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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have bought the homeless guy food?

16 replies

Sandsnake · 30/08/2018 17:30

Really pissed with myself and not sure if I did the right thing. Would appreciate perspective.

DH out for dinner tonight so decided to buy myself sushi as a treat from takeaway place at the station. As I was about to go in, a man accosted me and said he was homeless and would I buy some food for him to share with his brother? I was blindsided and dithered saying I didn’t have much time before my train (true). He said he knew what he wanted already and that it wouldn’t take long then proceeded to go into the shop and order it. He then accompanied me whilst I picked out my food and to the till. When the server (who I get the impression may have seen this before) asked if I was OK with it I confirmed that I would pay for his food. The man was fairly polite but really assertive / forceful about it. I do not think he would have taken me refusing to pay well at all.

I am now on the train feeling really uneasy about it. I feel that the man preyed on the fact that I was a woman on my own. His food was close to double the cost of mine. I could have refused - I am resilient enough to. But I just couldn’t do with the harassment that I’m sure I would have got if I had. There’s also the guilt element of the fact that if I can afford to buy myself sushi as a treat then of course I can afford to buy a homeless guy a hot meal.

However, I know that me having ‘given in’ will mean that he is likely to do it again - maybe next time though to someone more vulnerable than me who feels that they genuinely can’t refuse. I care about the homeless and give to homelessness charities / have offered to buy homeless people food before. However, the coercion involved has made me feel really uneasy and a bit pissed off about it. Did I do the wrong thing? Interested in thoughts.

OP posts:
glintandglide · 30/08/2018 17:32

I don’t think you did the wrong thing really, I think it was pretty unfair on you and sounds like you felt very pressured. Obviously it would’ve been nicer if it never happened

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 30/08/2018 17:33

I can understand how you would feel pushed into doing this and I don't like the sound of it at all. I would like to think that I would have said no in the same situation, but put on the spot, I'm not sure. It's wrong what he did.

Clairetree1 · 30/08/2018 17:34

I offer to buy food for any homeless person I come across.

however, I would not like to be manipulated like this, and would probably refuse in these circumstances

Finfintytint · 30/08/2018 17:36

They are called aggressive beggars in our town and I would not assist in this way. Maybe a sandwich or a portion of chips but he is taking the piss and must do so frequently.

IrishDadof2 · 30/08/2018 17:39

It sounds very close to a criminal offence, although there's not a lot to do if you went along with it. You need to be firm with these scumbags. Next time just don't make eye contact and ignore them.

PorkFlute · 30/08/2018 17:39

If you’re hungry then I guess you do what you have to to get fed. I think you did the right thing to buy him the food.

crazycatgal · 30/08/2018 17:42

I don't like how pushy the man was to you. I'm a student and don't have much money and sometimes my DP will transfer some money to me so that I can treat myself for dinner, I would not have had enough money to pay for the pushy man's food.

I would happily spend a couple of pounds on some food for someone homeless if I had the money but I would not like to be pushed into buying an expensive meal for someone. Some people feel unable to say no and might be pushed into spending money that they can't afford.

Racecardriver · 30/08/2018 17:42

You didn't do anything wrong. The homeless chap however did.

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 30/08/2018 17:44

PorkFlute, but it's not ok to harass people on the street to get what you want, let alone women on their own who could feel extremely intimidated. Going into the shop with the person and ordering your food which cost more than the OP's is a step too far.

WorraLiberty · 30/08/2018 17:46

I'd email the shop's head office and report it to them, so they can deal with him.

Aggressive begging is not on and ultimately it will lose them customers.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 30/08/2018 17:47

It’s a scam tactic which preys on most people’s discomfort when dealing with confrontational people. I have been approached in fast food places in the past by aggressive ‘come on you can afford it’ types, it just pisses me off. Their reduced circumstances could have pushed them to this behaviour, it could just be a cheeky fucker, either way I say no. I offset any guilt by having a direct debit with a homeless charity.

Timeforabiscuit · 30/08/2018 17:49

I got "pressurised" too, its a tactic that only works on a person once in my opinion, if they tried it again theyd get a straight no.

I got burnt paying more than i would do on myself,

Sometimes I wish I had my husbands "get to fuck" face, saves alot of hassle.

PUGaLUGS · 30/08/2018 17:51

I would be really hesitant to buy someone food that accosted me like that.

I do however always offer to get the homeless a hot/cold drink and something to eat if I am in town and to be fair they are really grateful especially if you stop and have a chat too.

BUT, I would think of it this way, whether he was homeless or not you have done a good deed.

Original poster
Sandsnake · 30/08/2018 17:53

Thanks everyone. Good to know that others would have felt similar. Still feel a bit annoyed - not helped by the fact that I’ve JUST LEFT MY BLOODY SUSHI ON THE TRAIN!! So all in all, that’s gone well for me...Grin

OP posts:
FASH84 · 30/08/2018 18:10

The town I used to work in had a number of similar aggressive beggars, due to my line of work I actually knew a lot of them, although they didn't necessarily know me as my team managed them directly. They would say they needed money for the shelter (I knew it operated on referrals from agencies only) or they needed money to get the bus to a shelter (it was in the middle of town), my first question would always be, who is your key worker? Probation, IOM, Social work? I work for x so can help you access travel warrants/food Bank vouchers/night shelter, often they would run because that wasn't what they really wanted, sometimes they'd say thank you, I'd call our reporting centre Tell them to expect Joe bloggs then give him directions how to walk there. I am willing to give to homeless people, I don't even care if they spend it on drugs, they are adults and it's not for me to control their choices, I only control my choice to give or not, but this kind of behaviour is manipulative and aggressive, and like you I wouldn't take kindly to it. The shop might not be able to do anything, but the local community police team will want to know, 101 can put you through to the right department

MoveOnTheCards · 30/08/2018 22:36

Was this by Farringdon station by any chance Sandsnake?

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