to ask how to separate from my husband

[TotHappy]

Much backstory (and several other threads) but in a nutshell, living with my husband is stressing me out.

He's an alcoholic imo, at the least a heavy drinker. When drunk rather than falling asleep he gets an excess of energy and does projects at home. Sometimes t's just huge cleaning/reorganising cupboards which is stressful because he doesn't finish/leaves shit all over the place / wakes me up/ throws my stuff away/ ruins clothes in the wash. But worse is that lately he's started on diy.

We have an extension adjoining the kitchen. A window and door are in the old external wall of the kitchen, so separating the two rooms. We'd talked about maybe knocking through one day but don't have the money. Last week he knocked the window out while i was away. It looked shit, splintered wooden frame and i found bits of glass he'd missed on clear up.
I was calm, but said we shouldn't do any more now as we can't afford to finish the job, but should probably just tidy up the frame as it looked so shit. He agreed.

I had another night away and came back to find he'd wrenched all the woodwork away, chiselling loads of plaster off the wall on the extension side and exposing the brick work of the old external wall (two lines of bricks with a cavity between). It looks like shit, and i said so, but didn't say much more other than please don't do any more to it, please. He'd made no effort to clearr up that time either, wood and plaster was everywhere. He did it the next day.

Anyway, sorry, that was meant to be just an example but got long winded... The point is, I cant go out, or go to bed, without wondering what I'm going to come home to or see in the morning. Yesterday it was just bits of flaked off paint all over the kitchen floor and counters - he'd decided to remove the paint from kitchen walls. Again, this is a thing we have agreed but he doesn't clear up when he gets tired and, more annoyingly, doesn't even clear things out of the way. I mean there were paint flakes adorning the pepper, salt and herbs that we keep on the counter and floating in a saucepan I'd left to soak. I have constant fear of what I'm going to find when i get home. The window freaked me out the most because he has no training or knowledge in building, electrics, or anything else and if he could do that, i don't trust him not to do something more extreme, like attacking the wall next. Our daughter sleeps above.
I've been going to Al-Anon for three weeks, and I'm trying to distance myself, not let his problems be my problems, etc etc but they ARE my problems... I just want to feel like my home is a safe place I can retreat to, not somewhere I'm on edge and the unexpected and chaotic is always happening. I feel unsafe. I've cone close to walking out before but we'd have to go to my parents (me and dd) which is far from ideal for her and I also don't want to put myself at risk of losing the house in a divorce because I've moved out. I'm a sahm and money is very tight. I want this house to live in without him - at least for a while, just so i can get a bit of peace and take stock calmly, without being stressed out of my mind. The deposit for this house was put up solely by me and I am the primary carer. It would be far, far easier for him to get another place than me or dd. I don't want to cede him the house while we move out. I'm frankly worried that if I do go to my parents for a while, the place might be trashed in a way that would seriously diminish it's value by the time I return. But I don't think I can carry on like this. I've been trying, but I don't think I can.

What should I do?? Move out and risk the house being wrecked? Will that put me in a weak position to claim for the house in the event of divorce? I don't think he will leave, he will just get chippy and say why should he, he won't want to leave dd etc.

Sorry for the essay.

Anyone?

Didn't want to read and run, can't you have. Conversation with him when he's sober and tell him your fear and ask him to move out while he gets treatment? His behaviour isn't normal and you're re clearly worried about what effect it could have in your DD. If he won't leave can you get his parents on side? Not sure what else to suggest tbh. I would suggest you think about going back to work so that you have a fall back plan if he refuses to seek help.

Imo you need family law advice asap from a good family solicitor who can advise you properly. There is a free helpline called rights of women, have a Google. The CAB are also very helpful. Keep posting here, you may get more response in relationships. Wishing you all the best

Thank you both so much for replying.

He does refuse to get help. He recently said that he wants to stop (drinking) but suggested he doesn't need any help. Which makes me thinks he's unlikely to actually change.
I wanted to try to talk to him about how I felt yesterday eve but he was drinking, then went out in a mood and didn't come back till 1. Might try again tonight.

