To give zero ground to DMiL on this one issue?

[Concerned18]

NC as I regularly contribute to other threads on MN. Don't want this to be outing, but am very conscious of drip-feeding, so will do my best to give all the relevant information. I'm also very aware that this will turn into an essay, so apologies in advance.

DH has been no contact with his sister (my SiL) for around 18 months.

SiL has had alcohol related issues for a number of years.

She's been horrendously verbally abusive to all of us. She has made some horrendous and provably untrue allegations about her eldest brother (DBiL) which nearly cost him his job. She has had countless run-ins with the police. She has a criminal record for drugs offences, and countless other fines and warnings for anti-social behaviour. She has been known to turn up at DMiL's, DBiL's, or our previous property at all hours of the morning, hurling abuse through the letterbox until someone l calls the police.

She has previously been to rehab, and left after the first session on the first day. She has gone to therapy, to a psychologist, to AA... you name it, she has gone to it. But it hasn't made much difference. Recently things have been quiet with SiL, but that is only as she's recently lost her job and doesn't have the money to pay for her alcohol.

Anyway... the only person to have stood by her is her mother (my DMiL). She has been through the ringer with her, but has always done her best to support her. Sometimes this has meant she has enabled her behaviour, but she does her best.

Recently, DH and I moved into our first property together (previously in rental due to saving for good deposit). DH and I made it clear to DMiL that we were not happy with SiL knowing where we live, as we wanted a fresh start away from the drama. This is particularly important for DH, who has dealt with this for most of his life and it has severely affected his MH - he has anxiety, panic attacks, etc. - but is also important for me, as I've had to deal with a fair bit of stress caused by SiL over the years. There's just too much water under the bridge now, and SiL does not own or take any responsibility for her behaviour or the pain she has caused.

However, DMiL thinks we are being unfair. She has said that SiL is "better" and that being involved with decorating her house would be cathartic and "give her something to focus on" following her loss of employment. She has already gone against our express wishes by telling SiL about the house, but says she has not told her where it is. DMiL, who I have an absolutely amazing relationship with, has asked me to try and convince DH that it would be for the best to allow SiL back into his life. I refused, on the basis that it's his decision and his alone, and I would support him in whatever he needs / wants to do. It has caused a bit of a tiff, with DMiL unhappy and worried that by telling SiL about our wishes, she'll tip her over the edge again.

AIBU for not giving any ground here?

Whilst I don't think SiL being around will bring any good, I would never stop DH from having a relationship with her if that's what he wants.

If anyone has managed to get through the end of my version of War & Peace(!) and thinks they could put my mind at ease, I'm very appreciative in advance ❤️

@LightDrizzle, oh how I hear you. It was drugs with my brother too. Stealing from my mum. Violence against me a few times. But, when he was occasionally the baby brother I grew up with I adored him. Eventually that part of him disappeared and he lost the spark that had made him him. He died of pneumonia which was HIV related and there was almost relief because it was always going to happen, but my god the sadness and the guilt! My mother had died a couple of years earlier and I was grateful that she didn't live to see it. I moved far away from London about a decade prior to it because being in the midst of it all the time was playing havoc with my mental health.

It's all so bloody heartbreaking.

YANBU. Not in the slightest.

You need to safeguard yourselves and your family. Your relationship with SIL is NONE of MIL's business.

It sounds as if MIL is extremely co-dependent. TBH, based on what you've described, I almost wonder if part of it is she wants to use you and DH as meat shields. If SIL has someone else to pick on it won't always fall back on MIL.

You and DH might like to consider Al-Anon if you haven't already. This is an organization based on AA that is for people who are affected by a loved one's drinking. (I think MIL would benefit from attending, too, but I'm not sure that I'd tell her that in your position.)

YANBU and I'd be telljng your MIL if she thought it would benefit SIL thst much let her decorate her bloody house instead!

YANBU. It would be very wrong of you to try and convince your DH to do something which will damage his mental health. Of course if he, of his own free will, decided to see his sister you should support him but you've said you're prepared to do that anyway.

Oh @LightDrizzle. My heart goes out to you. You are so right - I had read previously about people's experiences with unpredictable and volatile family members, but when you watch someone you love go through the pain it can bring, and you experience it in a less intense way through your relationship with them, it is beyond any imagining.

@CrossFlannelCherry - yes, DMiL knows our new address. Like I've said before, I have a really wonderful relationship with her overall. I don't have the stereotypical MiL - DiL dynamic with her usually. This is just the one thing we cross wires on. As you say, it's heartbreaking for her, but we need to protect ourselves and the family unit we are trying to build.

I think it's important to say that DH is not against ever having a relationship with SiL. He just isn't ready to open those channels up yet, not unless he sees that she is willing to make the necessary changes to her life and make amends for her past behaviour. He knows that it may never happen and she may never be better, and whilst that saddens him, he has to put himself first, most importantly, but also our marriage and any future DC we may have.