AIBU friendship breaking down

[smilysmilysmily]

Help please - I’m at a bit of a loss of how to move forward…as background I struggle a lot with always putting others before myself and letting myself be taken advantage of…

Very good friends for 8ish years, since uni. I’ve always struggled a bit with her needy-ness, in that she will ask me to help and bend over backwards, without hardly a ‘thank you’

She has decided to go back to uni, on the same Masters I did last year - (I am post-grad at the same uni) and helped her massively with her application. I bucked up and stood my ground on some requests, in that I was busy myself and couldn’t answer texts instantly.

The course requires a intro week and had tentatively said she could stay with me and my boyfriend; but now the dates don’t work and I said sorry it doesn’t work for us. She said no worries she can house sit. I won’t bore with details that followed but I finally stood up for myself and said I had been offended by her manner and actions - she apologised but in a way that sounded as if she had only said it because thats what she should say.

We haven’t spoken since, and I’m not sure what to do, I’m still annoyed that she hasnt’ really acknowledged that she upset me, I don’t want to lose her as a friend but I can’t keep being taken advantage of :(

Apologies for the word vomit - but I keep being tempted to text her and make the first move but part of me thinks that will pave way for it all to resume as it was, any advice?

A true friend wouldn’t take advantage of your kindness. Relationships require equal effort, appreciation and respect from both sides and it sounds as if you value the friendship more than she does.

It’s tough but friendships come and go. I recently lost a friend I’d known since the first day of primary school because we had grown apart and become very different people.

You are probably giving this a lot more thought than she is. She knows you feel guilty easily and that you will probably come to her but it’s time to stand your ground. It’s tough but you will feel better in the long run if you stand up for yourself and either break off the friendship or lay out new ground rules and see how she responds.

good luck X

When you say tentatively, did she know this wasn't a definite offer?

@Pollypanda - thank you for taking the time to reply, I think maybe I'm actually feeling sad that she hasn't shown any bother or spoken to me since it all happened. Tbf I haven't either, but I left it in her court, even if it's better in the long run, it is still sad to see this is the course our friendship goes... :(

@SissySpacekAteMyHamster - yes it was clear it was potential offer, me an my boyfriend had recently moved into a new flat and were still living amngst boxes! It was also that its not only my flat, but one I share and said I would need to talk to my bf - which she seemed put off by ... they've only met once and I wuld be away that week and would have been just them which he said he would feel slightly uncomfortable with ...

In that case YANBU. Different story if you'd pulled the rug after making a firm offer as I imagine starting the course etc may be a bit stressful.

It would definitely be a bit odd her staying whilst you are away if she doesn't know your partner.

I agree it’s not fair on your partner to have to live with a stranger for a week! And in terms of friendship it all sounds rather one sided! It’s really hard to let go of friendships sometimes but what are you actually getting out of this one?!