I think you definitely need to sit down and tell him EXACTLY how you’re feeling, when he’s sober.

When you mention about going to AA for 3 weeks? Is that help for you regarding your dh? Sorry, don’t know how these things work.

With regards to the drinking, does he admit he has a problem? That’s the first step, the next is he has to be the one who wants to stop.

The issues seem to stem from his drinking. What’s he like without a drink? Does he have these manic diy episodes when he doesn’t drink?

My only experience with a similar situation was my DF who used to drink in excess when we were children. His mood changed when he drank and we never knew what we were coming home to. He wasn’t violent but his mood was unbearable at times.

Your house should be your haven and I totally understand how it must feel wondering what awaits you each time you return.

I hope you get some help and support. Have you any rl friends or family who know what’s going on?

Yes, my friends and family do know. I'm sure my parents will let me stay, but I'm sure I'd still be worrying what he's doing to the house. What i want is to feel safe for a while so i can get my thoughts together about if we have a future.

He has admitted occasionally that he knows he drinks too much. Last week he randomly said to me that he wants to stop drinking, he's fed up of making himself, me and dd unhappy. That felt pike a breakthrough but he hasn't stopped drinking and like i say, when i asked if he thought he should go to gp or someone, he said no. He has never admitted he is an alcoholic.

AA is for alcoholics and Al-Anon is for the family and friends of alcoholics. They don't give advice as such but it's been useful to have a,place I can vent and people understand. But I want to be able to feel safe at home. I'm really struggling not being able to, e.g. Trying to stay up until he's asleep so i can percent more craziness. I'm exhausted.

*prevent

Sometimes you can be too understanding of another persons problems! It doesn't sound like he fully appreciates what he is going to loose by continuing in this way. I think you probably need to tell him bluntly that you've had enough, you are at the end of your patience and he needs to leave and sort himself out before you can move forward as a couple (if you still wanted to). Your dd and you both deserve better than you are getting at the moment. Do think about getting back to work as well. It will give you choices and options rather than feeling so trapped by the situation and is good for your self worth.

What a horrible situation for you. Helpful as MNers want to be, you really need legal advice. I don't know how you can make somebody leave a house but a solicitor really is the best person to advise you.

Have you told your husband that you want him to leave? How old is your DD? Is getting a job an option or does she have special needs that prevent this?

Thanks so much. I suppose I just want a handhold really. I know I have to talk to him and I hate confrontation so much. I expect him to react badly and say that I'm over reacting,he's trying to do things to improve the house and working at night after he's been at work all day and I'm ungrateful, unreasonable and controlling. He doesn't seem to see that the manic sit is just mess and driving me mad with stress. If i say I'm stressed by it, he just sees it as my problem and i need to relax and unclench. So although i want to sit with him later today and say, 'I really struggle with you doing things around the house that I'm not expecting, can we fix this together?' I'm expecting a negative response. Is he right? Am i reasonable to expect this not to happen?

To answer your questions MsVestibule, dd is 2, no SEN, so I could have gone back full time and put her in nursery, but neither I nor him think that's best at this age. I work very part time (9.5 h/wk) from home around her naps. If he did move out permanently, I would find something else, obviously, and make it work financially.

Doing things the way he is isn't helpful and you are not unreasonable to be upset to come down and find shards of glass everywhere because he decided to do something when he was drunk. It is highly ridiculous to present that this is normal behaviour and extremely dangerous for him to be doing things when he is under the influence. Tell him it's your house too and he isn't to do anything without you both first deciding what you want done and never when he's been drinking.

Talk to him about how you feel. If that doesn’t work (it wont because he’s an alcoholic who isn’t really addressing the problem), then go to a solicitor. You can seek a divorce with him in situ and they’ll help get him out though it will be awkward for a while. Keep a good record of everything he does/says/proof of his drinking.