she couldn't get time off work and too far to drive. That was again really upsetting. I might reach out one more time and see if she wants to meet up. Writing this has made me aware that her husband is still a bastard and I should try and be a good friend...

@Jenkicksass re the concert- if she is in a relationship with a controlling man he may have made her life so miserable about going that it was easier for her to cancel and piss you off than go, if that makes sense. I know we may all be reading too much into it and maybe she genuinely has lost interest in the friendship but it seems odd to me as you two were so close.

Could you let her know husband and his daughter are also welcome to come to your DD's party? Then try and arrange another time to see her alone?