To want to hide myself away ?

[Peachsnowpop]

I'm married and have had a number of relationships in the past. Recently I've received lots of derogatory comments about my looks, from total strangers:

While in the sea my friend asks a man snorkelling if he has seen many fish. He stops to chat. My friend asks how old he Is, he replies and then asks us. He says to me to take my sunglasses off (so he can guess better) and when I do he's like 'eurgh put them back on'. I question him, he says he's only joking.

A lady recently headbutted me when I confronted her over her comment 'what the f is up with ur hair'. I have plain straight hair that I usually wear in a standard pony tail, so nothing over exaggerated or odd imo .

Out with a group of friends and they are all referred to as pretty by a bloke they are chatting to, the same man refers to me as 'guess ur kind of pretty'

Daring to wear my 'cheeky' bikini bottoms for the first time and me and my friend get chatting to a couple. The woman goes onto say I have spots on my bum (when talking about me daring to wear the bikini bottoms) and laughs. For the record i have one small pimple from my kerastosis pilaris (sp!) Which is a HUGE improvement on what I have had in the past.

When out i always get told I look older than my friend, who is older than me.

Why do people have to make these comments ?

I feel so disgusting and down trodden. I want to hide away from social events, never talk to a stranger again (I'm usually quite chatty) and generally merge into the background for good. I feel like a freak who shouldn't be seen out.

A woman head butted you?

I have no idea why this keeps happening. I am average. Very average and never come across this.

I do wonder how you come across. If people all keep treating you in a certain way, the common denominator is you. If people tale advantage all the time, it's because you let them.

Yup thats - i was headbutted in the face and given a bloodied nose.

I can't see how it's due to the way I am coming across/being or letting people take advantage ? Do u mean that maybe i put myself in these situations?

No just wondering if you give off something that makes people think its ok to speak to you like this.

The taking advantage was just an example.

I cannot believe a woman headbutted you. I have no idea where you were for that to happen! That was a physical assault, how awful, I am so sorry.

It's very possible you look slightly older than your age, and that is why you feel less confident than you might once have been, this might be something as simple as your hair style, which is easy to change.

The bigger question might be why you listen to these nob heads and their irrelevant opinions. Could you be giving off a 'vibe' either that you feel needy and are bringing out the worst in people? Or that you are sometimes very confident and people may feel the need to 'burst your bubble'. People can be shit at times.

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that maybe your friend is the issue, if it is the same one. Asking people how old they are seems a leading question and so if your friend from the snorkling incident is also the one who was with you at other times?

I think you need to learn to cultivate a look of disinterest when people say shit things, you need to build up your confidence.

This is not your fault at all. But it may be that you are putting yourself in situations where you are talking to total strangers who may well be talking utter bollocks.

(Maybe the guess was a bit out with the guy who asked you to take the sunglasses off and he wanted to put the boot in?)

I'd just avoid conversations about age and looks. I'd also choose to think I am very attractive and it's the other person's insecurity coming out.

Italiangreyhound put it so much better than me. It's still early. Sorry.

Does this only happen when you are with your friend?

I meant (Maybe the guess you or your friend made of the guy's age was a bit out with the guy who asked you to take the sunglasses off and he wanted to put the boot in?)

Thatsfuckingshit thank you.

I rarely get unpleasant comments but then I rarely talk to strangers, apart from old ladies on the bus occasionally!

I have had low self esteem at times and I've sometimes said negative things about myself! Which is a totally stupid idea! But because I have lovely friends and work in a lovely place, and rarely talk to strangers, people might contradict any negative comments I make!

One sensible man (a lovely colleague) asked me why I made negative comments about myself. I realized I was getting the comment in in case another person made it! After talking to my lovely colleague, I stopped doing it.

Just be aware OP where you put yourself and whose opinion you listen to.

A woman HEADBUTTED you? Where were you, prison!?

Has this all happened on a holiday resort? Are you somewhere like Marbella, surrounded by drunk 20 year olds who are too drunk and immature to realise what they are saying?

Good God, where are you hanging out to meet this kind of people?? Headbutting, asking strangers how old they are...?? You need to find new places to go where people have better manners!

Why do you initiate these kind of conversations with strangers? It isn’t usual.

Why would you talk to strangers about your bikini bottoms?

The OP did not say she talked about the bikini bottoms, she said she wore them and another woman commented on her bikini bottoms and her bottom. I'd personally say that comment was just jealousy.

AIBU to want to hide myself away ?

Peachsnowpop Yes you are being unreasonable but understandably you are concerned.

