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Original poster

Custody Case/Please help

60 replies

nonameimagination · 30/08/2018 15:33

Ok so I've had to name change and I know this isn't the right place to post but desperately hoping for some good advice.

My brother and his girlfriend had a baby 7 years ago when they were in their early 20's, they weren't married. His girlfriend hated being a mum no pnd or anything just missed being young free and single Hmm.
Anyway she let when their dd was 10 months old and moved literally right up the other end of the country, she visited once when their dd was 3 and will send the odd Christmas/birthday card but to be honest doesn't usually bother.
2 weeks ago she comes back and tells my brother she is pregnant and married. She told my brother she wants her dd back as she is ready to have her own family now. Obviously my brother refuses so she tells him he isn't their dd's real father, he thought she was lying just to get what she wants but it turns out he isn't dd's father - he knew she had cheated on him but didn't know when so had no idea dd might not be his.
What is he supposed to do now? Will he have any chance of winning custody even though he isn't her biological dad, he is on her birth certificate and she has his name. I feel really sorry for my niece we all love her so much and now she might be taken away to go and live with a woman she doesn't even know.
Sorry this is such a long post but does anyone know where my brother will stand/have any advice?

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 30/08/2018 17:27

I agree, he didn't know then she wasn't his child and has brought her up as if she was. You all are the only family she has ever know and loved so I would be very surprised if she was taken from your brother and placed with someone that abandoned her as a baby and then comes back after she's got her partying out of her system to reclaim her DD.

Please urge him to seek legal advice though and not sit on this. The fact he has might make his ex think again, maybe.

Toofle · 30/08/2018 17:28

Any chance the birth mother might be reading this?

PrincessAvaR · 30/08/2018 17:30

@IfIWasABirdIdFlyIn2ACeilingFan Are you just out to try to start a row?! Troll maybe?

If you had ready my comment in full it says that I think he's amazing because not only did he step up and bring up his daughter for the last 7 years, but even after the devastating discovery that she is not his biologically he is still willing to fight for what's best for that little girl and keep her with him.

I'm not saying that he's amazing because he did what most parents would do but because he did AND he's still willing to fight for her despite having found out she is not biologically his.

Dermymc · 30/08/2018 17:30

@PrincessAvaR sorry brain fail from me!

IfIWasABirdIdFlyIn2ACeilingFan · 30/08/2018 17:36

Are you just out to try to start a row?!

No, I addressed your incorrect comment.

Troll maybe?

Seriously?? Because someone disagrees with you, you accuse them of being a troll. You know that breaches talk guidelines, right? Are you not used to having people challenge your opinion? Perhaps MN isn’t the place for you.

He didn’t “step up”. He just parented his child. Like he committed to doing when he (thought he) created her. Like most other parents do. Why is it called “stepping up” when a man does it?

Yes it, lovely that he will put the child first and try and keep her in the only family she has known. That’s really great of him. But parenting her for the last 7 years didn’t need to be mentioned in the award for being amazing. Because it isn’t.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 30/08/2018 17:38

Oh come IfIWasABird it's not the time or place for this, go and have a row somewhere else.

IfIWasABirdIdFlyIn2ACeilingFan · 30/08/2018 17:38

It’s always the time and place to challenge that crap.

PatriciaHolm · 30/08/2018 17:44

As others have said, he really does need to seek legal advice. It's clearly very complicated and whatever we might hope would happen, we can't possibly say what will happen in the end. It will depend on many factors. He needs specialist advice, quickly.

PrincessAvaR · 30/08/2018 17:45

How is it crap? It's still amazing when any parent has to do everything for their DC alone because the other parent walks away. Yes it may be "just parenting" but I still think it's amazing and I really admire anyone in this situation. It's even more amazing that after discovering this little girl is not his bio DD he still considers her his own and wants to fight for her to keep her with the only family she knows.

IfIWasABirdIdFlyIn2ACeilingFan · 30/08/2018 17:47

Great. Good to know. I will now refer to myself as an amazing woman. All single parents are amazing people and shall be known as such from now on. Let’s see how that goes down.

IfIWasABirdIdFlyIn2ACeilingFan · 30/08/2018 17:48

Out of interest, how many women have you called amazing on MN when they posted about being a single parent?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 30/08/2018 17:49

It's not crap. That poster was trying to be supportive to the OP. You've obviously got some beef with men being praised for raising their own kids.

Go and start a thread of your own to off load eh?

PrincessAvaR · 30/08/2018 17:50

It's not just about being a single parent, I have been a single parent myself but my DC still had their DF in their lives on a regular basis, he didn't just walk away from them and send the odd card and only see them once.

