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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To as how you help your children cope with the loss of a pet....

15 replies

LokiBear · 30/08/2018 20:33

I had to have my lovely, 12 year old cat put to sleep yesterday. She went from seemingly fine, to very quiet and off her food in the space of about 2 weeks. She had lost weight and I knew it was probably going to be bad news because over the bank holiday lumps appeared all over her body and she insisted on sitting outside on her beanbag, refusing to come inside the house. I think she knew. I didnt want to upset my 7 year old dd before I knew for sure, so told her that our cat was poorly and old, and that the vet would tell me what we needed to do to help her. I told her that if we could buy medicine, we would, but if the vet said she was in pain and couldnt help her, then the vet would give her a special medicine to stop her pain and let her die. I talked through the rainbow bridge. Although upset, dd seemed to understand. When the time came to take her to the vet, I got dd to help me get her ready. She chose the banket to line the carrier with, gave the cat a hug and kiss but stayed at home eith dh whilst I took the cat to the vet. When I came home without the cat, I told dd the cat was just too poorly but and the kind vet had stopped her pain and she had died. Dd howeled like she'd been physically hurt. It was horrific. She just fell apart completely and was inconsolable. She was understanding of why our poor cat had to be pts, but it is the first loss she has ever had to deal with and she is really struggling. Sge cried for hours yesterday and it has beem the same today. Im going to take her to the pet memorial garden to say goodbye but I really do not know what else to do to help her. We have had a crap few weeks with my dad being seriously ill and then being told he has cancer. Although Ive sheided dd from the details, she knows somethinh isnt right and I am really worried about her. Any advice on how to handle this is very much appreciated. Im scared ive done the wrong thing so far if im honest.

OP posts:
Hufflefloof · 30/08/2018 20:37

Could you buy her a lovely cat ornament, or a pretty frame with a photo of the cat, so she has something to remember her by? My boys were distraught when our lovely old dog was put to sleep, I think it’s just a case of time, and letting them get it out of their system. Sorry for your loss Flowers It’s hard on you too x

ludothedog · 30/08/2018 20:47

I'm sorry for your loss.
Talk frequently about your cat, let your d's know that it's ok to talk about her and it's ok to be sad. Let her know that you are sad too.
It sounds to me that you have done everything so far.

BarbarianMum · 30/08/2018 20:47

Give her time. She's grieving and that's totally normal. Plenty of opportunities to talk about the cat and let her tell you how upset she is (dont try too hard to jolly her along or brush past it).

MoodyMumOfOne · 30/08/2018 20:48

I think you have dealt with this so well and so sorry for the family's loss. Sadly when such things occur, we simply can't avoid the inevitable upset. All I can suggest is that you allow her to express her feelings, and talk to you about the cat but at the same time, keep her busy and plan some fun things for her to look forward to and enjoy. As children tend to do, your DD is likely to bounce back fairly quickly. Best wishes to you all Flowers

Twotailed · 30/08/2018 20:51

Your poor, sweet girl. And poor you - it sounds like you’ve done a wonderful job with devastating news.

There is a lovely book called Badger’s Parting Gifts - I wonder if that would help her come to terms with the loss? It might be a little young for her is the only thing.

beepbeeprichie · 30/08/2018 20:54

Badger’s Parting Gifts is excellent, agree with Twotailed. There is also Goodnight Mog which is about Mog dying. I cannot read either of these books to DC without a lump and a crying headache. The Mog one was helpful when our cat died. My DD was absolutely distraught. I had to deal with my own grief, but not being able to console her was worse. My sympathies OP x

Coffeeisnecessary · 30/08/2018 20:58

The Mog book is excellent although does promote the idea of a new kitten so maybe only worth reading that one if you are happy to be pushed into buying a new kitten?! Sounds like you've dealt with it all very well. Sorry for your loss, and hope your dad is OK.

KindergartenKop · 30/08/2018 20:59

She's 7 and she's obviously sensitive and loved her cat so it's completely natural that she'll be upset. Let her see that you are upset too and as someone said, talk about all the nice things about her. The way she deals with this will help her learn how to deal with losses later in life, this is one of the most valuable things pets give to us.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 30/08/2018 21:14

Our elderly cat (about 17yo) jad to e PTS when the DC were 5 and 3.

They helped did a hole and get a cotton bag (I couldn't just put her in a binbag , she went in a cotton bag then the binbag)

They saw her when she was still warm, not scary at all but I had to be really careful to not let them associate needles and injections with death.

How the dickens I;m going to cope when DD beloved male guinea pig dies though................ I keep warning him not to pop his clogs when she has exams !

marriedwithhounds · 30/08/2018 21:15

Sorry to hear about your cat, OP 💐

LokiBear · 30/08/2018 21:24

Thank you all and thank you for the recommendations of books. I'll have a look into them. Its so hard. To be honest, it is my first time losing a pet as a grown up and I feel a bit knocked for six. I stayed with my lovely girl and held her has the vet administered the anaesthetic. Although it humane, incredibly quick and peaceful, it was still a shock to see the light go out in her eyes. I think dd will want another cat eventually but it is far too raw at the minute so I might hold off on the Mog book for now. Thank you again.

OP posts:
AGirlinLondon · 30/08/2018 21:40

You did an amazing job here OP - not just for your LO but losing an animal you love is so hard. Our dog is a little older than he once was and I think about this every day.

We always had pets as young kids and my parents were open, honest and answered our questions. When we were a tiny bit older we also saw them once they had passed away and were allowed to touch them and say goodbye. I’m sure it’s given us a positive attitude to death as adults.

agnurse · 30/08/2018 21:53

You did a fabulous job OP.

I think your daughter's reaction is completely normal, for two reasons. First of all, even as an adult, I think there's a difference between understanding that a pet has to be put to sleep and actually taking the pet to the vet and walking out of there without it. Secondly, children develop an understanding that death is permanent at about age 9. It's quite possible that she understood theoretically what you were talking about, but it didn't really hit her until you walked through the door with no cat. This doesn't mean that you didn't prepare her adequately. It just means that cognitively she's not at an age where she's able to grasp the concept yet.

Definitely agree that books can be helpful. I have not read the ones suggested so cannot speak to them. You might also like to frame a picture of the cat or make another special memorial, such as a paw print in clay with the cat's name written above it.

AvocadosBeforeMortgages · 30/08/2018 22:00

If the cat hasn't already been buried, could she help you to decorate a box coffin for the cat, and select some things for her to be buried with such as a favourite blanket and toy?

Catzpyjamas · 30/08/2018 22:04

It sounds like you're doing everything right for your DD. There's good advice about helping children with the loss of a pet on the Blue Cross website .
Flowers

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