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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How to tell DM and DF

22 replies

goodnightwendy · 30/08/2018 19:56

Long story short, SS are insisting I tell my parents about 2 recent suicide attempts. If I don't, they say they have no choice but to put my DD under child protection and consider court proceedings. Not because of my parenting or because of the attempts themselves, but because I won't tell my parents (my support network). I am very open with SS and MH teams. I'm newly 18

I have until 9am to make my choice. Family meeting on Monday. I haven't seen DF since February and had hardly any contact. With previous attempts he would ignore me for weeks and during in-patient care wouldnt talk to me until I gotta my discharge date. DM reacts angrilly and yells and calls me selfish, etc. I've been diagnosed with PTSD (on top of previous MH issues) due to an assault in July and I'm in a very bad place right now. I'm having nightmares and it's constantly in my head. I just want to escape it. Having the stress from my parents too is too much to handle right now but I don't have a choice.

How do I tell them. And when it inevitably blows up in my face, any coping mechanisms would be much appreciated too...

TIA

OP posts:
Original poster
goodnightwendy · 30/08/2018 19:57

Wow im an idiot - the AIBU part was AIBU not telling them? SS seems to think so?

OP posts:
ThatFridayFeeling · 30/08/2018 19:59

This sounds very unreasonable. Have you spoken to your sw manager? Doesn't sound like your parents are a my kind of support network to me

hidinginthenightgarden · 30/08/2018 20:05

Have you explained that they are not your support network? Or is the problem that you told them they were your support network in the face of no other person to name, in order to get your daughter off the register?

Original poster
goodnightwendy · 30/08/2018 20:05

I havent, they only called me at around 4. I'm freaking out. My parents are really difficult to open up to. They get mad when I try and open up to them, and then get mad when I don't and I go over the edge.

OP posts:
hidinginthenightgarden · 30/08/2018 20:06

Could you email your parents? Do SS want to speak to them to make sure you have told or would you sending an email but them not reading it be sufficient?

Original poster
goodnightwendy · 30/08/2018 20:06

I have explained that in these situations theyre more supportive if they don't know. I have my fiance and his mum who are both supportive and both aware of what happened so it's not like I'm keeping it entirely to myself.

OP posts:
VanillaBeans · 30/08/2018 20:07

You poor thing Flowers

Your life sounds very difficult but unfortunately there is an innocent little child in the midst of all this. Someone very close to me lost both parents to suicide, one as a baby and the other as a young adult. Both the deaths and the fact that they took their own lives has shaken them for life and they have deep seated issues and guilt over it.

However, me telling you you need to focus on your daughter does not change the fact that you are suicidal. What an awful place to be; SS are right in that you do need help and support. Just tell your parents, but also explain to your SW that your parents are not supportive and are detrimental to your mental health.

If you work with SS and are honest with them then I really think they can offer you support. If you can show that you are willing to do what they say, even if there won’t be a positive outcome with your parents from it, then hopefully you can continue to show you are willing to work with them and willing to do all the things it takes to protect your child from everyone, including yourself.

I’ve seen a similarly themed thread recently and my heart truly goes out to both the mothers and the children in situations like these. I do hope you can carry on and seek support. Please speak to someone, anyone - Samaritans, mumsnet, RL connections, anyone.

Is your mum reacting like this because she is terrified that you’re suicidal and doesn’t know how to react or has your relationship always be difficult? Claims of selfishness are fairly common towards people with suicidal thoughts and although I understand, it serves as no help whatsoever to the person dealing with these awful feelings. I hope you can keep talking - how old is your DD? What do you want to happen with her?

I am sorry you are going through all this, truly.

Original poster
goodnightwendy · 30/08/2018 20:08

They want to discuss it in a meeting which my family will be at on Monday so sadly not @hidinginthenightgarden

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VanillaBeans · 30/08/2018 20:11

Sorry I cross posted a lot.

I have to say this sounds strange. You have a partner and are close with his mum but this isn’t enough? Who do you live with? Unless there is more going on I can’t see why they’d be going straight to court proceedings. What about your fiancé? Would he not have the right to parental responsibility if you were deemed unfit to look after your DD?

