Relationship advice needed

[Confused6612]

Name changed as friends and family know my name on here.

I’m 30 and my partner is 34 and we’ve been together for 2 years. We’re planning on me moving in with him in 6 months time to his house (that he owns but is currently renovating. I rent somewhere on my own at the moment).

We were in bed talking last night and out of the blue he admitted that he’s concerned about losing his independence when I move in. And he’s also concerned that his home will get damaged after he’s spent so long doing it up (im a clean and tidy person so I’m not sure why he thinks I’m going to come in and trash it).

I was a bit taken aback as he’s always seemed very keen for us to live together and it was more his idea than mine for us to take that next step. I queried this more with him and he said he loves me and he’s looking forward to it but it’s normal to have concerns before taking such a big step.

I do understand that it will be a big change for us to live together, but I’m feeling very anxious now that he’s having second thoughts deep down. I could be putting myself in a very vulnerable situation by moving into someone’s home who doesn’t seem completely sure about it. He could evict me whenever he feels like it if he decides he wants to be alone again.

Other than this our relationship is great and i’d like to think we are very much in love.
Would you read more into this and assume he’s getting cold feet? Or would you take it with a pinch of salt and think it’s normal to be a bit anxious about living with someone after having lived alone for so long?

If its possible then you should consider renting somewhere together or buying together so it's a joint place and not you moving in with him

It does sound like he has some reservations. Are you generally fine with him doing stuff with his friends or going places without you? I wondered why he made that comment about independence so maybe he feels he can't do his own thing anymore once he lives with you.

I think the general trend on MN is to caution against moving in to a dps house he owns and not being on the deeds or married as in case of children and split you are protected. It sounds all ok to me though, normal weird nerves , keep talking it all through together

@shox I’m not controlling at all with him and let him do whatever he wants really. I’m also someone who needs my own space so I’m not a needy partner either who wants to be joint at the hip with him. That’s why I’m a bit surprised by his comments as I don’t feel I give him any reason to worry about his independence. Makes me think he’s just having doubts about the relationship in general

It doesn't really make sense that he said that then. Has he lived with anyone before?

@shox he briefly lived with his ex but that ended quite badly and they stopped getting along. Other than that he’s always lived alone since he left home

In my personal experience and those of friends moving into an existing house owned by a partner is almost always a distaster, it always feels like you are a long term guest in ‘their’ house. Not necessarily to the extent of splitting up but invariably couples end up getting something together from scratch.
And yes, you will be vulnerable to being asked to leave with nowhere to go, if the relationship fails. Personally I would never put myself in this situation. If he is not ready to commit to a joint housing situation he’s not ready to co-habit.
Don’t ignore your reservations, they are there for a reason.

In my personal experience and those of friends moving into an existing house owned by a partner is almost always a disaster, it always feels like you are a long term guest in ‘their’ house.

I completely agree with this. From what you've posted it sounds like he will always see it as his house and you're unlikely to be able to put your own personality into it. I couldn't move into someones house, I would have to insist we choose one together and make decisions together. It's really up to you whether you think you can put up with feeling like this.

I get the nervous bit - but what's the bit about sorting hat his house will get damaged?!

You're a woman, not a wild animal or a child.

Does sound like you may need a safety net to fall back on, do you have a plan B in case it goes tits up? Very much hope it won't OP but you don't want to be exposed to any risk.

Say to him, calmly, that in that case it's probably best to put off moving in together, and that it might be a better idea to choose a new home together.
It might be that he is (not unreasonably) a bit uneasy about how it will feel: it is a major adjustment.
Or it could be an early warning sign; him wanting you to understand that you are moving into his home and therefore you will need to obey his rules or you will be kicked out.