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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To use a childminder for year 7 DS?

30 replies

smithys · 30/08/2018 16:47

DS is just 11 and about to go into year 7.

Much to his chagrin, I've kept the childminder contract running and he will need to go there after school but feeling worried I should be trusting DS more. He can be brilliantly behaved, but he does have a diagnosis of ADHD and ODD and definitely isn't always well behaved (his main issue is arguing/being confrontational with others).

He's the only kid I know who's going to have a childminder in year 7, but other families I know either have a part time parent or a SAHM.

School finishes at 3.10, he could be home by 3.15 as we're close by. I don't get home until 5.45 and I felt it was too long on his own at the moment. AIBU?

OP posts:
ivenoideawhatimdoing · 30/08/2018 16:49

Try it for the first term and see how it goes, some kids grow up a hell of a lot from now until Christmas, others don’t if he is maturing in other areas, try dropping Tuesday and Thursday and see how he copes.

hibbledibble · 30/08/2018 16:50

Most parents wouldn't have childcare for a child this age, and most children wouldn't want to admit to their peers that they are still going to a childminder.

How does he feel about it? Can you agree a transition plan? What about after-school clubs (eg homework club, scouts, orchestra,l: whatever he enjoys)

continuallychargingmyphone · 30/08/2018 16:50

Erm I don’t know

it is unusual.

Hufflefloof · 30/08/2018 16:54

I saw an interesting chart online about adhd, and the effect it has on “executive age” ie the age the child functions at. Average for an adhd 11 yr old is executive age of approx 7.5yrs. Obviously varies by child, but you do have to consider that he’s not a typical 11 yr old. My child has SN and I very much doubt he’d be capable of managing on his own for over 2 hours every day at that age. Plus there’s the school holidays to consider. I would go with the childminder for now, but work on building up his independence to being left for short times, and see how he copes. Let him prove himself.

Bobbybobbins · 30/08/2018 16:57

Agree with the above comments - present it to him as an opportunity to prove how mature he is. Maybe drop down to 3/4 days after Christmas? Or maybe he will want to go to a friend's house occasionally or stay at school for a club? I have two children with SEN - don't worry about what everyone else is doing - you are doing what is right for your son.

Original poster
smithys · 30/08/2018 17:24

DS is not impressed! Both at the prospect of being the only one of his peers with a childminder, and at having to be around lots of other, younger children after school rather than coming home to his own space.

OP posts:
continuallychargingmyphone · 30/08/2018 17:28

Don’t you think that could make his behaviour worse? I mean, he’s your son, so you know best but that would be my worry.

PhilomenaButterfly · 30/08/2018 17:30

DD's 11 in a couple of weeks and going into year 6. No way would I trust her in the house on her own. 11's very young still.

freshstart24 · 30/08/2018 18:23

This could be his opportunity to see if he is able to cope on his own, using the CM as a gradual introduction.

Would the CM support him in this. For example whilst under her care could he?

Show that he can judge wether it's safe to cross the road and walk sensibly.

Remember his door key (ok he won't need it but can he remember it).

Sort a simple snack and drink.

Do his homework if needed.

If he can prove all this could he then gradually go home alone?

My DS is starting year 7 tomorrow. He will be walking home alone. However I've changed my working pattern as I usually get home at 6.30 and that feels too long for him to be home alone. I do think the amount of time that they are alone is relevant.....

Idontmeanto · 30/08/2018 18:27

You know him best. If he’s not ready to be safe/make good choices, especially with SEN, don’t feel guilty about childcare. A lot of kids do slide if there isn’t supervision at this age.

reluctantbrit · 30/08/2018 18:34

DD is on the ADHD spectrum and will be alone home when she starts Y7. No way we could have kept her at her childminder. She needs quite time anyway and the very increased homework would be impossible to do at the CM’s house with the younger kids around.

I would check if the school offers late library hours or after school clubs he can join, that will shorten the time alone.

We started the odd day during Summer term, leaving DD alone and often 1-2 hours at a weekend when DH and I go shopping. It worked surprisingly well.

