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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to struggle with social anxiety

12 replies

nowomanmanisanisland · 30/08/2018 11:11

This is probably very outing but I've been brooding on it for a week now (Well actually 30 odd years but a recent event sticks in my mind).

I really struggle so much in social situations. I am 41 forgodsake, i should have this sussed by now! Last week went to a birthday party of a colleuge, I don't usually go to outside of work things but I really like this colleuge so I want to go and wish her happy birthday. At this party is about 25-30 other people I work with. All of who i like. I struggle so much to chat and have fun though. I can chat no problem at work, and my job is very customer focused and I am good at my job. I have reflected very deeply on this and I think I can do it at work no problem cos I hide behind my uniform. I don't have to be me, just my job. And with colleuges I have to be there so I feel I can chat etc. I feel at social events like why would anyone want me there, I am the most boring, dull person ever. I feel worthless. I don't know why anyone would want to talk to me.

I know the problem is me, not other people. I know I am being unreasonable in expecting people to want to talk to me when I have nothing to say for myself.

How do people do it? New people come in and within weeks they are best friends with everyone. And some people come in and seems like they are everyone's best friends but people behind their back are like who do they think they are? And some people bitch about others then are chatting at the bar like besties?

Why are some people likeable and some not? I try to be nice and kind yet I am not someone people want to talk to socially (but will at work) and some people are deeply self absorbed yet everyone loves them?

So yes, I know that last comment says 'you don't sound like you even like these people, you think you are better than them.' But I do and I don't. I am deeply evnyous that someone can float so effortlessly through the social world seemingly not caring what people think of them. I am jealous that after 2 hours of plastering a smile on my face and chatting I go home and cry cos I feel so exhausted and like I don't fit in. I know the problem is me. I feel like a no body, like a shadow, help me!

OP posts:
OneStepSideways · 30/08/2018 11:23

I have social anxiety but I hide it well. I don't like talking much so I ask lots of questions and feign interest, most people love talking about themselves so they warm to me. I also try to find common ground, e.g. a hobby we share, place we've been on holiday, pets. If the person's opinion of me matters (eg someone I have to work with) I make notes after the party about things they told me (eg holiday they're going on soon, kids names etc) so next time we chat I'll have something to start the conversation with.

I actually find most people quite boring, but if I need them to like me I make an effort socially. I also seek out new people or anyone on the edge of the group, and draw them in, as it's awful feeling excluded.

Wine helps too!

OneStepSideways · 30/08/2018 11:26

Also, I think people who are extrovert and self confident attract others (even if they are egotistical and annoying) whereas introverts make others uncomfortable as there are lots of awkward silences.

Original poster
nowomanmanisanisland · 30/08/2018 11:40

Thank you for your reply. Yes I do feel totally awkward most of the time. I am not bothered by silences, I like being on my own mostly but you can't live your life forever like that can you?

I gave up years ago trying to 'fix' myself and figured it was okay just to be me and not enjoy going out and socializing etc but then you do go out and it's bloody awful and draining and I feel like I have nothing to give and it brings it all back from my younger years. And wine yes, I used to use this lots as a social crutch but it just lead to more anxiety as I would overdo it and I would (percieve) that I had made a fool of myself. So I try not to overdo it cos it's easy done when it's helping you relax when out!

OP posts:
Sparklesocks · 30/08/2018 12:14

How do people do it? New people come in and within weeks they are best friends with everyone

Honestly OP it's just natural to some people. For a lot of extroverts it's just an innate part of their personality, they don't find it a big deal.

Sorry you are struggling, I wish it was easier for everyone.

EthelHornsby · 30/08/2018 12:20

You describe me exactly - I’m 63 and haven’t got it dissed yet, so never will. Worse since I retired as I have no uniform to use as a front. It is exhausting and isolating

EthelHornsby · 30/08/2018 12:21

sussed!

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 30/08/2018 12:26

I am the same. I feel really lost in social situations. But I have learned to accept that's the way I am, I am not a bad person.

CaptSkippy · 30/08/2018 12:46

I struggle too. I find it easier to listen and ask questions. People usually appreciate it too. You don't need to give much of yourself, or anything at all. Just ask them to give, so to speak. Most people prefer that anyways.

With regards to the uniform. Is it possible to put a certain type of "uniform" together for yourself that you only wear for social occasions such as this? That might help get you in the mindset to socialise when you want/need to.

benjaminbuttonschild · 30/08/2018 17:32

OP I feel like you are my kindred spirit. I could have written every single word you've put. I have to TRY really hard when I go to social events but it just doesn't come naturally. I always feel I'm being judged in some way and I haven't worked out why.

I am ridiculously boring, don't really have time for any hobbies or anything exciting. I am also quite goofy and I think this may have something to do with it. Sometimes I think I come across as stand-offish or aloof but it's because I genuinely find it hard to connect with people. I fully understand and get what they tell me, their anecdotes and everything but I feel like there's some disconnect with them when they are telling me stories etc about their lives because my head is asking me 'how are they so confident when I'm not?'.

It is hard to fit in for me. I don't have a group of friends who I've always been friends with throughout life. I have individual friends who I can count on for anything but they don't know I each other. The thing is I genuinely care (perhaps too much about others). It's a horrible feeling. Thanks

Not much advice I'm afraid as I am in the same boat xx

CSIblonde · 30/08/2018 17:48

I used to be the same. I just copied my smiley, extrovert friend who will talk to anyone, but tailored in stuff I prefer like ask them about themselves . I practiced at work with asking people about their weekend, their kids, their hobby & if they want a tea from the machine while I'm getting one. It took time, I'm ok/confident with say 2 to 3 at a time now, but large groups are still intimidating, due to leftover anxiety from bullying I had at school.

Original poster
nowomanmanisanisland · 30/08/2018 18:09

Thank you for all your replies, it's bloody good to know I am not alone.

OP posts:
WLmum · 30/08/2018 18:13

Your post made a lot of sense to me - I am the same, most people would be surprised to know how anxious I really feel as I'm good at the 'role' stuff but I've turned down an invite for Friday once I realised more people would be there and am struggling with the thought of a reunion.
I too marvel at people who do the group social stuff so well.
Like you say - good to know we are not alone! I often feel I don't fit in anywhere. Perhaps we should have our own exclusive club.

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