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Original poster

Should I tell Ex that I plan on introducing DD and new partner?

21 replies

Username987 · 30/08/2018 08:50

Hey.
Basically as the subjects says really ...
I wrote this in a week or two ago but just thought I’d see if I got more advice / previous stories.
Me and ex have been split up 18months and I’ve been with new partner since jan. I haven’t introduced dd and him just yet but hoping to soon.
Do I have to tell ex? Any similar stories or advice?
Thank you

OP posts:
Bambamber · 30/08/2018 08:52

You don't have to tell your ex if you don't want to. Do you get on reasonably well? I probably would as a courtesy as I would prefer if he told me when he was doing the same

JacquesHammer · 30/08/2018 08:53

My ex told me. They also wanted me to meet the new partner before DD did, which I really appreciated.

When we split we discussed how important it was that all adults get along and that we would inform the others surrounding milestones like meeting the new partner etc.

Soontobe60 · 30/08/2018 08:53

You don't HAVE to tell him. But it might be a good idea. Turn it round, would you like to know if your ex was going to introduce someone new to your DD?
Being forewarned about things that might be a bit upsetting is always a good thing.

MemorylikeDory · 30/08/2018 08:54

Turn the question around. Would you want your ex to tell you if he was going to introduce a new partner to your DD?

wobblebot · 30/08/2018 08:54

It depends on you individual circumstances.

I go by the general rule of common curtesy. If you'd expect him to tell you (and as long as there's no past abuse etc) then yes, tell him.

My exh decided we would like to meet the others dp before the dc did, it helped to work out the serious from the not so much.

HollyGoLoudly1 · 30/08/2018 08:56

You don't HAVE to but you really should imo. If you don't, DD will surely tell him when she sees him and it's not fair that she has to be the one to do that - he might not be able to keep a poker face or give an appropriate reaction to her. Wouldn't you want to be informed before DD meets his next partner?

rainbowlou · 30/08/2018 09:00

In my opinion, and personal experience, no it’s nothing to do with your ex.
If you feel it’s the right time then do it.
My dd met my new partner after about 5-6 months, my ex did keep questioning her about whether I had any ‘new friends’ but she kept telling him she didn’t know.
He convinced himself I was making her keep secrets from him and became obsessed about me having a new partner, I confronted him and asked why he thought He had a right to know about my private life, but if he wanted to share stories with me about anyone he was seeing he was more than welcome..he began with ‘well that’s hardly any of your business is it?’
And then the penny dropped!Grin

Original poster
Username987 · 30/08/2018 09:01

Of course I’d like to know if dd was getting introduced to another women but for me unfortunately ex is not very approachable - mental abuse history!
He has calmed down the last few months but previous to that has been absolutely vile through text messages.
I feel like I want to tell him but don’t know how to go about it without having a a ton of abuse and threats ☹️

OP posts:
LellyMcKelly · 30/08/2018 09:06

Yes, I did as a courtesy, but we always got along well. He did likewise when he felt the time was right for introductions.

SocialPiranha · 30/08/2018 09:09

Going by your update I wouldn’t tell him beforehand. If he’s mentally abusive or controlling in any way to his mind you’re seeking his permission (even though you’re actually not) whereas if you mention it in passing after the event there’s not much he can do.

I didn’t tell my ex (abusive in every way but still sees the kids) before I introduced the children to my current partner. In all honesty I’m not arsed if he introduces the children to any new partner/victim. Even if I did mind there is nothing I can do about it anyway.

Original poster
Username987 · 30/08/2018 09:12

That’s the problem. I don’t think I want to because he will say no and maybe he will see that as his last way of controlling me however I’d be so anxious every time DD seen him that she’d say something and therefore I’d have the abuse then! And I have to see him pretty much every other day for dd drop offs etc

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Shoxfordian · 30/08/2018 09:14

Does he know you have a new partner? He can't actually say no, you can introduce your daughter to anyone you want. I'd suggest doing it and then telling him it's done.

OutPinked · 30/08/2018 09:17

My exh moved in with his new girlfriend about a fortnight after we separated and introduced to the DC shortly after that. No discussion, he just did it. So when I met my DP a year or so later, I waited until I knew we were serious (about 6Ish months) then casually introduced on a trip to the cinema. Didn’t inform ex, why should I.

Original poster
Username987 · 30/08/2018 09:18

Well we’re not ‘ fb official ‘ however there are pictures of me and new partner on other social media pages so people know and no doubt it would of got back to him but he hasn’t made it known that he knows.
My stomach is in bits even thinking about telling him!! Hate that he has this control over me!

OP posts:
HollyGoLoudly1 · 30/08/2018 09:20

He sounds lovely Confused Honestly though, you are saying you are worried (understandably) about his reaction - but do you want DD to have to be the one to deal with his reaction instead? He sounds horrible but at least if he knows from a text message then at least he has time to calm down + pull himself together so (hopefully) DD doesn't have to see him kicking off.

Loulabelle25 · 30/08/2018 09:21

Tell him. Otherwise you put the child in an horrendously awkward position - particularly if the child is older and more aware of what’s going on. I was that child. My mum didn’t tell my dad. I knew my dad would be heartbroken and it became this huge secret/burden/taboo subject for my brother at I as for a few years we felt like we had to protect our parent’s feelings. As an adult looking back, I can see that was actually quite damaging for me and I think it really impacted how I’ve been able to communicate my own feelings in relationships. When I was younger, I was petrified of upsetting people to the detriment of my own feelings/well-being.

Original poster
Username987 · 30/08/2018 09:21

He wouldn’t kick off in front of DD - he is horrible and I really don’t like him however I know he wouldn’t do that!

OP posts:
Original poster
Username987 · 30/08/2018 09:22

I completely understand that. I wouldn’t put DD in any kind of position like that! Luckily she is only 3 And hasn’t been told to keep any secrets of any kind

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Loulabelle25 · 30/08/2018 09:24

I can remember sitting in the car with my dad crying after he saw my mum’s partner at the house when he he wasn’t it expecting it. That memory is literally burned into my brain and it was awful.

Starlight345 · 30/08/2018 09:25

I would in theses circumstances I would introduce first then inform him .

I would though also think about how you communicate. If he is abusive communicating . Revert to text or email only.

Original poster
Username987 · 30/08/2018 09:30

We only communicate through text - don’t really talk face to face as he’s still bitter!

That’s awful about your dad crying - must of been difficult for you to see.
My ex wouldn’t - he’s already moved on himself as I seen his relationship status not long ago which the reverted back to single after a few weeks 🙈

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