People often comment on women's clothes, especially if 'revealing'. The fact this woman commented on your clothes/body has far more to say about her than you.

The headbutting incident I can't explain. If this is a person you know I would either avoid them like the plague or report them to the police but that has it's dangers.

The guy who felt you were only kind of pretty may know you are married and have his eye on your single friends!

PirateWeasel nailed it. Make new friends and avoid arse holes.

Just to add some clarification ...

My friend asked the snorkeling man his age; I never said a thing to him or made a guess. I later saw him around the hotel pool laughing and joking and i thought he has hasn't got a clue how he has made me feel. I wanted to throw a cup of pool water over him there and then.

The headbutting was in my home town on a night out. It was unprovoked and the lady was drunk.

The bikini thing - we were on the beach and got chatting to the couple next to us, one of the subjects turned to what people wear on the beach - hence my comment that i was daring to wear my 'cheeky' bikini bottoms

I don't rate myself at all and i certainly don't go out with the attitude 'hey look at me' type of thing. I don't big myself up and i don't walk in the room expecting everyone to make way coz I've arrived. I class myself as OK average looking at best and no more.

arid - I was at a birthday meal last year with H, a lady who knows H but has never met me said 'you look better in RL than do you do in (facebook) photos' - i mean, who the hell says that to a stranger ? i had hardly spoken to the woman that same evening before she said that to me. So not just happening when I am with my friend.

You should try not to focus on these negative comments, I bet you get positive ones too. You could try keeping a diary of compliments you receive and nice things that happen to you. This would train your brain to focus on the positives and ignore the negatives, & over time your self-esteem will improve.

I've been told that I look better in real life than photos and I very much took that as a compliment! Your low self esteem is distorting the way you think.

Of course there is absolutely no excuse for people to make those kind of comment, but it seems highly unusual that you keep getting them as it's really not that common.

As an adult it's highly unusual for the subject of how attractive people are to come up in conversation - unless invited. A couple of your comments seem to have been whilst out with friends - are these friends single and flirting with strangers?

In normal situations the only time a comment on appearance would be made would be complimentary - I love your hair/where did you get your dress etc etc.

So I can only think that either you or the people you are with are somehow inviting these comparative conversations. I do also think you should look at what you're saying in these situations. I'm not excusing people but it's highly unusual for people to be spontaneously unkind so if it keeps happening to you it might be worth assessing how you're behaving and if there's anything you might be doing or saying to invite comments.

I doubt it is anything at all to do with your looks. They all seem like insecure attention seeking people. Maybe keep your distance politely a bit more, e.g. snorkelling man asked you to take your sunglasses off so he can see you better , you really don't have to follow his instruction if you hardly know him!

Woman at birthday meal - did she just come up and say this to you?

leaveme - my H introduced me to this this other woman at a friends birthday meal and her fist response to me, after he said this is my wife, was 'you look better in RL than in (facebook) photos. I was stunned.

elessar - yes single all friends who are flirting.

I do get positive compliments sometimes (but they seem to be getting rarer as i get older) but these negative ones are really playing with me. I have v low self esteem.

Another example is at work- my work friend and I went on holiday and a colleague asked my friend if we had been away yet because i don't look very brown (i thought i was nicely tanned). I'm not too bothered about this comment BUT why does someone have to comment on the way i look- again. So fed up with it all.

Yy to @littlekitty I think she has very valid points there. Also, I can't help but notice you have omitted the D from DH. Is this relevant? Are you currently pissed at him?

People do frequently comment on looks though, it's shit but it happens. It shouldn't but it does. Society values looks exponentially.

It's awful that various people have decided to comment negatively on you though - are you sure you're not overstating it? Like, you're worried /paranoid that you feel ugly and you might be taking people's conments and exaggerating them? What I mean is, if you yourself feel ugly you think people are calling you ugly when they're not really?

Two examples : I once said to someone who'd had just been on holiday 'you're very orange' Aaaargh! She genuinely looked tanned but I made a language mistake and called her 'orange'!! My DH thinks she's held it against me ever since.

Another one - My DHs old friends girlfriend said to me '' you look great, were you pregnant the last time I saw you? '' I know, it sounds like a compliment but either 1)no, not pregnant, just fat or 2) yes, yes I was. I was pregnant four years ago and - as I don't have a three year now - clearly my baby died.

""'you look better in RL than do you do in (facebook) photos' - i mean, who the hell says that to a stranger ""

Someone who wants to knock you down a peg.

The other times, sounds usual, when you're out with single Friends and they are flirting with knobheads.

The best thing to do is to work on your self esteem, so you can get to a point were you can brush off negative stuff other people have to say.