MeyMary · 30/08/2018 18:41

It depends on your son. I have ADHD but was in charge of my siblings when I was his age. It was fine...

But he may not be.

Could you try a bit of both (2 days at the childminder and one at home)?

My advice would be to have clear expectations for when he's alone.

As in:

I expect you to do XYZ. If it works you can continue to stay home alone. If none you'll have to go to the childminder everyday.

Write them down and make sure you both now what you expect?

negomi90 · 30/08/2018 18:41

My school let's kids stay in the library till 5.30 its supervised, you have to sign in and do homework.
Is there anything similar with the school?

EwItsAHooman · 30/08/2018 18:43

I'd use theCM as a stepping stone. So he goes there until 5pm then can go home and you get in at 545. Once he's proven he can handle this then he goes to CM until 430, then 4pm, then straight home from school so that the responsibility is introduced and increased gradually.

golddustwomen · 30/08/2018 18:43

I used to go home on my own in year 7, well I used to go with my brother who was a year younger. It was just us til my step dad came home at 5.30. We just used to watch t.v or go on the computer. I would trust him and see how it goes.

MissionItsPossible · 30/08/2018 18:44

Does he have siblings or will he be on his own? You say his main problem is being confrontational with others but if you can both agree he can’t bring friends home whilst you’re not there but if he doesn’t have siblings then he’s got nobody to argue with whereas at the childminders he will have plenty of people to argue with.

Mindchilder · 30/08/2018 18:44

Do you have a spare room? This could be a good opportunity for a (male) au pair to do some housework or meal prep during the day and then just hang out as an older friend after school.

Goldenbear · 30/08/2018 18:54

My summer born DS starting secondary school will be letting himself in and he will be on his own but only until 4.30ish. I would say it would be unusual but then again I don't have a child with ADHD. A pp said there is no way that they would leave their primary school 11 year old at home on their own but personally I think there's a difference and it wouldn't be the norm at primary school.

Goldenbear · 30/08/2018 18:57

Is 11 'very young' when you're thinking about gradual independence? My Mum was very overprotective but even she had to let me be in the house on my own at 11 as she was a teacher and couldn't get back in time.

CleverQuacks · 30/08/2018 19:10

My son is 11 and starting secondary. He is going to the childminder after school still. He is going to go there until Christmas and then review it after to see if he is ready to come home. I do not think he is old enough or mature enough yet to be home for two hours on his own.

EwItsAHooman · 30/08/2018 19:14

11 can still be very young when you have a child with SN, as a PP stated above. I have DC with SN and while his chronological age is 9, his executive ability is on par with that of your average five year old so when it comes to questions of independence we have to take that into account. He's currently the only child in his year group not allowed to walk home by himself, despite the schools here encouraging this from year four onwards, purely because he's not mature enough to get himself here.

OutPinked · 30/08/2018 19:17

You know your son. Some eleven year olds are far more immature than others and definitely not capable of spending 2.5 hours alone in the house without something catastrophic happening!

I agree with a PP who suggested dropping it down gradually to 3/4 days and seeing how he copes on the day he is alone first.

Namelesswonder · 30/08/2018 19:22

It has to be a child by child decision as maturinity varies so much. My 10, almost 11 yr old DD is starting to walk home alone and be in the house alone for short periods (until 14 yr old sibling comes home) and we will build this up gradually as she moves towards starting High School next summer. You do what’s best for your child and their particular circumstances.

LynetteScavo · 30/08/2018 19:32

I have 3 teenagers...my DD is just going in to Y9. She turned 13 this summer and I would only just feel comfortable leaving her now. She has no SN relating to not being left alone, she's just bonkerz. I did start a thread about it 2 years ago and apparently IWBU. Hmm You have to meet her to believe her

DS1 walked home alone aged 9, and I was happy for him to be home alone for 2 hours, as long as he'd text me to let me know he was in one piece.

Two very different DC.

gamerwidow · 30/08/2018 19:36

Dd is only y4 but I’m seriously considering this for when she is in y7. She’s a summer baby and will be starting y7 just weeks after turning 11.

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