Original poster
goodnightwendy · 30/08/2018 20:12

I don't think my mum has bad intentions, I think it's just she blames herself (which is also why I don't like talking to her about it) due to things that happened as a child that she didn't know about. Dad's just very stubborn and doesn't understand so acts like it doesn't exist.

I'm going to tell them as I don't really have much option but I have no clue how to even begin to

OP posts:
anappleadaykeeps · 30/08/2018 20:14

What is the Family Meeting on Monday?

Original poster
goodnightwendy · 30/08/2018 20:15

It's all a huge mess at the moment - that's what the meeting is hoping to clear up but they insist I'm completely honest with my family. I'm living with DD (10m) and my fiance, have been since last May.

DF has practically no involvement. Haven't seen him since Feb and he's moving abroad in October. DM is a support network in a way. But only on the happy days which ATM are few and far between.

OP posts:
Oobis · 30/08/2018 20:16

Do you have an alternative support network you can open up to? It's unreasonable for SS to dictate who supports you. If you're stressed about this disclosure, maybe a close friend, other relative etc would suffice?
You sound pretty switched on by the way. You've clearly had your issues but you're undefeated, a loving mum and I hope that you can acknowledge to yourself that you're doing a good job. Keep at it 😊

Original poster
goodnightwendy · 30/08/2018 20:17

I think it's called a family group conference. I've never had one but it was a meeting arranged by SS which were required to attend.

OP posts:
VanillaBeans · 30/08/2018 20:20

Surely they can’t start court proceedings (although admittedly not sure what that means - I assumed court proceedings to remove DD from your care) if you live with your fiancé? Is he the father of your child?

Original poster
goodnightwendy · 30/08/2018 20:20

Thank you @oobis and everyone else. I'm trying to keep on top of things. It's just all gone crazy recently. I only really have my fiance and his mum but they're really helpful. But SS still won't accept it. They say my family can't help if they don't know. But they won't if they do know so what difference does it make other than burning bridges.

OP posts:
Original poster
goodnightwendy · 30/08/2018 20:23

@vanillabeans no he isn't. We were together, but me being a stupid teenager i made a drunken mistake. I've been very honest about it with him and we have moved past that, but I will never forgive myself. The guy doesn't want involvement. Fiance treats her like his own.

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DontStopMeNow99 · 30/08/2018 20:25

I'm very surprised that your parents don't already know anything. I'm a social worker and have arranged numerous family group conferences. An independent family group conference coordinator would have been assigned to you and would have to meet or at least speak with all family members prior to the conference. The reasons fir the conference would have been written by the social worker and they should have sought your consent to share these concerns with family me,beers prior to conference. No one should go to conference without prior knowing the concerns.

The social workers must be very worried about you and your daughter to be considering thus meeting.

Racecardriver · 30/08/2018 20:27

I would get over and done with. Don't indulge their response. Just say it and then tell them you can discuss it further at the meeting.

queenworkerbee · 30/08/2018 20:36

I would do everything in your power to cooperate with SS but make it clear to them that you have a support network outside your parents.
Sending you so many virtual hugs right now, MH issues are bad enough without the threat of you losing your DD.
You're so young, I hope you get the help you need and go on to live a full and happy life with your DD. Flowers

FASH84 · 30/08/2018 20:42

Could your fiance help talk to them? I understand more why they want your family to know now, than in your other thread, it's because your fiance isn't your child's parent, and so his mum isn't technically a grandparent either, although a great source of support, if you split up (not saying you would) you'd lose a lot of support quickly, and I guess because you are quite young they think parental support is important (I'm really not being patronising sorry if it comes across that way). Hopefully your SW can help mediate and support your parents to effectively support you if they know what's been happening.

slkk · 30/08/2018 20:52

Can you get PR for your fiancé so that ss see there is another person she can be with even if ss have concerns about your mental health?
If her natural father is not on birth certificate he does not have PR so you can give it to fiancé easily.

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