I'm not here to have an argument with you!

OraangeSoda · 30/08/2018 17:53

PrincessAvaR

Are you completely missing the point that ifIWasABird is trying to make?

IfIWasABirdIdFlyIn2ACeilingFan · 30/08/2018 18:00

Ok so I’m still an amazing woman, my ex fell off the face of the earth. I’m amazing aren’t I?

IfIWasABirdIdFlyIn2ACeilingFan · 30/08/2018 18:01

You've obviously got some beef with men being praised for raising their own kids.

Obviously, who wouldn’t have beef with that?

Anoushkasays · 30/08/2018 18:06

This is a heartbreaking situation for your brother & niece. I am not sure of the accuracy of home DNA tests. Legal advice definitely required- in terms of best scenario for your niece, would it not be deemed more appropriate for her mother to be re-introduced into her life after her sibling has been born? Seems like there is a high risk she will be essentially (emotionally at least) neglected when new baby arrives.

Penninepain · 30/08/2018 18:07

Ffs, you lot need to have a serious word with yourselves.

Want to debate good parenting? Start a thread in chat. You are thoroughly fucking up a serious thread with your childish bickering.

Op, sorry, I have no real advice apart from get a specialist solcitor quickly. If there is any justice, she will be stying exactly where she is.

Walkingdeadfangirl · 30/08/2018 18:08

But as awful as anyone might think it is, the mother does have her parental rights, you do not lose them just automatically because you dont see a child for several years. And as soon as she gets a DNA test done he will have zero parental rights because you dont get them by default after you have looked after a child for several years, no matter how much you 'feel' like she is a member of the family.

If it goes to court the mother will get, at minimum, regular contact with her daughter. So your brother needs to try and work out how to share contact with the DD. Its not all or nothing and if you force a court to decide between one or the other a Judge is not going to remove the mothers parental rights just because it took her a while to 'grow up' and accept responsible.

And dont forget the daughter should have the right to know she has an actual father and he should be told he has a daughter.

Hyppolyta · 30/08/2018 18:14

A neighbour was in a similar position.

He had been the resident parent for 3/4 years, when the child was 8 the mother told him he wasnt the real father as she wanted the child back. DNA proved he wasnt the father, yet he retained custody.

The court took a very dim view of the mother lying and leaving someone she knew wasnt the father to raise the child.

Home DNA tests can be dodgy, Id advise keeping quiet about that and getting another done through court, and getting a good lawyer.

Good luck, what a lucky girl to have such a loving family!

IfIWasABirdIdFlyIn2ACeilingFan · 30/08/2018 18:14

I’m not debating good parenting penninepain I addressed an incorrect comment on this thread. That doesn’t warrant starting a thread of its own.

GreenTulips · 30/08/2018 18:19

I think the courts will take a dim view of the mother
Your brother ha nothing to lose and needs to consider adopting the child in the future

I don't think any judge in their right mind would award the child to her mother

MadisonMontgomery · 30/08/2018 18:22

I would keep my mouth firmly shut re the DNA test and see a specialist solicitor urgently.

SummerGems · 30/08/2018 18:35

Your brother needs to see a solicitor urgently with regards to his position but tbh if she has thus far taken no action then I would do nothing from here on until she does/doesn’t take action herself.

His doing a home DNA test along with her waiting for him to do something could potentially be playing right into her hands given that she previously hasn’t been in the child’s life and has just turned up with her threats. If he does nothing at this stage then it shows that he is committed to being the parent to this child. Acting according to what she says she wants would show some willingness to give in to her and the courts may well take that into account.

TBH though if she does go to court then she will likely be granted access at the very least, and if it is then proven that he is not the father then he will lose any parental rights he has and will need to apply for those through specialist routes. He won’t have parental responsibility just because he has raised the child, it doesn’t work like that as sad as it is.

Years ago there was a child in my DS’ class who went through similar except in his case the father was the biological father, and the mother had left when the child was a baby and not turned back up on the scene until he was about six. The courts granted immediate overnights and weekends as she was living some distance away and by the time the child was eight he had left the school and was living with his mother, despite the fact the biological father had raised him from birth and despite the fact that he had siblings with his father. DF did everything in his power to keep the child with him but the courts unfortunately do still mostly side with the mother in these situations.

hidinginthenightgarden · 30/08/2018 18:36

There is a very good chance he will keep her. If blood meant more than love then adoption wouldn't exist.
I know of someone who was going through the process of adopting a little girl when the father, who had been in prison until the little girl was placed to her new family tried to get custody of her. He claimed he had married, had step children and was a new person since getting out of prison. IT was a long battle but the girl stayed with her adoptive family.